Tag: Blogging

Sirens 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, mood disorders

Sirens 2

I have been listening to Pearl Jam’s “Sirens” for the past half hour. It seems to be fitting with my hyper brain. I am still hypo though I didn’t feel that way when I left the house this morning. I was pretty groggy, alert, but groggy. I thought since I slept most of the morning, the hypos were going away finally and I would be back to my “normal” self. I was wrong. By the time I reached my PCP’s office, I was flying high. They gave me some crappy paperwork to fill out and before I was done with it, they called me into his exam room.

The exam was normal. We talked about my stupid weight and he would like me to reduce my food intake by 5%. I think I can do that. For lunch/dinner I just had a half a sandwich. Other than the donut I had for breakfast, I haven’t eaten anything else today. He then asked what my orientation was because he was “dumb”. I told him, in confidence, that I was TG and I didn’t want it in my medical record until I was transitioning. Which I don’t know when it will be. I feel so hyper that I feel like I could do this today. I was really racy when I left his office. I knew I was hyper because I made him laugh at something and it took him some time to regain his composure. I have no idea what was so funny as whatever I said was forgotten shortly there after.

I emailed my pdoc about my experience and asked if I could take some trilafon. I took 4 mg after our exchange but I am still ramped up. My thoughts are going in fifty million directions. I don’t know how I am writing this blog as my mind is everywhere. He did say to me that if I crash and think about hurting myself, to call him before I do anything. We shook on it. I don’t know if that is a good thing as I would have shook his hand anyway. And besides I am so high right now that I don’t think I am ever coming down. I have never been this way before, not for too long. I just hope that I don’t spend all of my check tomorrow. Granted after all my bills are paid, I will have just $100 left. If I am able to keep it, it will be a miracle. I still have some money left from the payment, but it’s only like 15 bucks. I should have ordered a steak and cheese sub with fries instead of the roast beef BBQ sandwich. It was good but I couldn’t finish it all. Tomorrow I think I will order a pizza for my niece and I. I usually get her a pizza when I babysit her and need to feed her dinner. Or maybe we will have it for lunch. I don’t know. Depends on my mood.

I can’t believe I told my PCP I am transgender. But I felt like I could trust him. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes after I told him. I think he was expecting me to tell him I was gay. I signed up for the class for next Monday. There were still openings available. Now I just need to print out my essay that I will be editing. It is the Love/Hate blog that I wrote more than a month ago. I feel it is a good piece of work and have been submitting it to NY Times for the past month but still have not had any responses. It might be too short and that is why they haven’t gotten back to me. I don’t know if they are even getting my messages but I keep sending a message every day or every other day.

Another song I have been listening to is “Leave out the Rest” by Linkin Park. It is a song that I have dedicated to Edwin Shneidman, PhD. He was a psychologist in the suicidology field that I really look up to. Dr. Shneidman was the father of suicidology. I haven’t written about him since the early goings of my blog. I should maybe write something about his work while I am in the mist of this hypomania bullshit. It should keep me focused. I will post the lyrics to Sirens at the end of this blog. The music is so touching. If you want to see the video, check out my other blog “Sirens” or you can just YouTube it. Music is so powerful when I am this “high”. I can’t believe I took the trilafon and I still haven’t slowed down much. I even watched an episode of Rizzoli and Isles. It’s always fun to watch them. I adore these women so much. Maura is so the opposite of Jane. Both are smart in their respective fields. That is what makes the show so good. Did I mention they were hot, too?

“Sirens”
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens.

Hear the sirens,
Hear the circus so profound.
I hear the sirens
More and more in this here town

Let me catch my breath to breathe
And reach across the bed
Just to know we’re safe
I am a grateful man

The slightest bit of light
And I can see you clear
Oh, have to take your hand
And feel your breath for fear this someday will be over

I pull you close, so much to lose knowing that nothing lasts forever
I didn’t care before you were here.
I danced in laughter with the everafter
But all things change
Let this remain

Hear the sirens
Covering distance in the night.
The sound echoing closer.
Will they come for me next time?

For every choice, mistake I’ve made, it’s not my plan
To send you in the arms of another man
And if you choose to stay I’ll wait, I’ll understand

Oh, it’s a fragile thing
This life we lead
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulders

Want you to know that should I go
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away.

It’s a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder

Want you to know that should I go,
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away.

Ah-ah, oh-oh
Ah-ah, oh-oh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pA-_DND-tc here is the lyric video.

worries 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I think if I am not “better” by next week, it will be time to think about the hospital even if I don’t want to go. Things are getting too weird, even for me. My pdoc is worried as she wanted to set up an appointment for tomorrow but I will be babysitting the next few days so can’t see her. I told her about my weird psychosis that is happening, but didn’t give much detail because I was afraid should would tell me I need to be in the hospital. I don’t think the hospital will do anything for me except drug me up so that I am not so hyper.

