Category: depression

Bad night of little to no sleep

I will never again have a late coffee after 2pm. I couldn’t sleep last night to save my life. I was drifting off around 0300 so laid down, but all I did was toss and turn. I just couldn’t get comfortable and my mind just couldn’t rest. I had tried everything. Listen to music. Write in my journal. I stayed away from reading the book in case it got me thinking more. I stayed off my laptop. I just couldn’t rest. I honestly think it wasn’t cold enough for me to sleep.

Today is so fricken humid. The kitchen is disgustingly hot. My mother was in the living room where it was cooler. That is how I know it was too hot. I had my coffee. I brushed my teeth. I want to shave and shower but I might just shave. I hate showering when it is humid. I might do what I did last week and that is just cover myself with a towel and then get dressed in my cool room.

I tried to nap and all I did was rest. I hope I don’t get brain fog when I see my therapist in a few hours. That will really suck. Afternoon times were really my “awake” hours. Now it is fighting sleep. I find if I am up before 10, I am more productive, usually. But if I wake up after 12, I am useless and have sleepless nights like I did last night.

I think it is going to downpour. The sun is blocked and it is getting kind of dark out for it being close to noon. I don’t know if T storms are in the forecast. I haven’t been paying attention to the weather. According to Weatherbug, there is 50% risk of storms so guess it could happen. I closed my chair on the porch so it didn’t get blown if the wind was strong.

I took out a couple of burgers so I can have them for dinner tonight. Wish I had turkey bacon. That would be a colossal sandwich. I haven’t had lunch yet so maybe I will make my cheesy scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese. Too hot so I just made mac and cheese.

I had therapy. I didn’t fall asleep or was foggy brained, thank god. I told her what a clusterfuck of a week it was and she wants me to be proud of myself for getting shit done. She harped on this the whole session. Then when I changed mid to last few minutes of session, it was really hard to talk about what I needed to talk about. We talked about my mother’s abuse towards me. I told her I haven’t told my family about the top surgery. I let my friends on facebook know but not my family. They don’t need to know right now.

I made a burger for dinner and had half a beer with it. It was good. Now I am tired and all I want to do is sleep. Just been an emotionally exhausting day with very little sleep. I am in so much pain with my ankle because there are storms coming. I feel like I have no reason to live and just want to die. I’ve been cathing most of the day. Thing that sucks is the AC makes my hands cold so when I touch myself it is like BBBRRRRRRRR. Sucks.

Sunday Blog 17072022

I didn’t think I would write today as I woke up really late. It is 90 degrees today. Not my favorite type of day. I am hiding in my room with the AC blowing. I had a notification about the Sox being on. Sale was pitching for 2/3 of an inning and then was taken out due to injury of his pinky. Poor guy can’t catch a break. He just came off the IL and now has to go back on it. No idea if it is broken but if it is, it might require surgery and his season is done. UGH. I am not happy. Right now the Sox are behind by one run thanks to Jeter Downs. He hit is first MLB HR against Gerritt Cole, Yanks. I love it.

I am listening to Exile by Taylor Swift on repeat. It was the first song that came on when I hit shuffle on folklore. I love this song so much. Because I changed phones, I lost my track record on my MP3 app. I am trying to build it up again. I had over 200 repeats of One Number Away by Luke Combs. I feel bad I lost that record. I also lost the record for Love Story (TV) repeats. I will just have to listen again, which I do not mind as I love the song.

I brushed my teeth. My mother was up so asked her what her sugar was. She hadn’t checked it. It was ok. I made an iced coffee and when I went back to my room, I checked the score. I wish I didn’t. score is now 11-2 Skanks. They just scored 8 runs in the bottom of the 4^th. Game over. Ugh

I had bought chicken the other day and made it today. I didn’t season it as I was cooking it. I then let it cool for a bit then cut it up. I put it in a bowl and added Italian dressing. It was good. I wanted my ranch dressing but I couldn’t find the bottle. It is so damn hot in the kitchen despite a cool breeze. It isn’t that humid thank god but still. I cannot tolerate heat. Now I know why the suicide rates are highest in August.

