Saturday Blog 39

My sisters and I went out. It was a good time. We had plenty of Chinese food and brought most of it home. We just couldn’t finish it all. I came home and there was mail, mostly for me. Two good friends sent me Christmas tidings. My friend from Texas was very kind. She sent me a Hope coin. She wants me to hold on to it on my bad days. I am grateful to have her in my life. We always have good chats. She understands how dark my depressions are and doesn’t shy away from them. She wishes I don’t have them but she isn’t judgmental about it. She is a really good friend.

Even though I didn’t do too much of anything today, my thigh is hurting. I think if I sit too long, it aggravates it. So I try not to sit too long and walk around a little bit. I hate having this pain. It’s really driving me nuts. It’s making me more nervous about seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I just hope I am not wasting our time with this. The pain is not consistent and it doesn’t always come on when I sit too long, or at least when I think I have sat too long. It also has been brought on by walking home, after doing all that I did. I wish my fears would just go away but I have good reason to be fearful. Having a bad back is never an easy thing to not be afraid of. I just want an MRI to see if there are changes. I know that because I don’t have weakness or bowel/bladder problems there is probably nothing to worry about but I worry anyway.

I got an email from my favorite author. He finally described what a short story, novella, and novel were, in terms of word count. He will be coming out with a revised book about writing sometime in the next year. I will be getting this book because I love his writing style. He has been doing this for more than forty years so I think he knows something about writing.

My mother needed technical help with the TV as she was using one remote to shut the TV off and the other to shut off the cable box. Then was wondering why the TV wasn’t working. Going down and then back up the stairs really hurt my thigh. Seems anything to flex the muscles hurt. Dammit. I hope it calms down. I took a pain pill because my ankle is flaring. Hope it calms down both. I hate being in so much pain. I really want to end things tomorrow. But I promised my therapist I wouldn’t. It’s too bad I always keep my promises, but I never keep a promise to myself. Funny how that works.

My birthday is the day after the meeting with the surgeon. I am tempted to ask my therapist if I can stay with her overnight. I just am dreading this day so much. Why can’t I just stay 39? I just wish my family wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It’s just another day.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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