Category: blogging

Random 236

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Finally went to Starbucks today. It made me happy, least for a little while. I brought my laptop thinking I would type up what I had written last night on the new short story I am working on. I typed up two pages and then had to quit. My brain was fried. Between trying to decipher my handwriting and the distraction of the internet, I just couldn’t really concentrate on what I was typing. And I just couldn’t get into a typing rhythm. I will try and type up what I wrote later tonight. Maybe I will have better success when I am in my quiet room. Starbucks’ music was so loud and it was competing with my headphones. My brain couldn’t decipher what music to listen to, despite my headphones being a the volume setting I had it on. I was listening through my computer rather than my phone. I have Taylor Swift playing on both music players. Her music keeps me focused on other things, though there are a few songs on 1989 that I have to dance to or at least bob my head. I just can’t quite sit there when these songs come on. The songs are “Shake it off” and “How to get the girl”.

I seem to be in good spirits today. I called my father and spoke to him for a little bit. He is feeling better than he was yesterday. I got a Christmas letter from my cousins about their doings. It was something I already knew but it was nice reading the letter. My cousin has some wit and made me laugh at her rhyming. I haven’t sent out Christmas cards in a few years. Mostly because they are expensive and I haven’t had the extra money to get them. I did send out a few to a couple of friends from a pack of cards my mother got from donation places looking for money. She doesn’t send cards out. I don’t think she ever did while I was growing up. I guess she just couldn’t be bothered.

Next week I have to finagle the bagel again. I made an appointment for my father on the same day I have therapy. It’s two hours before my appointment so I hope I can keep it. Thing is, I don’t know if there will be testing or not so I think I better just cancel it rather than try and keep it, just to be on the safe side. I really don’t want to be charged a session fee because I gave less than 24 hour notice.

I picked up my prescription today. I got to talking to the pharm tech about my writings. It felt good to write again. I was up till almost 0200 just writing away. I got to almost eight pages of stuff. But then the meds kicked in and I had to sleep. I thought about continuing at Starbucks but I just wasn’t in the frame of mind. I figure I might as well start typing it and that was the last thing I did before falling asleep. I just got the first two paragraphs started and then continued when I got to my happy place. I think it is a really good story. I might post it as a blog.

I really need to take a shower later today. I just feel icky and my head won’t stop itching. I have dry scalp and it is only made worse by dirty hair. I have yet to find a shampoo that works. Even if I use dandruff shampoo I still itch. It is so annoying. If it continues, I might see a dermatologist. I think I will have to because one of my moles has changed. It is now raised and looks darker. I have one on my upper arm that is “suspicious” but I never got it checked out. I figured as long as it doesn’t bother me, I am ok.

I plan on making my steak tonight. My mother made chicken soup so I know she will have that rather than my steak. She doesn’t like steak anyway so it will be all mine! I will have rice with it or maybe tater tots. I will decide when I get to the kitchen. This will be the first time that I cook steak so I hope I do it right.

Deeply Disturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicide, writing

Deeply disturbed

I woke up early this morning and found that a teen in my state “encouraged” another teen to take his life. She is now being charged with manslaughter because he didn’t want to go through with it but she egged him on. I am disgusted and disturbed by this. What is more disturbing is that the story is trending! That is what brought it to my attention. In a town I never heard of, this happened. And to think that someone had to die to make the news. It is very sad. And what really pisses me off is that when there are suicide prevention efforts being rolled out, they don’t trend at all. Like Facebook, for example. They just implemented a new way to find out about a person’s status and get them help, if need be. I don’t know how it works, as I have not seen it. I am sure it must be done through the reporting feature on the status. Too bad Twitter doesn’t have this feature. I also argued on Twitter to use the hashtag suicide when giving out hotline numbers and such because you never know who will see them. Often times, people will retweet a number, but not the hashtag, and I feel it gets lost in the system so to speak. I once trolled the hashtag and found that not one person was helping these people who were desperately conveying their suicidal thoughts. I tried to help one that looked very dire but got no response back. And this was within minutes of posting the tweet. Sometimes, people won’t respond to strangers and I get that but putting a hashtag and then saying you are going to do something to harm yourself is just playing with fire. I wish Twitter some day has the reporting system.

Then I get word that the Duck Dynasty star get an award for his anti-gay remarks he made. WTF is this world coming to?? That to me is the most disgusting award you can ever have. Yes, the guy has a right to his opinion about gays. I will give him that, but to receive an award?? Come on! It just boggles my fricken mind. I really can’t wrap my head around this one.

I started working on a new short story today. I must have written three sentences before my mind went blank. But I started and that is the important thing. Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Starbucks to finish it. I hope I can get it to at least three pages. I am handwriting it so I really need six pages. It will be a bitch to type up but maybe I can use Dragon so I don’t have to type. I feel bad that I bought this fricken software and have not used it much since I first got it. It is kind of difficult to use because it doesn’t give you a book guide, you have to search on the computer what you need to tell the program to do. And sometimes, especially when you want to correct something, like “delete this word”, it will type it rather than delete it! It can be frustrating to say the least. That is why I don’t use it often. They say it gets better with use, but when I get frustrated, my accent comes out and the words with “r”s get fucked up. There are no “R”s in Boston as I like to say.

