Don’t know what leg to limp on

So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.

I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.

I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.

I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.

Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s