random thoughts on hospitalization

Random thoughts on hospitalization

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of hours. I don’t know if I will end up in the hospital that I want and might end up at a hospital I was at 15 years ago, before I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. The hospital there was a good place. I got the help that I needed. But I wasn’t taking narcotic pain medication at the time. I hope that they will allow me to take my pain meds.

I also hope they will allow me to take my own OCP. Without these pills I will be screwed and I will have my menses messed up. Most places will allow it and I brought an unused pack with me. I have to remember to bring my charger and my journal because the journal has my medication list in it.

I wrote my mother a little note saying where I was and not to call me because I might not have access to my cell phone while in the ER or on the unit. If I am at the unit I was before, it won’t be a problem. But if I am at the other hospital, I don’t know what their policy is as I haven’t been there in 15 years.

I am very tired. But it’s still kind of “early”. I am afraid that if I go to sleep now, I will wake up before my alarm. I am also hungry but I don’t know what to eat. I probably will just fall asleep anyways so I don’t need food.

I want to email my psychiatrist about going in the hospital ED and whether I will have access to my cell phone or not. I will find out soon enough. This is so hard. I know it needs to be done but the anxiety surrounding it is tremendous. I got to remember to wear my slip on boots and not my sneakers because I don’t want them to remove the shoelaces. I hope they allow me to have my headphones. It will suck not being able to listen to music.

One thought on “random thoughts on hospitalization

  1. Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA

    Sigh. I’m reading this and it feels like being inside my own head, everything from the nail files to the shoe laces. I really feel for you, knowing it has to be done, but going, as it’s said in Spanish, “As if I’m going to the scaffold.” Como voy al patíbulo.

    They can’t d/c your pain meds. You would go right into withdrawal. They know that. Also your ocp’s, they can’t d/c. I hope you will get in touch with your shrink and have her write orders for those things. At the very least make sure you are on a voluntary so that if they try to do anything medically unsafe you can walk. You know what not to say!

    You are in my thoughts, and I will be sending you lots of good juju, and looking forward to your feeling better. I know how unbearable chronic brain pain is. I myself have been struggling with basically permanent depression for years. I never know how long I can put up with this. That’s why I have a dog. I feel bad that she has to put up with me, but that’s her job. None of us requested this particular shit sandwich.

    Love and all the best,

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