Tag: cauda equina syndrome

writing and dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache

I typed up a few pages of the short story I am working on. It’s basically an autobiographical story of my struggle with psychosis. I still have two pages to type but can’t find the motivation to do it. I keep staring at the notepad but nothing is coming. I am just staring at the words, wondering if they are the right ones and am doubting myself.

My therapist had some suggestions on trying to get me back to better sleep health. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it today. I wasn’t tired come three o’clock but got really zonked around five. I still am fighting the urge to just go under the covers and take a rest. Only problem with that is that I will be seriously disrupting my sleep cycle, again.

I told her I am having trouble taking my meds. I don’t want to take them because I don’t think they are effective anymore. I am just so depressed, I just can’t see the point. I also told her I really want to be writing my suicide notes and letters. She almost started flipping out. I never heard her so restrained before. We were actually “talking” about this stuff rather than dusting it under the rug, like it didn’t exist. I really liked talking about this stuff. It gave me some perspective about the pros and cons of actually doing it. We didn’t discuss that, but I was thinking about it as I talked about the need to write. I told her I had written a goodbye letter to Jobes. It was basically saying yes your work helped me but it didn’t save me. I never sent the email/letter. I told her that I can’t be saved. It is my destiny to kill myself, I am very convinced of this. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I think about it so much that I don’t think I have any kind of future or anything. The weird part, is that I don’t feel hopeless. She did the cubic model of suicide on me. I was kind of shocked that she remembered. I am no where near suicidal range at this time. I am not actively planning my death, nor have I picked a date. I just want to self-combust so I won’t have to. But I don’t think that is likely.

I just feel really depressed. My therapist also read my blog that I wrote last night. She said that it was very coherent and eloquent. It is funny because it took me several times to get back to writing it. I would start writing and then find the need to check Twitter or Facebook. It took me almost an hour to write. And I was mostly writing how fucking sucky I was feeling, which was hard because I really couldn’t put to words what I was feeling. It was a very difficult blog to write.

Foot/ankle are behaving for now. Last night I was in misery. It literally felt like a battle between the two as to which part was going to hurt more and then my big toe settled it by buzzing up a storm. I hate when my toe buzzes. It is so unsettling. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I really wanted to OD on Neurontin. It was that bad. But I didn’t take any because after an hour, my toe settled down. Foot and ankle were still at it but not in the same intensity. I have been using my pain meds sparingly. I don’t know why this is. I guess I want to feel something and my ankle/foot is giving me something to feel other than depression. Maybe it is a form of self-punishment, I don’t know. I do know that the pain is tolerable to my warped mind. It gives me something to focus on rather than my stupid, stinking depression. I spoke too soon. Just moved my ankle and it has exploded. Just like that it can become a 10, easy. Now I am really going to get sleepy with my pain meds on board. I don’t think I am going to make it to eight. I guess I will be taking my night meds early and calling it a night.

My father called saying that his meds are almost out. I told him I will come over sometime tomorrow. I don’t mind because it gets me out of the house. I rather do it tomorrow than Saturday. I like to have the weekend to do nothing. I am trying to go out during the week, like I did today, so that I can rest on the weekend. I don’t know how likely that is going to happen, but we’ll see.

Psychache Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychache

I wanted to go out today but it didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep good last night and I was really tired. Plus a friend was coming over the house and I wanted to clean up a little bit. Another reason I didn’t want to go out is that my damn bowels were unpredictable today. I kept on getting cramps but nothing would happen. Nothing, not even a fart. And the cramps were bad. Pissed me off that I was held hostage in the house because of this. I couldn’t risk going out and have my bowels act up on me. I wouldn’t be able to hold it due to my nerve injury.

I had therapy today. My therapist wants me to write when I feel the “fuck its” come on and/or use the crisis response plan. I don’t know why she wants me to use the response plan. I am not in crisis when the fuck its hit. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to stop taking my meds. And just hide from the world and think about death. I really wanted to die last night. I don’t know why as I was having a relatively good day. But sometime after 1800, my mood went from being okay to being suicidal, just like that. I was listening to Taylor Swift so it wasn’t her music that was causing me to be depressed. Her music does the opposite. It was like the bottom fell out and I was back in the black hole of depression. It was so bad, I was paralyzed with my thoughts. I couldn’t even call out on Twitter or any social media platform. All I could say was that I was a shitty writer and that even though I sold three books the first of the month, I couldn’t feel any joy. Then I tried to think how many books I have sold and couldn’t remember how to run a report to figure it out. When I finally did, it turns out I am well below my goal of 100 books. I will need to sell 50 books between now and April 10th. I don’t think that is likely. I have decided to keep an excel file from now on.

