writing itch

I am having another sleepless night. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I should shut it off but I really don’t want to hear the silence of the night. My head just can’t take silence right now.

I have been hypomanic on and off for almost a month now. I thought I was crashing as I had a severe depressive episode the other day. But now I am back to feeling good. But I am very sleepy and really want to sleep but my empty head just won’t like it. I took my meds about two hours ago. I should be sleeping but I have this urge to write so I am writing.

I keep thinking about two trolls that have entered my life in the last few weeks. One I thought I had vanquished until she resurfaced today when I checked my spam comments. Now I had to change the settings all because of this one jerk. Then I thought about the troll on the NYT that told my story without my authorization. This has still burned me more than the other troll. I can delete her stupid comments with one click. I cannot do that for the NYT ones. It is just upsetting me and I am trying hard not to let it bother me. I wish I could talk to my therapist about this. But I don’t talk to her again till Tuesday. I have been texting her with my upsets but it’s not the same as talking with her. The good news is there have been less comments on the NYT site and I am glad. The stress of dealing with the nitpicking of my therapist and her competency were outrageous. I’m just glad I never mentioned who she was or she might be further under the microscope. All of this hubbub has really taken the joy out of the accomplishment of publishing for the NYT. I still am in awe about it, at times. But now the fun of it has worn off because of the comments. Sure, there were more positive comments than negative ones, and I should focus on that. But the rest really had me thinking I did something wrong. But if I did, wouldn’t the NYT NOT publish it? I have received more compliments about it than negativity in the real world. I should focus on that, rather than 50 or so comments that were negative. I still believe there was ignorance in most of the negative comments because they didn’t know the truth behind the story. I didn’t go into grave detail about the relationship. I didn’t have to. It was a short piece that I wrote on the fly one night when I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling hatred towards my therapist and psychiatrist for keeping me here when I don’t want to be. I seriously thought, numerous times the other day, of ending my life because I had crashed so severely. This was before I read the comments. My thoughts were slower, things didn’t taste right, I had no appetite. I was moving slower, like I was in mud. All the signs were there that I was depressed. Then to read that a so called long time “friend” outed me to the public, that was too much. And for the troll that thinks I am in no danger of being a victim of a hate crime you are so wrong. If people find out I am a TG, there will be hate. Look at Caitlyn Jenner and all the slack that she got despite, also, the positivity. I have been called a “dyke” and a loser and other names I won’t repeat just for being gay. Throw in transgender and you have a new ball game. So don’t sit there and tell me she just didn’t put a bullseye on my head because she did.

Tomorrow, or should I say today, I plan on writing out a story of these hypomanic episodes for my book. I will add it to the story I wrote a few weeks ago. It will give me something to do. I also need a shower sometime today. I was going to take it tonight but my legs were hurting for some reason. I think it is because I stay in the same position for too long without moving. I have to remember to stretch but I don’t.

I thought of watching the movie Lincoln tonight. If I start it now, I will most likely fall asleep by the time Seward and his henchmen are meeting. I probably will watch it soon. It’s my favorite movie. My next venture is getting Sandlot and Bull Durham. I like to see Major Leagues too. I am not a movie person so I have not seen these classics.