Do not disturb

I didn’t go to sleep till 4. I was in pain all night and wanted to die. Then staff got me up around 9ish for meds and vitals. Seemed every time I tried to get back to sleep, there was a knock on my door. I was very tired and still in pain. I thought of a plan to kill myself. I want to be discharged tomorrow. I don’t want to be here any more.

I didn’t want to see the rounding doc, but she saw me anyway. There was nothing she could do for me anyway. After she left, I felt like hanging a do not disturb on my door. I really wanted to sleep. I finally did after lunch. I slept for about two hours. The pain settled down. But when I started moving around, it flared up again.

It was the next of shift so I asked for pain meds. I was told it would be the last dose of the day. I figured OK, I have my strong pain meds so not a problem, right? Wrong. They capped that out, too. I’m only allowed 2 doses in a 24 hr period. I’m fucking bullshit. I’m so upset, I’m crying. I just want to go home or die.

I was looking at ways to kill myself today. For less than $20, I can get what I need to end my life. All because of pain, I’ll be ending my life. I won’t be telling anyone this because I won’t be discharged. I hope I don’t have another night of pain. Being sleep deprived won’t be good. The new med is still causing me to be hungover in the morning.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I just know I am bullshit and angry that I can’t get my meds.