Category: depression

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

We are having a little snow here in Boston today. It’s not much but people are already going nuts over the “s” word. I don’t mind it. I just wish my AC was out of my window so it wouldn’t be so cold in my room. We had a warm front before this cold front and then the weather got really crappy so there wasn’t time to take the AC out. It’s really stormy out there with gusty winds. I wonder how the football game is going to fair in this kind of weather. We’ll see.

I went to bed before 10 and woke up around the time of the time change. It sucked because I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played by game until 4 AM when I could go back to sleep. I slept for a few more hours and that was it. I was up. I had one final prescription to fill so I went to the pharmacy and back. Ankle is feeling good today. Too bad it’s crappy out or I would go to the grocery store to get some stuff that I need.

Last night, I had side effects again. I am having some now but they aren’t too bad. I really want to take nap. I am really tired from not sleeping through the night, again. I just had a cup of tea to try and stay awake but it isn’t doing much. I would make coffee but I am afraid it might give me the jitters because I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I can’t decide what I want to have for lunch. I really want a tuna sandwich but there is no tuna in the house.

As much as I really don’t want to, I have to see my father today because my mother is throwing my sister a birthday party for her. Her birthday isn’t until tomorrow but things get crazy after work so they decided to have it today. The funny things is nobody told me the time to show up. I hate feeling like an insignificant and just expected to show up when they call. It happens every year that I am the last to know when there is a party for my sisters or my mother or my father. Never fails. Not that I have anything to do, but it would be nice to be invited or told the news than get the phone call ten minutes before the party.

My father has told me that he was invited to dinner to my sister’s today. I just hope I don’t have to drive through this yucky weather to pick him up. I really don’t feel like going anywhere today. I know the roads are going to be slick and awful. I rather walk than drive.

Pain has shot up again and I all I did was go downstairs after making myself lunch. Damn thing always acts up when I am on my feet for more than ten minutes. I had to come back to my room to take some pain meds. People keep asking me what I am doing and I tell them nothing. I won’t tell them about my writing because I am not sure I am writing anything other than my blog. It is so hard because if I was working, it would be a different story. Not too many people know about my ankle injury. Now I have to go to a party and pretend that all is well with me. I rather say fuck that and stay in my room but it’s my little sister’s party and I want to be there.

One thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

One thing

I am having a lazy day and there has been stuff that I need to do. So I did just one thing, brought my recycles down to the recycle bin. Now I don’t have empty bottles of water and powerade around my room.

I am getting a little worried. I haven’t peed in more than 8 hours now despite drinking. I am worried that I am retaining because of the increase in my muscle relaxer last night. It can happen, I was warned this could happen. Muscle relaxers and broken nerves sometimes have the opposite affect. I am trying to drink water as I know within an half hour, I usually go. I will take a shower then as I desperately need one. I stink of BO really bad. I don’t use deodorant anymore because what is the point if you don’t go out all the time. Even when I do, I have to try and remember to use it but usually I am not washed so I don’t care. If I am smelly, I won’t go out until I shower, unless it is a quick run to the drug store to pick something up. Other than that, I don’t leave the house unless it is an emergency.

I am playing “Jake Owen” radio on Pandora for most of the day. Awesome country music, almost all my favorite songs. I added Ed Sheeran to the mix and they played my wedding song, or what will be my wedding song one day. That is if I ever get married. I don’t have high hopes for that happening but in case it does, I am covered.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was having side effects again. I thought I would let her know that I am taking the Abilify every other night for the past two weeks because of the side effects are really wearing on me and they hurt. I told her my forearms gets spastic and my left hand clenches and I cannot open it until the Ativan kicks in. Last night was not as bad as it has been. I think taking it every other day has helped and I haven’t been psychotic, delusional, or paranoid. My think is coherent and not clustered like it sometimes get when I am delusional. I hope this continues because I really don’t want to end up in the hospital because I skipped a dose every other day. I just can’t stand the side effects. They are very uncomfortable.

