Woes

Woes

I had therapy today and it went awful. She is pushing me to see another therapist in my area, saying the phone is too distracting. I don’t know what to do. I thought that things would go back to the way they were but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I can’t imagine actually leaving her. I have 14 years of stuff at her office. She said that we could still talk if I found someone else at least once a month. I couldn’t do that. My head is spinning around and around. Before we ended today, she wanted me to call the social worker that I found. I have no idea what to say to him. We also talked about seeing possibly a DBT therapist as an adjunctive person. I don’t know if I can go the DBT route. Maybe as a self-help kind of thing that I can do at my own pace. But I can’t do the full program. Maybe I can call my insurance and see what options they have for that. I would have to call them anyway to set up a new treatment provider, I think. But I am also on medicare so I am not sure how this is going to work.

The idea of her pushing me out is killing me. She wants me to have the best care but she can’t do that and I guess what I wrote to her really got her thinking. While we were talking, I was on my laptop looking over the blog I had started for her but never finished because of fucking family issues. About ten minutes left in the conversation, the screen went bye bye and I couldn’t get it back. I should have been upset but I didn’t feel nothing and said as much to my therapist. I have to get it fixed but I don’t have the money to right now. But the fact I could care less, really shocked me. My laptop is my world. Sure I can use my phone for some of the same stuff but it’s not the same as having a keyboard. I don’t know why the screen went. My computer friend wants me to buy a new screen but I don’t think that is the issue. I think there is a lose connection with the lid and the screen. I am going to have to send it to Dell for them to figure out, which means I will be out of a laptop for a couple of weeks. I should care but I don’t. Like I was telling my therapist, something happened last Friday and I just feel numb. She is calling it the “fuck its”. But it’s more than that. Me not caring about my laptop is something that is very disturbing. Sure it’s probably going to cost a lot to fix. I could just take it to Geek Squad but I just don’t trust them. I rather take it back to the manufacturer to fix the problem. I seriously should be having an anxiety attack and instead I am just blasé.

I told my therapist I feel like the family gopher and they just don’t realize how taxing it is. They just think that because I am home and in my room that they can call me and I should come running with whatever issue they are having. Meanwhile, my writing has suffered because the time it takes me to finally figure out something to write occurs but then my family calls and disrupts the process. Yesterday I was in the middle of the blog I wrote when my mother called to help her fix dinner. I am on the phone with my therapist and my mother calls. When I call her back she says why didn’t I answer the phone if I was home. WTF. Then she gets all bent out of shape because I tell her I was on the other line. My therapist then says this is why we should meet in person so we are back to being at square one. I don’t know if I can handle anything else that can go wrong. I am scared I might end up killing myself and then what is my family going to do without me? I know something just isn’t right. I don’t know if I am just wicked depressed or what. I just don’t want to do anything, yet today I changed my sheets, took a shower, and did laundry. I am paying for it now as my hip and back are killing me.

I’ve decided not to call the social worker, least not today. I can’t handle rejection right now. I’m still debating on making an appointment with my neuro for my nerve pain medication or if I should wait to see the stupid NP for it. Trouble is, the medication isn’t on my fucking med list they have. I thought my physiatrist put it on when I saw him last but the ass didn’t do it. I don’t know why they bother asking you what meds you are on if they don’t put it in your file. It’s not something I take every day but I do use it when I need to. I have been on it for years and know how it affects me. I was expecting to get at least six hours or more of sleep and didn’t. I got five and I am happy with that. It’s better than four, which lately seems to be my normal. My therapist thinks I am in a constant sleep deprivation mode. I probably am. I don’t know what it is like sleeping more than six hours anymore. It happens so rarely these days. Most of the time I wake up because I am in pain and then I can’t go back to sleep.

Well, I am going to try and find my old laptop and see if it is workable still. Probably needs a shit load of Windows updates. But at least I will have a screen that works and isn’t temperamental.