can’t sleep 3

Can’t Sleep 3

I seem to be making a lot of posts lately because I can’t sleep. I slept for about 2 hours and then woke up due to pain. Now I am having a hard time getting back to sleep. I am tempted to email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. I know she is already worried about me. It was apparent when I saw her on Monday.

I am tempted to write out the story that I wrote while I was in the hospital. It will give me something to do and hopefully make me sleepy. I just hope that it doesn’t stir things up. I should read but sometimes reading wakes me up and causes my brain to think of things. I do my best work during these hours so I should be ok. I have nothing I have to do today aside from making sure that I am awake for my grocery delivery and then having therapy in the afternoon. I can sleep after therapy, like I usually do. I then can make my delicious burger that I am looking forward to. I hope I have an appetite by then. I am still full over the dinner I had at the Olive Garden. I ate way too much food, but it was so damn good. I had chicken piccata. The capers were mild and I liked it. Usually, I don’t like capers because the taste is too strong but these weren’t so it was good. The zucchini they served with it, OMG it was so good. I love zucchini. It’s one of my favorite vegetables, especially during the summer. My mother will either buy it or my brother in law grows it in the garden. She makes some good dishes with it. I love it when she fries it up like potato chips with bread crumbs.

I had dessert, cheesecake. I have been craving cheesecake for some time now and I finally satisfied my craving. My friend that I was with said they get it from the Cheesecake Factory. I am going to have to check it out now. There is one in the next town over for me at the mall. They also have my favorite limoncello cake. It is to die for, if you like lemon stuff. I haven’t had it in a while because the price for a slice is ridiculous. Last I checked, I think it was almost $10. It is worth it though, if you have the money and the craving. The nice thing is that you can order the slices without having to have a meal. I remember I brought my niece there one time for her birthday. We were so full on appetizers that when our meal came, we hardly ate it and we had to bring it home. We both laughed because the plates were so huge. We just looked at the amount of food and laughed. I think we each had a bite and that was all we could stomach. It was really funny. I think we ordered the same dish, too.

I was just thinking. Yes, that was me with the smoke in the air. Over the last several months, all I have been talking about in therapy is my father. I thought that once he died, I wouldn’t talk about him anymore yet I still am talking about him. Fucking bastard is taking up my life, even in death. The past few days, I have been thinking of his girlfriend. I think, if I am conscious and sensible, I might give her a call to see how she is doing. She loved my father and he loved her. He talked about her all the time and would sometimes call me her name instead of my own. I didn’t think nothing of it because he was old and stuff. He would correct himself and that would be the end of it. As I was thinking of my father tonight, I remembered how much he loved visiting New York City a few months ago when he was well. He went with his girlfriend. They had gone to the casino first and then drove up to New York. He really had a good time there. I don’t think I have ever seen my father more happy. I am glad he went before he died.

I still can’t believe the decline my father had. It was like in January he was in good health and then after his radiation treatments, he just went downhill. There were problems after problems after that. Then during one of his admissions, while he had some clarity, I became his health care proxy. I was really scared about being it because I was suffering under a deep depression and was afraid my mental status would cloud my judgement. But I did okay, with the help of my sisters. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Not that the decisions I made were that difficult. I just went with what my sister told me his wishes were and carried them out to the best of my ability. The most important thing is that the guy didn’t suffer. It was hard, so bloody hard, seeing him deteriorate. He didn’t eat so eventually became emaciated. It was terrible. He lost so much weight and so quickly. He lost muscle tone and became so weak that just putting on a shirt and pants exhausted him. He would go to sleep afterwards. It was really sad.

I placed a big Amazon order and for some reason, my payment was declined. Now I got to go to the rigmarole of retrying my card. It’s so stupid because the payment went in the first time or I would have gotten a decline when I first placed the order. It’s so stupid. I just hope they don’t charge me individually for the items ordered. I ordered 5 things. I will be pissed if there are 5 charges on my card for one fucking order. They have done this in the past so I am weary.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to can’t sleep 3

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I hate when I cant sleep. I hope the amazon thing gets fixed soon. Sending good thoughts and some hugs your way today. xoxo

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s