Tag: blizzard of 2015

Deeply Disturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicide, writing

Deeply disturbed

I woke up early this morning and found that a teen in my state “encouraged” another teen to take his life. She is now being charged with manslaughter because he didn’t want to go through with it but she egged him on. I am disgusted and disturbed by this. What is more disturbing is that the story is trending! That is what brought it to my attention. In a town I never heard of, this happened. And to think that someone had to die to make the news. It is very sad. And what really pisses me off is that when there are suicide prevention efforts being rolled out, they don’t trend at all. Like Facebook, for example. They just implemented a new way to find out about a person’s status and get them help, if need be. I don’t know how it works, as I have not seen it. I am sure it must be done through the reporting feature on the status. Too bad Twitter doesn’t have this feature. I also argued on Twitter to use the hashtag suicide when giving out hotline numbers and such because you never know who will see them. Often times, people will retweet a number, but not the hashtag, and I feel it gets lost in the system so to speak. I once trolled the hashtag and found that not one person was helping these people who were desperately conveying their suicidal thoughts. I tried to help one that looked very dire but got no response back. And this was within minutes of posting the tweet. Sometimes, people won’t respond to strangers and I get that but putting a hashtag and then saying you are going to do something to harm yourself is just playing with fire. I wish Twitter some day has the reporting system.

Then I get word that the Duck Dynasty star get an award for his anti-gay remarks he made. WTF is this world coming to?? That to me is the most disgusting award you can ever have. Yes, the guy has a right to his opinion about gays. I will give him that, but to receive an award?? Come on! It just boggles my fricken mind. I really can’t wrap my head around this one.

I started working on a new short story today. I must have written three sentences before my mind went blank. But I started and that is the important thing. Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Starbucks to finish it. I hope I can get it to at least three pages. I am handwriting it so I really need six pages. It will be a bitch to type up but maybe I can use Dragon so I don’t have to type. I feel bad that I bought this fricken software and have not used it much since I first got it. It is kind of difficult to use because it doesn’t give you a book guide, you have to search on the computer what you need to tell the program to do. And sometimes, especially when you want to correct something, like “delete this word”, it will type it rather than delete it! It can be frustrating to say the least. That is why I don’t use it often. They say it gets better with use, but when I get frustrated, my accent comes out and the words with “r”s get fucked up. There are no “R”s in Boston as I like to say.

My damn father called, twice today. The first time was to see if I was coming over. I knew my other sister was coming over so I said no. The second was to tell me he was feeling dizzy. I grew concerned because he has so many health issues. Then I found out he took a pain pill and that was the cause of the dizziness. Damn fool. If he told me that, I would have just told him to lie back down until it left him. Sometimes I get dizzy with my pain meds and I know the only thing to do is to lie down. Now tomorrow I have to make an appointment with his doctor because of the reason he took his pain medication. I am not happy right now. I got really pissed off because I was having fun in a chat room when he called. After the phone call, I couldn’t calm down so I left the chat. My fun was gone in an instant. The first time all week I got to socialize with people who understand what I go through and it was crushed.

I never made it to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really wanted to get Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I must not have really wanted them that bad because I didn’t leave the house. Actually, I had planned on it but I had an anxiety attack with chest pain this afternoon. I didn’t want to tax myself going out as I didn’t know if I was going to get that fatigue feeling again or not. I planned on staying safe before things go really bad. I hate when I have chest pain with anxiety. It was really awful. But I was breathing normally and I wasn’t having any symptoms of a heart attack. My pulse was normal, well normal as can be with anxiety. I forgot to take my BP meds this morning so I took them when I realized I forgot. I had these chest pains before and knew Ativan would take it away. If the med didn’t work, then I would be worried, which would just make my anxiety worse.

It is snowing again. We are expected to receive another 3-6 inches, a dusting really compared with what we have had. If it snows more than that, we will break the previous record of snow fall in a season. Right now the record stands at 107 inches. Currently our snow fall is 101 inches. My writing partner and I have a running joke of shipping snow to her to New Mexico. I told her I would gladly ship it to her, no cost. I don’t know if it will still be snow by the time it got to her. It might be water. There is a guy, also in my state, that is selling the stuff from his back yard at $119 (USD)/box. Guess that is one way to get rid of it. Otherwise, it might not melt till June or July!

