No Naps for the Weary

No Naps for the Weary

After I wrote the blog this morning, I tried to take a nap. I slept for about two hours and then woke up. It was the last nap I took. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was very hungry. I made pancakes. And hour later I had some chicken cutlets with delicious honey mustard and fries. I am kind of full right now but my mother is heating up a chicken pot pie and I will be a stuffed goose after that. It’s just so filling. I am very tired but every time I lie down, I wake up. I never made coffee because I didn’t feel like making it. I am thinking of making it now but it’s kind of late and I don’t want to be up all night. I already have been up all day.

I know part of the reason I am so tired is because I took some Neurontin to sleep. But I think the depression is back and that is not helping matters. I just feel so laid down with burden, like a heavy weight is upon me and I can’t fucking breathe. Just walking to Walgreens took so much spoons out of me it wasn’t funny. I was literally out of breath when I got to the store and I usually walk there every other day so I am not sure why I was so short of breath. Some days when I am not tired, I can walk without feeling short of breath. I think the tireds are the cause because I am forcing myself to do an activity that requires walking or movement. Even going up and down stairs causes me to be out of breath when I am tired.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts today. I am too tired to even think about that, though I have thought about taking more Neurontin than I should. I keep hoping to have a massive heart attack and die. Unfortunately, there is little heart disease in my family so I doubt that will happen. My father had a heart attack but it wasn’t until he was over the age of 75 and it was a minor one.

I got a massive headache and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am very tired. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up early and stayed up late. I keep having weird sleeping times. And trying to nap is always difficult because my mind wanders before I am able to rest and sleep. I’m going to try napping now and hope I am not up come 2 in the morning.