it takes everything in me just to get up each day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

today I am a total wreck. I am wicked emotional, riding a rollercoaster. One minute I am ok the next I am wicked sad the next I am wicked angry. I have to stay off of Twitter because it is bringing me down with the Covid cases and idiot people that won’t get a vaccine for preposterous reasons. I blame Fox news for most of the misinformation out there.

Yesterday my thigh seized up. I don’t know what I did or if it is a reaction to the testosterone shot I gave myself on Wed. I spoke to my PT about it and she thinks it is a tight quad. She told me what to do about it and I have been trying to do it but my groceries came and I aggravated it more by going up and down stairs. I am fucking hurting big time right now as the thigh is throbbing painfully. I have taken what I can to control this pain. I would love a nap but I hurt too much to lie down. I really just want to die right now because I can’t stand the fucking pain. Ankle is acting up too. Last night around 230 I woke up with my calf cramping on me. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I decided to color for a bit. It helped to get my mind off the pain as I waited for the meds to work. Unfortunately, I didn’t really succeed in sleeping after coloring because then I woke up to pee. I have been up since 530 as I gave up on sleep. I had my coffee around 0600. I also had a bowl of cereal. I had energy this morning but now I feel so spent. I also went to the post office and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My BT meds won’t be ready till Monday because they are short four pills. I could have them but then I would be short. I rather wait till Monday to pick up the full order because there is no way I am going to get another script for four pills. I have enough to carry me through so I am not too worried.

The walk took out my lower back. I was hurting big time. I am hoping my PT can work her magic on my lower back to ease it up or do some dry needling to get it to stop cramping on me. I will ask her on Tuesday when I see her again. She has been the best PT I have ever had, next to the other one I had before her. She was great, too.

I had therapy yesterday. It didn’t go so well. We talked about working on my trauma issues and she has some reservation about doing it because I am not that great with doing coping skills outside of therapy sessions. I admit that I am terrible at it mostly because I don’t know what to do half the time. It is easy to say do coping skills but there are so damn many how do you choose when you are at your breaking point? I got at the frustration point today because of pain and decided to write a blog. That has been always a go to for me but I have to be careful about writing about how suicidal I am feeling because I have had police show up at my door. I don’t know if what I wrote on the blog that day is what sent the police to my door as I wrote on multiple platforms that I was suicidal, any number of which could have had someone call the police on me. So I tend to keep the strong urges off social media.

I took an Ativan with my BT med and feel much calmer than I did before. Ativan has a way of righting the ship. I use it sparingly but I guess I should use it more often when I feel perturbed. My pain levels have gone down some so that is good. Game is on in a couple of hours. They have been on a losing streak as of late. I know we will be okay once something shifts but I don’t know what that is. Our pitching has suffered greatly since the stupid sticky ban. Don’t understand why you would enforce something midseason instead of at the start of the year. SO fucking stupid.

So because I can’t use my coping skills wisely, doing trauma work is kind of off the table right now. Plus with my surgery coming up it might be difficult to do the work. I have a feeling I might have to miss a session or two because I won’t be able to sit properly. It will be a good break for me.

a blah fricken day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Just a blah fricken day

I’ve been in a blah mood all day. I can’t seem to shake it. I had a good sleep. Taking the melatonin around 1900 and then taking my meds have been working out for me. I need to shave today but I don’t have the energy to do it. I wanted to cook chicken but I got my mother to do it. I emptied my recycle as tomorrow is trash day. I got a little bit of energy but it quickly went away soon as I caught my breath from the stairs. I just want to sleep. I had two cups of coffee today and it hasn’t done anything for my energy levels.

Today was T shot day so I took my shot. It hurt but so far hasn’t upset my thigh. I had to inject into my left thigh which is always a gamble on if I am going to get nerve pain. I didn’t even bleed so I saved a bandaid. I wanted to go out today but I just felt like shit. My arms are kind of sore from PT yesterday. My new weights were delivered yesterday and are still in the box. I will take them out tomorrow when I will workout for the first time. I am excited about it.

I wrote my therapist a message about wanting do to trauma work. I meet with her tomorrow and we’ll see what she says. I’ve been thinking a lot about all the shit I have been through. I think it is part of the reason why I have insomnia and bad/weird dreams.

I just had dinner and I feel so tired. I could go to sleep right now. I don’t know why I am so friggin tired. I hate feeling this way. It is a real struggle to keep my eyes open. Maybe I should have another cup of coffee. This is ridiculous.

drained

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Drained

I woke up around 430 this morning. According to my app that detects sleep, I was asleep for 5 hrs and 40 mins. I went pee and stayed up for a little bit. Around 6 I crashed and fell back to sleep. I woke up around 8 thinking I overslept for PT. I didn’t thank god. I had another cup of coffee and then made some quiche. It wasn’t as good as the BJ brand but it was ok.

At PT I did a machine for 8 minutes and then my PT massaged my shoulders and back. It felt so good. Then she had me do weights. I asked her what kind of stuff I can do with the 5 lbs weight as I bought two and she showed me some exercises. I am really excited about this because I really want to work on my upper body, safely.

After PT, I missed the bus home so took the bus to the Square to get Starbucks and a sandwich. I had a mocha with 4 shots espresso. It was so good. I forgot how good they were. It has been sometime since I had a mocha. I came home and tried to work on my blog but I was so tired. I took a nap. I didn’t wake up till my med alarm went off for my PM dose. I couldn’t really sleep anyway as my foot kept feeling like it was going to spasm on me so I kept moving it around to prevent it cramping. I had to go pee again and I just made it to the bathroom as my bowels exploded. That was unexpected. I did my business and then washed my hands really good as I was going to make dinner. I took some chicken out but I didn’t feel like cooking. My mother made a pasta dish so I was left on my own. I will make the chicken tomorrow.

I had a bowl of cereal. I wanted to make rice but I wanted some protein with it. I will make it tomorrow with the chicken. I feel so drained I just want to go back to sleep but my foot still feels off. I just took a Zanaflex to try and make it stop feeling the way it does.

Last night I took my night meds an hour later and the melatonin an hour earlier. I still didn’t sleep through the entire night but I got some good sleep. I am going to do the same thing tonight and see if that helps. I think I am going to be sore tomorrow as the weights were heavy as I was working with them. Plus going out afterwards wasn’t planned but I liked going to Starbucks. I wish I brought my bag with me.

Last night while cathing I had mucus come out of the tube and it shocked me. I never had this happen before so I asked a doctor friend of mine and she said it was ok as long as it doesn’t happen all the time. I am glad I didn’t have to call the urgent med line at my uro’s office because sometimes it is a long wait. I am glad it wasn’t a serious issue. I have been cathing all day and have had no problems. Grateful for that.