A tiring fucking day
I am wicked tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and only stayed up long enough to check my messages on my phone and then went back to bed. My morning med alarm went off. I shut it off and then went back to sleep. I missed PT because I didn’t get up. Then my bowels and bladder forced me up. Thank god my mother was done with the bathroom or I would have had a bowel accident. I would have made coffee or tea then but my mother was making her lunch and was using the space where the coffee maker was. I went back to bed for another couple of hours.
I got up around 2 and listened to my messages. My PT left a message as she was worried about me not showing up. I sent her a message saying that I overslept and that I was ok, just tired. I made some coffee and had some Belvita cookies. By the time I was done, it was time to log on the computer for the my zoom meeting with the group leader for the chronic pain group. The meeting went well and I can start next week. I am kind of nervous about it. It is a small group with about seven people give or take if they all show up.
Migraine just hit me so that is all for today.
I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
Sunday blog 06022022
I got up well after noon. I didn’t want to get up. I took my morning meds because I had to pee and then I went back to sleep. I woke up hungry so decided to get up. I had brushed my teeth earlier and was happy about it. I need to take a shower today. I did my med boxes for the week. I am experimenting with not taking senna this week and only taking Miralax.
I did some research on BMI and top surgery and found an article that says weight loss is not necessary for obese patients. I am going to take this to my appointment in April. It was written last year so I hope my surgeon is up to date. I feel relieved about this. I just got to worry about financing the surgery, should it come to that.
I need to take a shower today. I also would like to shave my beard, not clean off just trim it a little. I just need to find the energy for it. I am still tired. I don’t know why because I slept ok. I don’t remember waking up in the middle of the night. I did get up around 0130 to pee but I was able to get back to sleep.
My catheters were delivered today. I got to check to see if I owe a balance or not. My new insurance is tricky and has some weird copay system. Of course, they didn’t explain it in the benefits package they sent when you signed up for it. I just hope the surgeon takes it.
You must be logged in to post a comment.