I am back in the abyss of depression. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have no motivation to finish typing my story. I keep looking at my bag that has the notebook in it. But I have yet to get up and get it, even though it is only a few feet away. I just keep procrastinating. I am glad I don’t have a deadline or anything. I would so be in trouble if I did. The pain in my chest is back, but it’s not the same kind that I felt the other day. This pain is constant and is psychache. It is making everything difficult. I can barely breathe at times. It just takes the wind right out of me. It drains me of energy. It makes me think of death and self-destruction. Lately, I have been wanting to write suicide notes and letters. I haven’t done it because I fear that if I do, I will end up killing myself. I still have to have someone I trust take care of my social media accounts, mostly just Facebook and Twitter. I don’t care about Google+, Linkin, or the others I have signed up for.

My thoughts are once again dark. I thought I was getting better. I don’t understand what happened. But these feelings always come back, harsher and more terrible as I get older. I often wonder if I am being undertreated for my condition but I know my psychiatrist has done the best she can for me, pharmacologically and supportive. She has always been the rock I depend on. I also know that I wouldn’t be here if my therapist wasn’t so damn stubborn. I just have treatment resistant depression. The only thing that has not been tried is ECT and TMS. I won’t have ECT because I am too afraid of the memory loss. If anything, I value my memory more than my life and without it, I might as well just be dead. TMS I don’t know why I haven’t been given this option. It is just magnetic stimulation and has had good results in some people. Course, I have been out of the research domain for a few years so I don’t know much more about it. I know they perform it at the hospital I was in as an outpatient.

I just feel really crummy, like my heart is falling out of my chest. The pain that I feel is tolerable right now. It’s nothing that I have not been through before. It is when it becomes intolerable I really am in danger. But my moods have been fluctuating lately. One moment they are deep, dark and then the next they are out of control and all I can think about is death to relieve myself of the misery I am feeling. Thinking about death has always been a solace for me. It is the constant reminder that I have the option of ending my life whenever I choose.

fatigue day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!

tired, tired, and still tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Tired, tired, and still tired

I woke up early this morning, in pain. It was the first time in a while that I woke up with my ankle hurting me. It was about 0700 so I just took some pain medicine, answered an email, and then went back to sleep. I slept till the unheard of 1300! I couldn’t believe that I slept that late! I almost never do, not without waking up several times. I had breakfast/lunch. Then my mother told me my sister was making dinner. I had a couple of hours to play on my laptop before it was ready.

I had a quarter glass of wine with dinner. Now I am sleepy again. It wasn’t the best wine I have had but it did its job. I have been really wanting a glass of my sister’s Mark West wine but a bottle wasn’t open. I really like this wine. Maybe I will have it on another day.

I did nothing today except play my game. Ankle is still acting up on me so I really don’t want to tax it. Plus, I have been up and down the stairs a lot today so I know I am going to be in pain later tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to meet up with my father. I hope it isn’t going to be freezing cold. And the T runs like it is supposed to. We didn’t get too much snow last night, which was good. I think the storms are behind us but you never know.

I really am feeling dizzy from the wine and want to go back to sleep. But last night I did that and it wrecked havoc on my sleep. Even though I was able to sleep till 0700 before my pain shot up, I had about 6 hours of sleep. That is usually my normal. I guess my pain meds just added a few more hours when I went back to sleep. I would take another pain pill now but I am not sure that is a good idea with the wine I had. Maybe in an hour or so.

When I came into my sister’s apartment, my mother and her were talking about me. All I heard my sister say was “maybe she is in a depression”. They abruptly stopped their conversation when I got closer. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? If I did tell them I was depressed, they would ask why, like there is a reason for it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t.

Well, looks like the Twitter feed is going to be all about the Oscars tonight. I won’t have to worry about commanding tweets, least not for tonight. I won’t be watching as I don’t watch awards shows. Only award shows I will watch will be country music. But lately, I haven’t even been watching that. I had saved them when Taylor was winning and then when the awards became Miranda Lambert awards, I stopped watching. I would watch the performances but as for the awards, I would just fast forward them. I can’t stand Miranda. She is such a bitch. I’ve hated her since Blake Shelton married her. What he sees in her, I will never know. I don’t even find her attractive.

I am going to try and wrap one more book today. Then maybe read a little bit. I don’t know if it will be Jamison or the civil war book. I just hope I can stay awake long enough to just take my meds and then go to sleep. I am just so damn tired.