Tag: chronic physical pain

New Phone and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Phone and Other Things

I finally got my new phone. I am going to cringe when I get my first bill. They told me it will be $40 more than what I am paying but I didn’t see that in my contract so we’ll see. I am very tired as I walked a long way to get the phone because I didn’t have a car to get me there. I did alright but I am sure going to be sore tomorrow. I placed the phone in the otterbox. Now I can’t get it out! The buttons don’t match up with the phone. UGH. I am going to have to take it to the store and see if they can fit it right because I don’t want to bend or break my phone! Just opening the box was a tricky thing!

I still am getting grief because I refuse to change my FB profile pic. My cousin just told me to “be happy”. FUCK YOU. Depression is what I have. I can’t be happy even if I wanted to. I rather be content but I don’t even get that at times. I am so tired of fighting this depression all the time and then having to deal with stigma, because that is what it is. If I was having a physical illness, they wouldn’t tell me to buck up or be happy. It just sucks. I really am angry at my cousin for saying that but then she is a bitch, so I have to try and take it with a grain of salt. I shut off the FB browser that I had open. I am sick of FB. I miss my game so badly and I think that is what is contributing to my depression. Sure, I play poker now and then, but I lose 20 hands to every 3 I win. It’s not fun losing.

Still rainy today, and much colder. They said the temp was going to drop over the next few days. I hope it downpours tonight so the baseball game is canceled. But since I have been out, no rain at all. It is going to be painful to watch them play if the game stays on. It just started raining! YAY!!

I have therapy today. I asked for an extra session, which is probably going to bite me in the ass but my mood sucks so it is justified. Might write another blog about it if I am up to it. I am really tired so who knows. I am planning on taking my meds early tonight. The walk that I took to the Sprint store was WAY out of my league but I did it. I am proud that I was able to do it. I just wish I could do it every day. I would love to sit at Station Landing Starbucks rather than Davis. But getting to Davis is easier than Sta. Landing. Maybe when I get up to my walking distance, I will start going there to get my walking in. It has to be at least a mile walk to the Landing. It will be good exercise for me. According to the walking tracker I have, I did almost an hour walking. I probably won’t be able to do that two days in a row, but I think I can manage now that the weather is nicer. That is if I can convince myself to leave my room every day or every other day. It will have to depend on my pain levels. Everything depends on my pain levels.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!

Saturday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up last night after sleeping after dinner. It was around 2230 and then I stayed up till 0300. I tried transferring music from my phone to my external 64GB card but it kept giving me errors. I finally finished the transfer. Took five tries, but I got it done. I just hope it works when I play it on my new phone. I also transferred all my pics on my current phone to the card.

I had my groceries delivered today. Luckily, everything I ordered was in stock. Last time, my hamburger buns weren’t in. I am craving a weird sandwich. Just with hamburger bun, cheddar cheese, and pickles. I had hamburgers last night and a steak for lunch so I am good with meat right now. Guess I just want a meatless sandwich. I also got my S’Mores cookies. They are really good but they are sweet. And the package is smaller than a regular Oreo package. Kind of disappointing.

I have been feeling kind of depressed the past day or so. I pulled a chest muscle while moving the powerade to another room in my house. I always seem to pull this chest muscle whenever I lift anything heavy. It sucks. Doesn’t help my mood. Course, according to the experts, people with depression are more likely to die from heart attack or stroke. Just what I always remember when my chest hurts. I am not having any other symptoms of a heart attack, like shortness of breath, pain down my arm, or sweating or feeling nauseous. My ankle hurts, a lot, today because I have been doing the stairs more. Seems every time I get up to my room, I realize I forgot something or have to go to the bathroom. It is so frustrating. I don’t know why my bladder can’t tell me I need to go when I am on the lower level. It has to wait until I am comfy in my bed to let me know it has to go.

I didn’t have coffee today. I had a plan to make it but after I had the steak, I really didn’t want it anymore. So I am tired. But that could be the pain meds talking. I had to take one to get my ankle pain under control. I might have to take another pill as one just doesn’t seem to be doing it.

