finally able to go out

I finally was able to go out today. I picked up my prescription and bought a couple of necessities, including Reese’s candy that was on sale. It was a debate between peanut butter cups and Kit Kats, but peanut butter always wins. I also got toothpaste because we were running low. Walgreens had the one that I wanted 2/$6 yet the same size in a two pack was for $6.99. I thought that was weird. So I saved a buck. I came home okay. I was hurting more walk to Walgreens than going home. I feel pretty good, though my ankle is acting up a little bit. But I got out of the house for the first time since Wednesday.

I got a surprised text from Twitter. Apparently, the blog that I sent to a Twitter buddy got picked up by a mental health advocate and she placed the blog in her blog/paper. It was cool to see my blog get circulated in this fashion.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. Stupid McAfee wouldn’t reinstall itself and I had to get tech support to do their clean up sweep so it would be a “fresh” install. I had also read “Suicide as Psychache” and that got the gears turning toward how to have my therapist help me during a suicidal crisis, which prompted me to send out the blog to my Twitter buddies. The part I was reading was about needs. Frustrated needs lead to perturbation, which can lead to lethality if an individual’s level is high enough. That is Shneidman’s theory, anyway. I have found it to be true for me because if I am not feeling validated or understood, my suicidality can increase very quickly. So here it was after 0200 and I can’t sleep. I have all these ideas running through my head plus the frustration of not having McAfee installed. I was able to come down to a little blog called Modal needs. Everyone has them. It’s what drives us. But the vital needs, if thwarted or frustrated, causes perturbation and suicidality. There are only a certain number of the twenty that are vital to the individual. My needs may not be the same as someone else’s.

And then I got thinking, how to convey this to my goofy therapist in a way that she understands it and is able to lower the frustration so I don’t plan on killing myself. I never got around to this. I stayed up with McAfee’s tech support, shut the computer down and the Ativan finally let me sleep. Tomorrow if my back cooperates, I will go to Starbucks and work on this new frustrated needs blog. I also, while reading, got some more quotes for my “Quote for the Day” blogs. This book is loaded with them.

I still need to get a haircut. I am hoping the barber shop I usually go to is open tomorrow. I will try and get my hair cut before going to Starbucks to work on this blog. I’d work on it now but I don’t have the brain power to do it. I need coffee and an inviting atmosphere. I work better when I am at Starbucks than I do from my room.

I got an email from Kindle saying that one of the payments failed to go through so I should be getting a little bit of money from them tomorrow. I like when I get royalty payments.

Had BPD Chat. I don’t know why I bother trying to participate. No one really responds to my inquiries or statements. It’s just so frustrating. Today’s topic was “Emptiness”. I have been feeling empty since the depression has gotten worse the past few weeks. I feel it so bad it’s almost physical, like I have no organs inside, like I am an empty shell of a being. It’s awful to feel this way all the time. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. It just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I have tried telling my psychiatrist this but nothing gets said about it. I makes me feel worse when other people in the chat feel that way yet don’t respond back to my support or anything. I just don’t know why I bother. Maybe I should just stop attending.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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