I woke up this morning with a cramp in my foot so took an Ativan. My throat is a little scratchy, too. I hope it’s not anything to worry about. I hate sore throats. If I get sick, I don’t care, I won’t go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being on a fucking psych unit and being ill, physically. You can’t have cough drops whenever you want them because they have to be ordered by a doctor. It sucks. Been there a few times and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to be in my own bed, where I could take Nyquil whenever I wanted to.

I had a good sleep finally. If I dreamed, I don’t remember them. It’s another muggy day. I wish I didn’t have to go out but I have to see my PCP. I am not looking forward to it. I just wish he would say nothing about my weight. And maybe he will. I don’t know. It always makes me nervous. Maybe I will bring some Ativan and slip him one. LOL just kidding. It’s going to be a longer appointment because it’s my stupid physical. I hate physicals. I think they are just a waste of time.

Checked my bank account and looks like the payment went through that I was hoping for. I am so relieved. I just placed my grocery and allergy meds order. Now I don’t have to worry about food for a month. I did shave off some of the stuff so it’s not quite as expensive and just got what I really need. I still ordered my steak. I will have it delivered tomorrow morning. I hope it does get delivered before my therapy appointment. I will be watching the munchkin but she is 10 years old and can be left alone for a little while so I can put my groceries away, and have pie.

I might add on ground beef so I can make manwich. But sometimes they don’t have the buns, which is weird because I order the stop and shop kind, not the name brand. Hopefully that was a one time thing. I haven’t made manwich in months. I am the only one that likes it so will eat it for a week. I am a true carnivore.

I really hope my mood settles down this week. I don’t think I can take another week of feeling on top of the world. It’s nice but I am waiting for the shoe to drop as I know it’s not going to last. It will suck if I get a deep depression after feeling good for two weeks. Just hope the psychosis bit stays away.

And the hypos continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

And the Hypos Continue

Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.

I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.

Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.

I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.

I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.

baseball, pie, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I was all over the place this afternoon. I decided to listen to the ball game but I got the munchies so decided to make some popcorn. As I was making it, I watched it on TV until the 8th inning as I couldn’t stand the heat and mugginess of the living room anymore. They were winning by two runs so I thought they would win the game. BPD chat was going on at the time of the 7th inning so I was multitasking. I retreated to my room so I could be on my laptop as my phone was dying anyways. I still kept up with the fluid intake. By the time chat ended around 5, the closing pitcher blew the game!! I couldn’t believe he allowed four fucking runs to score! I was bullshit. I really wanted to win this game and take the series away from KC but it wasn’t going to happen, not with our shitty bullpen. I am so disappointed right now. I already watched a damn blooper when they had two errors on the same play. And they came back to make it 6-4, which I thought would be the final score. NOPE. NOT happening. Damn you Taz. Hope he gets DFA’d.

When I listened to the rest of the bottom half of the 9th inning, one of the announcers was on that I can’t stand. I am glad I watched half the game. I don’t know what happened to my buddy Dave. He was there in the first few innings that I was listening. He and Joe make a good duo. Not the other guy, Lou. Lou I can’t stand. His analysis of the game or the pitch or whatever is so over done it’s not funny. And you aren’t watching the game so you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Just annoys me.

I read some of Harry Potter to keep my mind occupied before the game. I really don’t but do like this book. It is emotional for me for some reason. I can’t stand when people cry and if people in the book that I like start crying, I will too. I am a sucker for other people’s sadness. So I was laughing and crying in the chapters I was reading. Good thing I read alone or my family members would really question my sanity.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my earlier blog. I didn’t think I would have two blogs today but I got in the writing mood. I still need to email NYT again. I guess I will keep emailing them the same message until I get a response, if I ever get a response. I don’t subscribe to their column and wish I did. It would be nice to read other stories to see if someone publishes something similar to my story. Then I could stop emailing them. I didn’t think of this till now. I am kind of sow to these things. I filled my pill box for the week. Only pill I didn’t put in was the blasted hormone pill. I have to stop it so I can get my menses so this discharge fucking stops. I am so annoyed it is not funny. Every three months I got to take a break. It used to be five months now it’s three. I hate it, I really do. I think that is why I have been so out of things this past week. I have to go over my grocery list because I have close to $200 worth of stuff and I have no idea if it’s junk food or real food. I seemed to just click on something when I had a craving for a certain food. I know I ordered rice and steak and a couple of half pies. Those I will keep. The rest will have to go. I haven’t had pie in a very long time. My work used to make some excellent pies but for some reason their fruit pies started to suck as the crust became watery. It was gross. So their pumpkin or squash pie was the only thing that stayed good. I ordered a blueberry pie, which I know my mother will like. I also ordered pumpkin because I haven’t had it in over a year. I didn’t make it last Thanksgiving and for Christmas, my brother in law turned the pie into soup. I have no idea how the hell that happened but I wasn’t touching it. I made pumpkin pie once but forgot the sugar so it was terrible. I thought the evaporated milk would be enough and didn’t realize the mistake until after I cooked it. I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes soon as the weather cools down and isn’t so damn muggy.