No Naps for the Weary

No Naps for the Weary

After I wrote the blog this morning, I tried to take a nap. I slept for about two hours and then woke up. It was the last nap I took. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was very hungry. I made pancakes. And hour later I had some chicken cutlets with delicious honey mustard and fries. I am kind of full right now but my mother is heating up a chicken pot pie and I will be a stuffed goose after that. It’s just so filling. I am very tired but every time I lie down, I wake up. I never made coffee because I didn’t feel like making it. I am thinking of making it now but it’s kind of late and I don’t want to be up all night. I already have been up all day.

I know part of the reason I am so tired is because I took some Neurontin to sleep. But I think the depression is back and that is not helping matters. I just feel so laid down with burden, like a heavy weight is upon me and I can’t fucking breathe. Just walking to Walgreens took so much spoons out of me it wasn’t funny. I was literally out of breath when I got to the store and I usually walk there every other day so I am not sure why I was so short of breath. Some days when I am not tired, I can walk without feeling short of breath. I think the tireds are the cause because I am forcing myself to do an activity that requires walking or movement. Even going up and down stairs causes me to be out of breath when I am tired.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts today. I am too tired to even think about that, though I have thought about taking more Neurontin than I should. I keep hoping to have a massive heart attack and die. Unfortunately, there is little heart disease in my family so I doubt that will happen. My father had a heart attack but it wasn’t until he was over the age of 75 and it was a minor one.

I got a massive headache and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am very tired. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up early and stayed up late. I keep having weird sleeping times. And trying to nap is always difficult because my mind wanders before I am able to rest and sleep. I’m going to try napping now and hope I am not up come 2 in the morning.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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