fucking pissed off with good reason

Fucking pissed off with good reason

So I planned my death, went through the motions, prepared my will (still not finalized), bought my meds that I need, and then today I double checked the research. The med I thought would kill me even at the dose on some end of life website, was wrong. I would get very sick but not die. Fucking great. I am glad I am find this out now and now on my date that I planned on taking my life because waking up in the ICU or the next morning would anger me more. So the plans are off. Unless I can get a sharp fucking knife to stab myself to sever arteries, which I don’t think I have the guts to do.

I am beyond bullshit. But I know some of you are thankful for not going ahead with my stupid plan. But let me have my pity party because I wanted to end my life. I thought about this for over a month and now it’s crushed out like the butt end of a cigarette. I might still OD on something on my date, not enough to kill me but enough to knock me out for a few hours.

I get to return the pills I bought because I didn’t think I had enough. Least I will get some money back. I can’t get the other box refunded because I already disposed of evidence. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself for being a fool. I have no therapist I can vent to about this, just my stinking blog. I don’t know who reads this pile of dung anymore. I am kind of tripping on pain meds right now so please forgive the idiocy of my comments. They are more directed towards me and my shitty writing than you, the readers who I know are good people.

Now I get to live my life in pain, isn’t that just wonderful? It’s a gas. I had to take the strong pain pill early tonight because the pain was so bad and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet because it was too early. There has to be a better way to manage. I am seriously contemplating asking my doc for the $60/month pain pill that might help me. It might cause other problems like the strong pain pill does but at least I will get longer pain relief than a few hours here and there. This expensive pain pill is supposed to last 12 hours. It would be perfect for the night time hours because then I wouldn’t have to wake up at 3 in the morning to take another dose of meds because they wore off. Or wake up in severe pain at god knows what hour because my meds have wore off. It would certainly help my PTSD anxiety if I wasn’t in agony all the time. And most of the time it’s the anxiety keeping me up more than the pain.

So, readers, you get more blogs until I figure out a better way to end my life or I decide to actually live life, which I doubt. Thank you for reading.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to fucking pissed off with good reason

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I know your not happy about this, but I’ve never been so thrilled! I hate that your in pain, and I hope you get the new pain med and that it will help. I didn’t want you to go through with the plan, you know that. So I am glad you wont now. xxx

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