Category: blogging

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.

Tired Funk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I really wanted to go out today but my need for sleep overrode my desire to leave my bed. I slept pretty good so I don’t know why I am so tired. I kept on giving myself times to get ready, like I will take the 1 pm bus. When that didn’t work out, I said I would take the 2 pm bus. That didn’t work out either. So now it’s too late for coffee but I might make a cup of tea. I think that will get me out of this tired funk I am in.

Only thing that I did today was make pancakes. I still am full from them. I don’t have an appetite. My mother is making her stuffed chicken breasts tonight. Just glad I don’t have to fend for myself. Otherwise I would not eat.

I feel depressed today for some reason. With my plans canceled tomorrow, I have nothing to do. I have therapy tonight. Just hope that I can be awake enough for it to make sense.

I read a blog today about how this blogger finally got her psych diagnosis, from a psychiatrist. It was something she wasn’t expecting but sounded like her and her therapist were ready to handle it. She was really mad that she has PTSD. She didn’t say how she got it, and I didn’t go fishing through her blog to find out. Anyone can have PTSD. I even have it, though it’s not prominent in my life. I don’t get flashbacks anymore, only when my pain flares up and I can’t move my toes. That is really the only time I will start flipping out and take Ativan. I will take Ativan for spasms, too. But it’s rare these days as my pain is well controlled. The last time I remember having PTSD symptoms was when I was in the hospital and I was in severe pain.

Seeing as I am not doing anything tomorrow, I might get my haircut. I just have to figure out of I want to get it cut in my town or in Boston. I probably will have it done at in my town as I can just come home and shower afterwards. It’s always a pain when I want to get my haircut because I sometimes don’t get it the way that I want it cut. And it all comes down to gender haircuts. I prefer a male haircut because I am male. Yet I have a body of a woman so I get stereotyped. I often get a double take when I say I want a double zero on the back and sides and short and spiky on top. I don’t understand why they can’t follow my directions. I know what I want and I know what I like, so why are you giving me a funny look? I am tempted to go to downtown Boston because I really liked the girl that gave me my cut last time but with my fatigue and the walking involved, I don’t think I can make it. The weather is supposed to be warmer so maybe I will. I don’t know.

I still have yet to empty my recycles or throw away another box like I said I would. I don’t know how I got a collection of boxes in my room. I still have the printer box but I am going to hang on to that one just in case something goes wrong with it. Problem is, my brother in law has moved the recycle bin to his back porch rather than the front. So now I have to go down the stairs and through his house, to get to the recycle bin. It’s a pain in the ass.

Sleepy Sunday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Yesterday my blog reach 139 views, the second most views it has had in quite a while. I was very happy.

Pain kept me up most of the night. I didn’t go to bed till at least 0300 or after. And to my surprise, I slept till 1500! I have never slept that late in a long time. I had something to eat and then I went back to bed. I am just so very tired. I didn’t do anything special to sleep, which is weird. Usually I take something, like Neurontin, and I can sleep for hours on end but this time I didn’t. I guess I really needed to sleep.

Needless to say, I got nothing done today, except today’s blog. I was going to join a chat but I fell asleep, again. I just took my night meds, some of them, so I should be going to sleep soon. Surprisingly, I am not in as much pain as I was last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything. Any type of movement with my ankle just brought more pain. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. That was a trick I hope I don’t have to learn again.

Because I was in la la land most of the day, my pill box didn’t get refilled. I will do that tomorrow. I have nothing to do all day except for my therapy appointment in the evening. In fact, other than therapy and my pdoc appt this week, nothing else is in the roster. So I can watch baseball games! I watched the last 2 ½ innings of the spring training game today. We won 6-3, even though the other team out hit us. I guess the other team gave away more walks than they should have, and it proved costly.

I finished typing the short story about psychosis last night. I am so happy to have that done. It really took a lot out of me to type up. I plan on editing it and then deciding if I want to publish it on my blog or just keep it non-published until it becomes part of the book I am making.

I really hate dry skin. I feel so itchy all over the place and I know it’s because of the dryness. It happens every winter, and is worse after a shower. I try to put lotion on but there are spots, like my back, that I can’t reach. I try to use a different soap to wash up with when it gets really bad. That usually helps until it wears off. Then I am scratching again.

I am going to try and change the linen this week. It’s always a arduous task but a necessary one. I haven’t quite decided if I am going to change in to my fleece sheets or my regular sheets. I still have a few days to think about it because I have to take the stuff off my bed to change the bed. Stuff like my journal and books. I sleep only on half my bed. The other half is my “office”.

I am also going to try and get a haircut this week. I just haven’t decided where to go to get it. I can go to the local barber shop but lately, they haven’t been cutting it as short as I would like. I have been going to Supercuts. The last time I went there, they did a good job, but it was at a location in Boston, not the one that is near my psychiatrist’s place. If I wait till Friday, that will be ok. I should be able to get up early and get my haircut before the appointment.

While I was up between naps, I made something to eat. Guess you can say it was lunch and dinner rolled into one. Made cinnamon rolls and then chicken nuggets. It was good. Then I went back to sleep.

Tired of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I got good news today, well yesterday. My psychiatrist is back in the office! I haven’t seen her in like four months because she broke her hip. I finally asked her point blank when will I see her again and she sent me an appointment time. I am so excited, but nervous, about seeing her again. I feel a little bit better knowing that she is back in the office, that I am not so alone anymore. And seeing her is perfect because I need a refill on one of my meds.

I have been tired most of the day. I had a bad pain flare up last night and I didn’t get to bed till after 0200. I slept until around 8 when I had to go to the bathroom. I went back to sleep and then some jerk with a private number called around 1030. They left a blank message. It pissed me off and I then I just got up. I had a couple of phone calls to make anyways, on behalf of my father.

I am watching my niece tonight until her father comes home. She and I just finished eating pizza and fries. She is watching movies on her Kindle.

Speaking of Kindle, last night I decided to purchase and download two (2) songs. It turned into a nightmare. The AmazonMP3 app decided it was going to download ALL (1460 of them!) the songs I have ever purchased from them. I couldn’t get it to stop so I uninstalled the app. I was bullshit. I really just wanted to hear those songs I bought. Then the damn thing was downloading songs from a CD I purchased and was waiting to arrived. That was cool but the download was like half a song. It was terrible night. I was getting so annoyed and it was getting late. I was in horrible pain and irritable that I just couldn’t deal with it. I sent a couple of tweets to AmazonMP3 to let them know their app sucks.

I then decided, as I was in an irritable mood, to type up the short story I have been working on all week. I must have typed up half a page when I realized what I wrote sounded a little psychotic and incoherent. Of course, when I first wrote it, it made sense at the time. So I just omitted the incoherent part. By that time, the Ativan was kicking in and it was close to three in the morning so I went to bed.

I don’t know why my ankle flared up yesterday. It is better now and I hope it stays that way. I took a shower today and it kind of didn’t like me standing on it so I took a pain pill because I thought I would have to walk to pick up my niece. But my sister texted me saying she was getting out of work early and she would pick her up from school, then drop her off at the house. Sounded good to me as I wasn’t sure what the streets around the school were like, if they were shoveled or not.

It’s the sleepy hour. I am trying to resist taking a nap but I am fricken cold and just want to go under the covers. I know that if I do, I will wake up around 2300 and be up for several hours. I have made a deal with myself that if I read up to 750 pages in my Civil War book, I will start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. That book is also a mouthful and wordy but I like Dostoevsky’s books. I read this book in college for a Russian reading class. Russia has always fascinated me. I really would love to go to St. Petersburg one day, but I think that will be just a dream.