listening to 1989 again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to 1989 again

I completely love the album 1989 by Taylor Swift. It is one of my top favorite albums. So I am listening to it all day until the game tonight.

I had therapy and my therapist wanted to discuss what went on last week. She said that it is looking like I have Treatment Resistant Depression as I have failed multiple trials of antidepressants. She said that I could try avenues of TMS or ECT. I have tried to get TMS for a while but my prescriber has always let the conversation die in the mist of discussion. But medication isn’t the answer for me. She is still wanting me to try groups and shit. We talked about stuff I could do with my time. She brought up writer groups and I thought about the writer’s group in Boston but they are way out of my price range. One class is like $400. So this isn’t an option for me.

I wanted to bring up trauma but I really didn’t want to get into it. We have danced around it for a while but we never have delved into it much. Trouble is I have so much trauma, I don’t know what to talk about first. Do I talk about the trauma with my mother, father, ex, medical profession, cousin, or just the vicarious trauma life throws at you? I also had a therapist that took advantage of me when I was a teen. She knew I had feelings for her so she thought she could use them and my insurance to drag out sessions. I read her notes and she said that I would do best with an insightful therapist as I had good insights. I also have a lot of therapists that left their scars with me when they left. Some of the therapists I still keep in touch with. Some have left and never seen again.

I ordered Chinese food because I am addicted to Kung Pao from Panda Express. They make it with zucchini and I love zucchini. It ought to clear my sinuses up. I have such a sinus headache right now from all the sneezing I have been doing today. What really sucked was when I was cathing I got a sneeze attack. Luckily urine didn’t go everywhere and the catheter stayed inside of me.  Fucking a man. I hate when that happens.

I have realized that Blank Space is my therapist’s song. “got a long list of ex lovers who will tell you I’m insane” is perfect for all the ex therapists I have had over the years. Omg who is she I get drunk on jealousy but you’ll come back every time you leave because darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. So it’s gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? The lyrics are just hitting me. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat for the past hour.

My food will be here soon. The driver had another drop off before mine so it is delayed. I hate when that happens. They say that it is cost effective but for who? I am the one waiting the extra time for my food.

I need to shave my head today. I might shower but it doesn’t look likely. I’ve gotten back in the habit of shaving. I love the bald feel of my head.

Sunday Blog 01082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sunday blog 01082021

I can’t believe it is August already. I will have my surgery in sixteen days. I can’t wait to have it because I have been having cramps the past few days and again I don’t know if they are bladder or uterine. My urge to pee has been great today so I haven’t cathed at all. It still hurts to go though. I thought a month of cathing would help and I was wrong. I am glad I haven’t got an infection. I have been careful. If I don’t get it on the first try, I will use another catheter. I have plenty so I don’t have to worry about running out. I just got my new supply order so I am set for the month.

I haven’t done anything today. I had my two cups of coffee and then my mother came into the kitchen to take her blood sugar and it was low. I gave her some juice and stayed with her as she made a sandwich. I told her not to take her insulin. She can skip a dose. After she ate and had juice her sugar went up to 105. I still told her not to take her insulin. It wasn’t high enough. For some reason her continuous glucose monitor and blood meter had different results, by forty points. She feels ok so that is the main thing. I’ll have her call her doctor tomorrow to find out why there is such discrepancy.

I have been sleeping with my new pillow and I haven’t been waking up in pain since using it. My neck still feels tight but it isn’t painful like it was. My back is aching. The weather has been cool so I don’t know why my back has been acting up. I should try the tennis ball to get the knots out.

I have another slow week appointment wise. I just have therapy and PT. I am going to try and go to Starbucks one of the days and hope I don’t get anxiety like I did before. It will be good to go out. Just hope I don’t have the sleepiness that I have been having lately. I have had to take a nap in the afternoon or early evening. It has been interfering with watching my games. Last night the Sox lost their third game in a row. I hope they will win tonight. Pivetta is on the mound and has been pretty good.

Saturday Blog 31072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 31072021

I’ve been in a blah mood all day. I woke up around 5 to pee and took a little bit to settle down and go back to sleep. I had put diclofenac gel on my shoulder and neck so it wasn’t bothering me. I just feel really ugly. Weather is nice and cool. It is beautiful out but I don’t care. I want to sleep but my foot is acting up.

I was able to shave and shower today. I felt a little better afterwards. My back was cramping but I let the hot water hit me and my neck so it settled down some. I had two cups of coffee today, one right after the other. I was hoping for a third but I don’t think I need it. I am feeling really tired today and don’t feel like doing anything. I have been reading Twitter. I posted some stuff on facebook but never got a response to it. I’ve been staying away from facebook lately because there is someone on there that pisses me off every time I post something. She tries to be supportive but it isn’t supportive. Just gaslighting if you ask me.

I was hoping I would wake up after the shower but it didn’t happen. Sox are playing an hour earlier tonight against the Rays. They lost last night. I didn’t really pay much attention to them as I went to bed early. I plan on doing the same tonight. I just feel really down. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. Guess the depression is having one of its days.

a nice day for being tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A nice day for being tired

Weather was beautiful out today and I was out for most of it. I went out this morning for PT. PT thought I have a tight muscle that is causing the pain but she did feel some swelling and didn’t know what that could be from. She encouraged me to keep my urgent care appointment. I made it for the afternoon as they didn’t have any morning available. I didn’t sleep well again last night so when I came home from PT I took some pain meds and tried to sleep. I failed as I was afraid I would blow off my appointment and stay in bed.

I had two cups of coffee and I was still tired. The urgent care place was running behind so I didn’t get seen till two hours after my appointment. My mother called me to tell me she made dinner. She thought I was home. She didn’t see me leave. I didn’t say goodbye either. I was in a mood. I didn’t fee like talking to anyone.

This morning I was so desperate for pain relief I put on some diclofenac gel. It worked and I was able to get about three straight hours of sleep. I am going to put some more on after this blog. I am hurting again with my neck. I am glad it is just muscle and not something more serious.

My PT and I talked about my being short of breath while doing stuff. She said my strength had come back but people with COVID have a hard time recovering their breath. It could be months. I notice it more when I am tired. A day like today left me pretty winded while walking home. I wasn’t even going up inclines or carrying anything heavy. In fact, I wasn’t carrying anything at all on the way home from urgent care. I left my little bag at home.

I did bicep curls with five pound weights. I liked the feel of it so I plan on buying the weight for home so I can try and work out. I would love to get my chest stronger but that might take some time doing, especially with my shoulder pain acting up. I’m glad the diclofenac gel helps the pain. I just got to be careful as my surgery is coming up and I can’t be using it or they will cancel my surgery. I can only use it for the next 8 days only and then I need to stop using it.