I can’t wait to listen to the Sox game tonight. I missed it yesterday because I slept. I caught the 8th inning and they were losing 5-4. Final score was 7-4 so I didn’t miss much. Bullpen came apart from what I gather. I am so sick of losing but it’s something to do while doing nothing.

Apart from the groceries being delivered and tangling with my computer to make files transfer, I haven’t done anything today. I have been meaning to read Dostoevsky but I just don’t have the brain power. I really just want to nap until game time. I ordered a self help book in my last order from Amazon. I really can’t wait to read it.

I haven’t thought about my writing activity from my therapist in the last few days. I think I am going to just write it up on paper and then type it up so I can “blog” it. She gave me the perimeters on what to write. I don’t like them but I will try and do it anyway. I will probably start sometime tonight, after the game.

Random 284

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up early this morning, around 0630. I did a few errands, including grocery shopping. I needed some more powerade and it was on sale this week. After that, I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast and coffee. They just came out with a NEW Brazil coffee and oh my god, is it good! It’s like drinking chocolate milk! I love it. I bought a bag of the old Brazil because I didn’t want to run out. My summer coffee will the new Brazil, iced! I am so happy I have a coffee that I like again.

I did some writing but then I got really sleepy. Taking pain medication before leaving the house will do that. So I went to the meat market and got some burgers for dinner tonight. I really wanted to buy cod but it was way too expensive. I bought it a few weeks ago when it was only around eight dollars. Now it was between thirteen and fourteen dollars! My mother would have killed me if I bought it. So I didn’t.

On the way to the Square, my father’s doctor’s office called with his lab results. Not good. He has to stop taking his medication for a few days and then go back to taking it on Sunday. UGH. My little plan of doing nothing didn’t work. I hope they call the lab that goes to his apartment so I don’t have to take him to the lab like I did yesterday.

I was in a foul mood when I came home. Everything was annoying me. The hamper that I need to clean out was bugging me and overwhelming me. My foot hurt really bad, the bad one, not the one I banged up. I was tired. I felt like I could cry. I didn’t cry but I just took an Ativan and went to sleep. Then the text messages and phone calls kept coming in. For crying out loud!! My sister called saying there was no power at the school and would I be available to pick up my niece should they cancel school. I said I would. She said she would text me if I needed to pick her up. And wouldn’t you know, everyone and their mother decided to text me after that point. It was all my Twitter stuff. I get text messages from the people I follow and they were tweeting up a storm. Fucking figures. Then I was getting retweets and favorites for the tweets that I sent out. I get text messages for those as well. I should have just shut the phone off but my luck, my sister would have texted me and I would have missed it. I fell asleep after the mayhem, for an hour or two. I still am tired but I think that is because I haven’t had lunch yet. I just had the rest of a vegan chocolate chip cookie that was left over from last night’s dinner. It was good but it wasn’t enough to fill me up. I will be eating dinner with my mother soon, which is why I was hoping the cookie would stave off the hunger for a little while.

My sister was telling me a story last night. They are building a new condo place down the street from me. The construction people are having difficulty because it’s all slate rock. Now there has been talk of blasting the place so they can dig deeper to build an underground garage. That is crazy. How can they blow up something in a residential neighborhood?? I really don’t want to hear the explosions. I will protest it. I am the one that has to hear the noise because I don’t work and am home more than half the time. I remember when I was working at the hospital, the people across the street did the same thing. They blasted their way to get to do what they need to do. The noise was awful. And I am sure it was no good for the patients. This went on for several days. I hated it. It sounded like a war zone or something. I really hope it doesn’t happen in my neighborhood. It will really suck.

My mother will be cooking! YAY! I hate cooking. I don’t mind the actual cooking part, I just HATE the clean up part.

I just got a retweet on my blog that I wrote last night. It was about my suicidal self being expressed. Apparently, I just need to find god and he will “save me”. I also need to take my responsibilities seriously. Whatever.