Random 142

Random 142

My TiVo is on the fritz. It keeps telling me that the internal temp is too high and then shuts off. It’s had a long life, 14 years. Only thing is, I don’t want to buy a replacement because you have to pay monthly. I might get cable DVR services but I will have to have a strict talk with my mother if I do. I don’t want her cancelling my shows because she wants to watch hers if I am paying for it. I already missed at least three episodes of Bones because of this. I don’t want to miss the season.

I went over my father’s and did what I had to do. I then left. He gave me some chicken cutlets so I had that for lunch. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens but I just wasn’t up for it. I was hurting, tired, and needed food and coffee. I said that I would go later but this coffee is having no effect on my tiredness so I might take a nap. Being up in the middle of the night and then sleeping did me no favors. I had to buy my father bread other wise I would have slept later. It’s a good thing I went when I did because they only had 4 loaves left. He still complains about the bread, wanting to know where I bought it, as if I make it at home. Guy is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or what, but I am wicked down. I met my cousin on the bus ride home and she reminded me again that I was turning the big number. I wanted to smack her. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal over it. It’s just a number. I will be that number for a fucking year so I don’t understand why they are making a big deal. I hate my birthday and I rather die this weekend than live to see it in a few days. I have four bottles of pills that I can use to kill myself this weekend. But I am too scared that I will just get sick and live that it’s not even worth trying. This depresses me to no end. I feel like I am such a failure or wimp for not even trying.

I am not even trying to be positive or hopeful. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I just want to die. I want to cease to exist. My therapist thinks otherwise. She can’t envision a life without me in it. Awkward how that is. But then we have been working so long together, I think she is a little codependent on me. I know my death will devastate her as will a lot of people including my family.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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