My damn father called, twice today. The first time was to see if I was coming over. I knew my other sister was coming over so I said no. The second was to tell me he was feeling dizzy. I grew concerned because he has so many health issues. Then I found out he took a pain pill and that was the cause of the dizziness. Damn fool. If he told me that, I would have just told him to lie back down until it left him. Sometimes I get dizzy with my pain meds and I know the only thing to do is to lie down. Now tomorrow I have to make an appointment with his doctor because of the reason he took his pain medication. I am not happy right now. I got really pissed off because I was having fun in a chat room when he called. After the phone call, I couldn’t calm down so I left the chat. My fun was gone in an instant. The first time all week I got to socialize with people who understand what I go through and it was crushed.

I never made it to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really wanted to get Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I must not have really wanted them that bad because I didn’t leave the house. Actually, I had planned on it but I had an anxiety attack with chest pain this afternoon. I didn’t want to tax myself going out as I didn’t know if I was going to get that fatigue feeling again or not. I planned on staying safe before things go really bad. I hate when I have chest pain with anxiety. It was really awful. But I was breathing normally and I wasn’t having any symptoms of a heart attack. My pulse was normal, well normal as can be with anxiety. I forgot to take my BP meds this morning so I took them when I realized I forgot. I had these chest pains before and knew Ativan would take it away. If the med didn’t work, then I would be worried, which would just make my anxiety worse.

It is snowing again. We are expected to receive another 3-6 inches, a dusting really compared with what we have had. If it snows more than that, we will break the previous record of snow fall in a season. Right now the record stands at 107 inches. Currently our snow fall is 101 inches. My writing partner and I have a running joke of shipping snow to her to New Mexico. I told her I would gladly ship it to her, no cost. I don’t know if it will still be snow by the time it got to her. It might be water. There is a guy, also in my state, that is selling the stuff from his back yard at $119 (USD)/box. Guess that is one way to get rid of it. Otherwise, it might not melt till June or July!

When did I become an adult?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??

Another fricken cold day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Another fricken cold day

It’s supposed to be a high of like 18 degrees all week, that is with the wind chill. Tomorrow is supposed to be less than that, and I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I also have to finagle my appointment with my therapist. I figure on going to Starbucks first, get my mocha, then go to the hospital where my appointment is at, and just sit in the lobby to have my phone session. That is the plan anyway, if the T cooperates. So far, there hasn’t been too much disruptions on the buses or the red line. I am hoping the same for tomorrow.

Appt with my damn father. Let’s just say it was quick and over with faster than any other appointment. The only thing that sucked was waiting for the hospital shuttle to the train station. But we managed.

I am really tired and cold. I want to nap but I am too restless to actually do so. I could take something to calm me down some but I really don’t want to sleep this early in the afternoon. I am waiting a callback from one of my father’s docs and I don’t want to miss it. The doc we saw today was supposed to call in a script but hasn’t done so yet. So I am just waiting a callback to see when it will be done.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day today. I really haven’t been wanting to be on the laptop today for some reason. I am taking a break from my game, temporarily, as I am just fed up with it. You request stuff and you don’t get it day in and day out just frustrates you.

Did I mention I was cold? My hands and feet feel like ice. I hate being cold. I don’t know where the heat is today. It usually is warm in my room when it’s cold like it is today. I have been in my room for at least 3 hours and have not heard the heat kick on. This just sucks. I so just want to get under the covers and get warm.

I was hoping my powerade would be on sale this week but no such luck. But it is cheaper than Gatorade. But I need groceries this week so doesn’t matter. I need my stuff and ordering online is convenient. I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs either, which is really nice. I do, however, have to lug the powerade to my room, which is a pain. I usually transfer it to the recyclable bags as they fit more than the plastic bags. And I can usually carry it in one haul.

My mood is kind of down. Been thinking about the stress of tomorrow and it’s wrecking havoc on me. If I wasn’t such an idiot, I would cancel my appointment for my therapist but it is too late now. She requires a 24 hr notice and I passed it. I should be ok, but ever since the T has been having trouble, I have been weary. But I don’t want to be sitting out in the freezing cold, waiting for a bus that has been canceled, and not be notified about it. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. I plan on getting on an early bus so to avoid a cancellation, and the weather is supposed to be clear, no fricken snow. Just bloody cold. If I had money for a cab, I would take one but I don’t have it.

The psychosis seems to have abated. I don’t feel stressed out like I was. But the bus situation tomorrow isn’t helping to make me feel easy. And the appointments are close together. I should have taken the earlier appointment and then I could have possibly be home for my therapist. But I chose the later time because I am an idiot. I should have called back to see if I could change it but I didn’t want to be a dumbass. Besides, I hate calling my doc’s office because no matter what time I call, I am on hold for at least five minutes before someone picks up. And that is if I am lucky. I hate being on hold!