Another Snowy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Another Snowy day

I am so sick of the snow. It snowed again today, though it didn’t appear to stick. But it threw off my plans of leaving the house. I might try tomorrow. I really want to get out of the house, to do something that makes me happy, like go to Starbucks. Being stuck in the house is no fun. I just got notification that the bus schedule for tomorrow is limited so I might be stuck another day inside. Just fucking great. I rely on public transportation to get me where I need to go and it really sucks right now. According to the GM, it will take approximately 30 days to get it up and running “normally” again. And our new governor is being a fink. Just blames the GM instead of asking what he can do to help the situation. That’s politics for you.

I had planned on just working on my game today but I woke up late, had lunch for breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I planted short crops (those that take only a few hours) but never harvested them. I guess I will just deal with it tomorrow. When I planted my black eyed peas, I didn’t yield enough of an item so need to request that again.

I really don’t know if I am depressed or what, any more. I have a low mood but then I always have a low mood. I am not really thinking about ending my life but I wouldn’t mind being dead. I have been very sleepy, irritable at times, and have no appetite for anything. Granted there is nothing to really eat in the house. I can’t go shopping until next week. I am going to have to make some sacrifices in order to put the order through. I need food and water. I don’t like our tap water, never did. It just doesn’t taste right. I have been sneaking my sister’s bottled water to my room. I actually need to get another two bottle tomorrow as mine are almost empty and I need to take my meds in the morning.

I got some paper with my book order. I plan on using it to wrap the books rather than buy mailers. Think is the brown paper is all wrinkled and such that I have to unravel it. It must be about 4 feet of paper that I need to deal with. I figure using it would be better than recycling it. And it gives me a mundane thing to do. Now if only I had that motivation to actually do it, I will be set.

I just took my meds and am already ready to go back to sleep. I can’t stand living like this. I would try and end my life but I am so afraid of failing or someone finding me in time that I just don’t even try. Yet I think of my friend who killed himself and I think, why can’t I do that? I have no therapy for the week. My therapist is on vacation. Still no word on my psychiatrist coming back. I hate feeling this way when she isn’t around. I would email her but it just seems to be a one way conversation. Frustrating as it is, I rather not write a long email and then have it “ignored”. So I wing it, on my own, again. And it gets really old.

how’s it going to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

How’s it gonna Be

Heard this song today and thought it was perfect for how I am feeling today. It just hit me.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. It was the first time that I watch a movie with Robin Williams since his death. It was hard watching the show. But I did watch it, beginning to end, because it is my favorite movie.

I finally got my printer setup. Turns out my virus software was the problem. I just uninstalled it because it expired. I really need to get it this month. It is going to be the first thing I purchase.

It snowed pretty heavily today. I didn’t go out, again. My front steps hadn’t been cleared yet by my brother in law. There is no school for the kids again for tomorrow. I haven’t gotten word from my therapist about her kid’s school system. And I haven’t gotten a message from my news station either. Last time, they didn’t send the message until about 2000. They just declared a state emergency so I don’t think I will be having therapy tomorrow. Fuck. I was so looking forward to it too.

So tomorrow will be another day of boredom. Least my Amazon package got delivered today. I got my calendar and pens. Now I can write in style! I got a lavender, turquoise, and black ink pens. I thought all were going to be black but the last time I bought the package, the ink was the color of the top. I have two turquoise colored pens that I adore. I miss buying pens. I no longer buy them at my pen shop because they don’t carry the kind that I like. I can only get them through Amazon because their prices are cheaper than Staples.

So I have writing to do tomorrow. I also have a new book that I bought, well it’s not really new. It is just a replacement copy of the one that I misplaced. I don’t consider things lost unless they leave my house. So I have that to read as well as the Civil War book that I am trying to finish sometime this year. I can’t wait to finish it so I can fucking review the shit out of it. 300 pages to get to the summer of 1862. 276 pages to get to the start of the war!! That is almost 600 pages!! And they don’t really distinguish the Union solders/generals from the Confederates! You have to look up the names to figure it out. OI this book is so annoying. But I have a rule, once you start a book, you need to finish it. So I am going to painstakingly do so. I have other books that I have bought that I haven’t read yet. I might start a new book after I read the “Suicidal Mind”.

