Books and writing

Books and writing

I had to drop some stuff off at my aunt’s as my mother was there and it was stuff that she needed. My aunt knows that I wrote a book last year. I doubt she has bought it or read it. It sold about 100 copies, which was my goal. Course her family thought that I should be a millionaire because I have a book sold. Things don’t work that way, sad to say.

As I was getting to leave, she stopped me to talk about the book she wants to write. I did all I could not to laugh and not roll my eyes. We have had this conversation before. She thinks her family is so great and it will make millions. I told her to get a publisher and an agent and go from there. She then asked if that were free. I laughed and said no. It’s minimum $600. But you also need the book, too. It’s been a year and not one page has been written. I don’t think this book is going to happen. Then she said that I would write it. HELL TO THE NO. I hate my aunt more than anyone in the world. She is nothing but a scumbag. I won’t have anything to do with the book or her family as long as I live. I have my reasons that I am not going to disclose.

I really wanted to die today, and it would have been the right day to do it. No one is home and won’t be until later this evening. I should have taken advantage of it earlier today but I didn’t. I got a text from my therapist yesterday saying that “ I matter”. To who? Lately that has been her response to everything every time I am suicidal. Like that is supposed to ease the ache. It doesn’t. Just pisses me off.

My sister called me and told me all that was wrong with my mother. Nice, like I didn’t know. If she won’t be her own advocate, she isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t do what the doctors have been telling her to, so sorry if I don’t feel bad for her. She certainly doesn’t feel bad for me. My mother told me she isn’t going to be home tonight. I am so glad I got the house to myself. I was hoping my LTD money would come today but nope, won’t be in till Monday. Fuckers. I can at least start the process of getting to know what is wrong with my screen and send it out next week. But I don’t know if they need the money up front or not so I haven’t made the call.

Today has been raw and cold. I haven’t been outside, only to go down to my aunt’s. I wish I could tell her what I really think of her. I really do. But out of respect for my mother, I just keep it to myself.

I didn’t write today, not that that was the plan or anything. I didn’t even shower or get dressed. I just stayed in my pjs. I did make myself pancakes for breakfast. That is all that I have done today. I am still full that I don’t want to make anything else. I got to find out when the next Jays game is. I got to know who will be playing the Mets in the World Series.