Hot Chocolate and Other Thoughts
A blogger friend made a comment on my Dark Hot Chocolate post and I thought I would have a cup. I have been up since 0445. I plan on taking some nerve pain meds to get back to sleep. I want to finish my cup of cocoa first.
My mood is still down and I cannot seem to fix my TiVo. I am very, very sad about this. There are shows on there that I haven’t seen, like Rizzoli and Isles and definitely, Bones. Part of me doesn’t care and part of me is extremely pissed off that I didn’t watch the shows when I could have. I am going to play around with it sometime today to see if it will boot up.
I’m still having suicidal thoughts. My therapist called me after I sent her a distressing text. We talk for a bit and she made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything this weekend. She really wants to see me on my birthday. Now I have to get a Zipcar. My only worry is that I won’t be able to get one at a place that I know. I really want to get the same car I got last time. It drove really well. I think next time I am going to take the highway home rather than go through the back roads. It seemed to take forever to get home through the back roads and I was getting really aggravated because I wanted to go home. It depends on how I feel. I was going to take the other highway home but there was traffic due to construction and I didn’t want to sit in traffic. There was no traffic on the back roads but I was just impatient to get home.
My suicidal plans are put off, again. I am not sure how I feel about this. I feel discouraged and angry. I shouldn’t have told my therapist about this. I don’t know why I seem to do things like this. I just feel so hopeless about every thing that is going on in my life. I can’t seem to do a damn thing. The only thing I can do is watch my niece when my sister needs me to, though I can no longer pick her up from school. The distance is just too much for me. There are too many hills for me to climb. It saddens me because I was once able to do those hills without a problem. And it kills me that I am disabled. I fucking hate being disabled where I can no longer do the things I was did. I can’t walk, which was my major stress reliever. I had my game, which was also my stress reliever but it shut down and I haven’t been able to find something similar. I could play Farmville but there is no challenge to that. You just plant your crops and collect “money” when you harvest then plant your crops again. It’s lost its appeal. I just have no other activities to keep me occupied so I think about suicide most of the time.
The reason I think about suicide is not only because I am disgruntled that I am disabled, but also because I don’t have anything else to occupy my time. Sure I go out to Starbucks and have my drink and write in my journal. But then I get anxious and need to come home. I only stay for about an hour, sometimes less. And then my mother calls me to see what I am doing. She also calls to let me know what we are having for supper. I try to have enough funds to last me through the month but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. This month I bought coffee so my funds were lower than they should be. I meant to add more funds to the Starbucks card but I never did. So now I have the entire weekend to ponder about my upcoming appointment with my neurosurgeon.
Saturday, I am going out with my sisters for Chinese food. It’s my birthday celebration with them. I wanted to go to another place but I have been deprived of Lo Mein for a while and I want it dammit! I also want General Gao. So I already know what I want. That will be a distraction for a little while. I am sure I will continue to write my Saturday Blogs. I know I have been writing more blogs. It helps to write my thoughts down.