I finally was able to go out today. I picked up my prescription and bought a couple of necessities, including Reese’s candy that was on sale. It was a debate between peanut butter cups and Kit Kats, but peanut butter always wins. I also got toothpaste because we were running low. Walgreens had the one that I wanted 2/$6 yet the same size in a two pack was for $6.99. I thought that was weird. So I saved a buck. I came home okay. I was hurting more walk to Walgreens than going home. I feel pretty good, though my ankle is acting up a little bit. But I got out of the house for the first time since Wednesday.
I got a surprised text from Twitter. Apparently, the blog that I sent to a Twitter buddy got picked up by a mental health advocate and she placed the blog in her blog/paper. It was cool to see my blog get circulated in this fashion.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping. Stupid McAfee wouldn’t reinstall itself and I had to get tech support to do their clean up sweep so it would be a “fresh” install. I had also read “Suicide as Psychache” and that got the gears turning toward how to have my therapist help me during a suicidal crisis, which prompted me to send out the blog to my Twitter buddies. The part I was reading was about needs. Frustrated needs lead to perturbation, which can lead to lethality if an individual’s level is high enough. That is Shneidman’s theory, anyway. I have found it to be true for me because if I am not feeling validated or understood, my suicidality can increase very quickly. So here it was after 0200 and I can’t sleep. I have all these ideas running through my head plus the frustration of not having McAfee installed. I was able to come down to a little blog called Modal needs. Everyone has them. It’s what drives us. But the vital needs, if thwarted or frustrated, causes perturbation and suicidality. There are only a certain number of the twenty that are vital to the individual. My needs may not be the same as someone else’s.
And then I got thinking, how to convey this to my goofy therapist in a way that she understands it and is able to lower the frustration so I don’t plan on killing myself. I never got around to this. I stayed up with McAfee’s tech support, shut the computer down and the Ativan finally let me sleep. Tomorrow if my back cooperates, I will go to Starbucks and work on this new frustrated needs blog. I also, while reading, got some more quotes for my “Quote for the Day” blogs. This book is loaded with them.
I still need to get a haircut. I am hoping the barber shop I usually go to is open tomorrow. I will try and get my hair cut before going to Starbucks to work on this blog. I’d work on it now but I don’t have the brain power to do it. I need coffee and an inviting atmosphere. I work better when I am at Starbucks than I do from my room.
I got an email from Kindle saying that one of the payments failed to go through so I should be getting a little bit of money from them tomorrow. I like when I get royalty payments.
Had BPD Chat. I don’t know why I bother trying to participate. No one really responds to my inquiries or statements. It’s just so frustrating. Today’s topic was “Emptiness”. I have been feeling empty since the depression has gotten worse the past few weeks. I feel it so bad it’s almost physical, like I have no organs inside, like I am an empty shell of a being. It’s awful to feel this way all the time. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. It just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I have tried telling my psychiatrist this but nothing gets said about it. I makes me feel worse when other people in the chat feel that way yet don’t respond back to my support or anything. I just don’t know why I bother. Maybe I should just stop attending.