Category: blogging

food for thought

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I don’t know what to say. I have been up since seven and my thoughts keep swirling around above me. I keep thinking about food because I am hungry. I had a sub before going to bed last night. Today I am treating myself to a burrito and going out to a Thai restaurant with a friend. I can’t decide if I want pad Thai or their drunken chicken. Maybe I will have both and whatever I don’t finish, I will take home. It has been so long since I have had either.

I am kind of feeling like I am in a hopeful mood. I feel good but I am also tired. I had only seven hours of sleep, well, six and a half. I was up for twenty hours yesterday. You would have thought I would have slept longer but no, can’t be. I am in pain so I took a pain pill. I don’t want to take too much because I have to go to the bank today for my mother and then go to my doctor’s appointment. I am going to have her sign her book that I read. I will be writing a review, but not here. It will be on Amazon and Goodreads. Thing is, I am not sure what to say. The book was very interesting but sad. You wouldn’t think kids have mental issues before the age of 10 but they do and then the only way to deal with it, mostly, is by hospitalizing them. I don’t know if that really helps them or not and neither do the authors. Because once they step out of their door, they really have no idea what happens to these children.

I got a few weird comments on one of my disabled blog. I still have no idea what this person was trying to say but I “approved” it none the less. I think it is important to have different perspective of comments for my blog. Everyone’s opinion is valid, no matter how whacky it might seem.

My editor wrote back to me late last night. She loved what I sent her and can’t wait to work with me! That is a load off my mind! I guess that is why I am feeling giddy today. I feel like this book somewhat has the power to move people. I hope that she can move me up on queue, but I know that it might not be likely as I have not paid her in full yet.

I am still struggling with my depression. I know I said I feel hopeful before but my heart still feels heavy. It feels like it is bleeding and no matter how much I try, I just can’t stop the bleeding. I don’t know when this started. And because I am losing blood (metaphorically), I feel weak and tired all the time. No one will know this because I don’t act depressed. I have learned to live with it for so long that no one sees the real me. As long as I am able to put a smile on my face, everyone assumes I am fine and “happy”. I just can’t get out of this rut that I am in. I have people to see today and I know that I should be able to see them as I will just brush my feelings aside and not deal with them. Because if I do deal with them, I won’t leave the house. I realized the reason why I feel so hungry all the time. It is because I am always “dieting” in my head about eating less. I don’t eat more. But I don’t eat healthy and so I feel deprived of food. I know that what I eat is not the healthiest but it makes me happy. Eating a cheeseburger with bacon and avocados is yummy but not healthy. So I will just have that for the day. I won’t eat anything else. Today I will hopefully have my burrito with sour cream and guacamole. It is what I like. And the Thai food I hope I will have room for. But if not, I know that I can always take it home so that is not a big deal. It is just the idea of not eating that makes more hungry than not. I know I need to lose weight but my weight has been stable. I have been stuck at the same number no matter what I do or don’t eat. It’s really hard to lose weight when you can easily pack it on. I am self conscious about it because I know I am overweight, I always have been. But I hate myself because I am. It makes me depressed. It gives me low energy. I don’t have motivation. Most of the time all I want to do is stay in my bed.

Rambling 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

The other day, I was at Starbucks for a long time. I had written something that I thought was good but when I typed it up last night, I found out it was terrible. UGH. I hate when that happens. I don’t think I can complete my short story on darkness. It’s hard to write about it when I don’t feel like that all the time now. I guess I should be thankful for it but I like when I am able to write good stuff while in a dark mood.

I am in pain today. I was emptying the dishwasher and banged my bad leg on it. It caused a nerve pain attack and I had to take some medicine to get it under control. My therapist rescheduled our appointment today so I can get some sleep. I still am having bad sleep and weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming about rats being born and having to fling them to crocodiles so they can be safe…don’t know the meaning of that!!

Last night my father called me to see if I had cancelled his appointment for today. I didn’t cancel it but knew because of the snow, we wouldn’t be there anyway. I also tried to tell him about his lab results but he hung up on me before I could tell him. Frustrated the hell out of me. I don’t know why I bother. And it seems he always has his girlfriend on his mind because he calls me her name. UGH!!! I have yet to meet this woman and I doubt that I will because my father just doesn’t think that way. Not that I really care but he has been seeing her for a while now and you would think that we should have met her by now.

Today’s blustery blizzard has been cancelled. HAHAHA most of the schools have been canceled for nothing. The kids have a day off because the weatherman got it wrong. Idiots. I can’t stand the weathermen. They are always different. Each one has their own view of what the weather is going to be and they are mostly 40% right. It is cold though so I won’t be going out for my latte. Course I couldn’t anyway because I banged up my leg. I might have coffee later. Yes, a cup of Pike coffee sounds delicious!

I have been in a bad mood for most of the day, before I whacked my leg. I was kind of pissed off that I was again up before eight in the morning. I can’t stand waking up that early. So when my therapist texted me to say she had to reschedule, I took a much needed nap.

I feel better now that I had some pain meds on board and had a snooze. Pain isn’t as intense as it was. It is really cold out as I found out when the Chinese food delivery guy came with my lunch. I hope it warms up somewhat tomorrow. I have to go see my PCP for my monthly pain management plan. I haven’t seen him since November because his schedule has been full. I hope he doesn’t give me a hard time. I have been doing okay pain wise for the past month or so. Today I was only in pain because whacked my leg. Not a good thing when you have a nerve injury.

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity
It was enchanting to meet you
Your eyes whisper have we met

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is It was enchanting to meet you
This night is sparkling don’t you let it go
I spent forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

These are the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s song “Enchanted”. Every time I listen to this song it I think of the night that Dr. Jobes read my poster and I was enchanted by what surrounded me that night. He shook my hand and said good work. I was floored. I still am. He is my idol, my superstar. But that night and the next day changed me. I wish I could hold on to that feeling forever and this song takes me back to that time when I knew I belonged in the suicidology world and not a crummy lab working as a lab assistant. The next day, I got to meet David Lester and Antoon Leneears. Big names in the suicide field. I had just read their article the night before that they co-wrote along with Mauricio Pompili about Shneidman’s psychache pain scale. It can never work in the real world as it is a very complex scale not for the person taking it, but for the person interpreting it. I wish I could remember the name of the article and post it for those that want to read it but I would have to dig for it as I don’t know where it is. Anyways, I met these guys that I read the night before and how cool is that?? Total Enchantment!!

It was my first conference at the AAS, American Association of Suicidology. I still can’t believe that they accepted my paper for a poster session. It was unbelievable. I got to meet people and other grad students. I was probably the only undergrad there. It was such an amazing experience. I was on cloud nine for days. It made me want to get my degree faster but that would end later that year as I suffered a psychotic break and never fully recovered from it. All the pressure of that year through me into a psychosis that was hard to manage. I was also taking at the time a very difficult psych class and I guess it also didn’t help me. I ended up failing that class. I went from enchanted to disbelief. But nothing can take away that feeling of meeting Jobes and him shaking my hand.

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.