I just went to the bathroom. Whoo! Now I don’t have to worry that I am retaining. It would suck to have to go to the ER to be catheterized. It is something that scares me when I don’t go more than 6 hours. I once went 12 full hours and when I went, I was mega full. I swore I had two bladders by then because I just kept on going and going. I swore I would never let that happen again. I am wearing a pad because of my menses so if I have overflow, I am not going to know. It just sucks.

I made pasta and sauce for dinner. It is my favorite meal. I could have it every day. My mother then grabs me (figuratively) and gives me a list of things to do while she goes out to my cousin’s birthday party. I got the clothes out of the dryer, folded them and put them where they belong. My next task will be done when I am finished with this blog. I have to put the cookies she made away in a container. I have to fish out the lid first. That is always fun! NOT. Then I have to put the dough away in the fridge. And finally, I need to wash the dishes I used for my dinner. PFT. I hate washing dishes with sauce. It just smells terrible when you mix soap with tomato sauce. I really hate it. But I told my mother I would do it because her back hurts her really bad today. Probably because of the weather. It is very stormy today, with high winds and rain. My ankle is throbbing but not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe the baclofen, new medicine I am on, is helping me. I just hope it was not the cause of my retention. That would really suck!!

Day three and still no bowel accidents. I am so grateful for that. I am hoping it won’t happen again. I have been careful with eating fiber as I know that just goes right through me, literally. I have only one bowl of my mini wheats a day now and I have noticed a decrease in gas. I am so glad I figured this out, though it was the hard way to find out. But that is what cauda equina syndrome does to you. One minute you think you are passing air, and the next it’s all stool. It sucks big time.

post 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not so great day

I got an email from my elusive psychiatrist today. Apparently she fell yesterday and broke her hip. She won’t be in the office for some time so we are now email buddies. This sucks. I feel bad for her being in pain and cooped up, but I miss her, too. The doctor covering her I don’t know. So I guess my blogs are going to be sent to her to provide updates on how I am doing. It will save me from having to type twice.

I then get an email from my dear friend that his wife has breast cancer and it might be metastatic. They won’t know until they operate. I feel so useless. All I can do is send out good thoughts to both parties and hope for the best in speedy recoveries. I hope to god that the cancer is caught in time and she only needs a few treatments of chemo or radiation to help her heal. My good friend in the lab has breast cancer and it is a scary road to be on. She is currently fighting another cancer caused by the medication to prevent her cancer, weird huh? I haven’t spoken to her since she had her uterus taken out and a drain put in. It’s hard to talk to people when they don’t answer the phone or call you back. But I am thinking of her none the less. I saw her in the lab a few weeks ago when I visited. She looked good. I hope that she is good. She is a fighter and I know my friend’s wife is too.

The only good news I got today was that I sold 4 copies of my book today. That is the most that I have sold in the last 3 months. I am so glad I sold that many books and hope the sales continue to rise.

I got to make way for the AC to be taken out of the window. It is supposed to be cold this weekend, with snow a possibility and I would like my room not to freeze because I am not sure when my mother is going to turn the heat on. All ready my room is cold as measured by the temp of my water bottles. I am okay under my blankets and wearing a long sleeved T shirt. I may move to a hoodie later as I know the temp is going to drop come night fall. I would take out the AC myself but I have a bad back and I am too scared I might drop it on my toes. That would hurt and suck at the same time!

HA, I think it is funny that my sister and I have been avoiding my father for the past two days now because we know he is going to blow his stack when we tell him what we have to tell him. It isn’t going to be pleasant to listen to his roar. I can almost hear him slamming down the phone after I tell him. This is going to suck so bad but he needs to know. It’s not bad news or anything, just something he was expecting to happen next week isn’t going to happen.

I haven’t had a bowel accident in two days. Lucky me. I hope this continues. It really sucked having to change my sheets the other night and find places to put my “office” stuff. I use half of my bed as an office as I only sleep on one side. I had to take the stuff off anyway as it had been a month since I last changed the sheets. I am really bad at changing them on a consistent basis. But it hurts me too much to change them. I wish one of my sisters would help me but they can’t be bothered so I stopped asking for their help.

Despite it being cold, my pain level is okay. I think I can try and do all three PT exercises today and see what happens. Hopefully they won’t cause me too much pain.

random nothingness

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.

I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.

I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.

When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.