I am going to have some printing fun. Though I am low on paper so I can’t go too crazy. Dammit, just as I suspected, my therapist school district just closed for tomorrow. I just got the text. Fuck. And there is a travel ban on so she can’t go to the office even if she wanted to.

Friend of mine in the UK called me today. It was great talking to her. She was telling me that the Mayor of London is visiting Boston. He got stuck on the Red Line today. I hope he wasn’t the passengers that had to be evacuated. What a poor time to visit Boston in the middle of the storm. He is now stuck here till at least Wednesday as all major trains and airports have shut down. I feel bad for him. But maybe he will like playing in the snow. I don’t know what kind of meetings he had planned. But they are all cancelled now. And with the State of Emergency going on, I doubt that he will be going anywhere any time soon. They had urged him to leave earlier, to go to New York, but he insisted on keeping his appointments. Oh well, hope he likes Boston and doesn’t think we are rude for keeping him.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

I took a nap before the game. I didn’t wake up till around the 3rd quarter but I watched it from the beginning to current play (I recorded the game). It was a difficult game. But the last touchdown that put the Pats on top was great! But with a few minutes left in the game, Seattle threatened to score. In comes the rookie and bam, interception. I was telling myself this guy who threw 4 interceptions last week didn’t throw one yet. His time was due and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was such a huge play. I am so happy my Pats won with literally the skin on their teeth.

Snow storm is coming in, again. I won’t be going to PT again. I have decided to call it quits. I don’t give a fuck. I just was able to calm down my foot. I am not going to do exercises to bring my pain levels back up. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And if this is what I have to do, then this is what I have to do.

My pdoc got back to me. She said that she is “healing slowly”. No other word. Dammit, I need to talk to her! I hate this email crap. Sure it is fine when it is someone from another State or country but this person is my doc. I shouldn’t have care that is solely based on email! It is very frustrating.

I woke up around 0300. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on Twitter and saw all the posts about the Pats win. My therapist isn’t going to be in the office today because of the snowstorm. School got canceled once again. I hope they don’t cancel tomorrow. I need to talk to her! Last week was the first time in a LONG time that we only talked once a week. I need my twice a week sessions. I haven’t been texting her that much. I have nothing to say. I am just worried about things and only she can quell the anxiety around it.

I canceled my PT therapy appointment. They called before I did, super fricken early. There would be no way I could go even if I wanted to. Shuttle bus is delayed and so are the MBTA buses. It is a fricken blizzard out there. I’m not going out. I checked on the delivery of my printer and that seems to be on hold as well. Damn weather! I want my printer now dammit! But at least it is in my the town I live in so I should *hope* tomorrow will be the first delivery it makes and I don’t have to wait till the end of the day!

My stuff from Amazon won’t be coming till the end of the week. I ordered a must needed calendar. It helps me keep track of time and days rather than always looking at my phone. I also got my Selsun Blue shampoo. It was cheaper than it would be at Walgreens, $6/bottle. Can’t beat that price when they go for at least 8-9 bucks. I got the one specifically for itchy scalp so I hope it helps me.

I am playing all four accounts to play my game on Facebook today. I wish I could say that I was bored but each account just needs about three things. I also have to remember where I planted the short crops (those that take a short time to harvest) as I am getting confused. I keep having to log back out and in again. Luckily for the three accounts the password is the same. My main account has a different password that I change frequently so I don’t get hacked. I am getting old missions done on these accounts but one account, I completed one and got four more! Yikes!! Luckily, they were easy. I still have to plant 60 pumpkins (short crop, 1 hr) and then harvest them for the mission. Might do that tomorrow.

If the streets are clear tomorrow, I might go into the Square and get my last, lone prescription. It is the last one that I desperately need. The other one can wait.

Think after switching back and forth through my accounts has tired me out. I really don’t remember what I am doing anymore, and for which account. Might take a break and then do some more later. I need to do some reading today, anyways.