I need to do my med boxes for the week. I haven’t done it yet. It only takes a few minutes but takes some concentration. I have a lot of meds and wish I didn’t. I got to send a message to the surgeon asking him about pain control. I know it is early but I rather know now.

I got a headache. I just want to go back to sleep. I don’t have a lot of appointments this week. Just therapy and psychopharm. I took out the pain group as I know I won’t be attending. I also see the dietitian this week. I was going to meet up with a friend but because of train times, I couldn’t commit to it. We both have complicated schedules as we have multiple medical appointments each month. Coordinating times to meet is hard but not difficult.

I am going to try and write some in my memoir this week about the difficulties in getting gender affirming surgery. It’s been on my mind a lot. Might be a blog post that will be a chapter if it is long enough. I have been having trouble writing more than 500 words sometimes.

I plan on trying to start reading Trauma and Recovery today. Just hope it doesn’t trigger me.

Saturday Blog 16072022

I had a difficult time trying to sleep last night. I didn’t end up going to bed till 0300 or later. I don’t remember exactly what I turned in. I was in a lot of pain and it kept me up some. I got up around 9 because I had to go to the Square to get my meds. I had my coffee and a little something to eat and then I went back up to my room to cool off. The kitchen was really hot and I was sweating.

I checked the time and there would be a bus in about an hour which is when I wanted to leave. I doomscrolled Twitter while I was passing the time. Then I got dressed and left the house. I waited fifteen minutes for the bus. I was hurting as my back had cramped up half way to the bus stop. No one was there and I was grateful I could sit down. There was some kind of event at the Square so the bus couldn’t drop us off at the station. We got off a couple of blocks before. It was ok to walk. I went to the pharmacy and got my meds. I also got a thank you card for the RN that helped me with my prior authorization all week. Then I went to Starbucks. I had to wait as they didn’t make my drink right. I have no idea what they made but it wasn’t a mocha.

I sat down at one of the tables and finished reading the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook. It felt good to finish two books this month. I plan on reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman next. I thought about reading Treating Suicidal Behaviors but I want to pause my suicidal readings right now. I caught the bus home. My foot had started to act up while I was at the bus stop. It didn’t stop and by the time I got home I was in agony. I had just enough brain cells to write a short review of the workbook (see previous blog post). I posted on Amazon, Goodreads, and my blog. I let the author know and she was thankful.

Then I tried to rest but pain kept me from actually sleeping. I just laid down while my leg flared up. I had already taken my pain meds. It has quieted down a little bit. I told my mother I couldn’t make dinner and I guess she didn’t feel like making it either because the chicken is still in the fridge. I will have to make it tomorrow or it will go bad. Think I will make if for lunch. I forgot to get lemon at the store. I had gone to the butcher shop to get some American cheese and burgers. I froze the burgers when I got home because last time I left them in the fridge they turned brown. I will just take what I want out of the freezer when I need them.

I am wicked tired. I did a lot of walking in the square as the event had closed down some streets. There were tents everywhere. One of the closed streets had a band playing. There was a lot of people without masks. I wore mine though. Sox won last night in the 11^th inning. I am glad they ended their losing streak. Pivetta is on the mound tonight. I hope he pitches well. I don’t think I am going to last till the 9^th inning like I did last night. I am just too tired and I am in pain.

Review Suicidal Thoughts Workbook

The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook is written by Kathryn Gordon, PhD, who is a therapist that does work with suicidal clients. This book was one of the best books I have ever read about suicide. It gives practical worksheets (some of which are downloadable from the book’s website) as well as a cheering on for making this far. Dr. Gordon uses perfect examples of how to answer the questions if you get stuck or have trouble answering them. There are no right or wrong answers and she encourages you throughout the book. I highly recommend this book for people who have suicidal thoughts, loved ones who have people with suicidal thoughts, as well as professionals that work with suicidal clients.