Do not disturb

I didn’t go to sleep till 4. I was in pain all night and wanted to die. Then staff got me up around 9ish for meds and vitals. Seemed every time I tried to get back to sleep, there was a knock on my door. I was very tired and still in pain. I thought of a plan to kill myself. I want to be discharged tomorrow. I don’t want to be here any more.

I didn’t want to see the rounding doc, but she saw me anyway. There was nothing she could do for me anyway. After she left, I felt like hanging a do not disturb on my door. I really wanted to sleep. I finally did after lunch. I slept for about two hours. The pain settled down. But when I started moving around, it flared up again.

It was the next of shift so I asked for pain meds. I was told it would be the last dose of the day. I figured OK, I have my strong pain meds so not a problem, right? Wrong. They capped that out, too. I’m only allowed 2 doses in a 24 hr period. I’m fucking bullshit. I’m so upset, I’m crying. I just want to go home or die.

I was looking at ways to kill myself today. For less than $20, I can get what I need to end my life. All because of pain, I’ll be ending my life. I won’t be telling anyone this because I won’t be discharged. I hope I don’t have another night of pain. Being sleep deprived won’t be good. The new med is still causing me to be hungover in the morning.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I just know I am bullshit and angry that I can’t get my meds. 

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, disability and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Do not disturb

  1. G. Collerone says:

    I’m trying to get discharged today

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    i am so sorry this is nuts, how do they expect you to manage with only 2 doses a day? bullshit! xx

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