Tag: chronic physical pain

An Impatient Toddler and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I really should take a nap. I had a difficult morning. The bus to the Square was late and I didn’t get my coffee like I wanted to. Then I had to deal with a toddler (father), who is impatient. All he did was complain and make assumptions that weren’t true. I just had excuses why I was “late”. I was in fact on time as the appointment wasn’t till 10:15 and I got there around 10. It wasn’t my fault the bus didn’t come when it was supposed to and it certainly wasn’t my fault the damn train was going slow as molasses the whole fucking way through the tunnels. I actually think molasses would have been traveling faster than this train. I was waiting for it to stop completely and really be delayed. I was already annoyed. I haven’t had my coffee, I was running a little late (which I hate), and the damn check in took forever. They had three people and two kept being on the phone. Then one guy cut me off, which really pissed me off. Once everything was said and done, my father was given his contrast drink and he drank it like it was going out of style. Way too fast. Then he started the second and started to feel sick. He wanted me to throw it away. I said no so he got up and threw it away! That was the last straw. If he didn’t care about his damn scans then so fucking be it. Neither am I. I don’t give a fuck. I am so aggravated. I need an Ativan to calm down. My foot is killing me because the bus ride home was fucking late and they had traffic so I stopped at a stop farther away from my house. One of the side streets had a fire hydrant going and guess who stepped in a puddle deeper than I thought it was?? This guy! My foot was soaked. I really had this day. Oh and did I mention I only had about four fucking hours of sleep??

I had the writing bug last night and didn’t go to sleep until 0300. I then woke up around 7. I was glad I wrote what I did. It really helped me. I didn’t get feedback on it like I was hoping but then that is the nature of the beast. Sometimes I do, and other times, I don’t. I sent it to my therapist. I thought about sending it to my psychiatrist but I am seeing her on Friday and can fill her in. I already told her that we cannot talk about baseball, at all. It is too upsetting for me. We won the first two games of the series with MN and then lost the 3rd game. The guy was throwing strikes so he should have been burned severely, but no one was swinging the bat. It was so frustrating. I also need to remember that I need refills on my meds! That is the most important thing.

I am really hungry, even though I just had lunch an hour ago. I don’t know what I am going to make now. Maybe some rice with peas and carrots. I took out hamburger for tomorrow. I will enjoy that for dinner. I am such a carnivore.

Writing Bug and Suicidal Risk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide

Writing bug and Suicide Risk

I have the insatiable need to write. I thought about journaling but I don’t feel like entering my thoughts in a private journal. What I have to say is too important. It is about my suicidal feelings. I am torn, really torn, about what to do with them. I am in no danger tonight. But I picked a date and that date is slowly approaching. I have been trying not to think about it but it’s in the back of my head. I keep thinking/telling myself I don’t have to go through with this. That I can make it through. A friend of mine would be crushed without my help. And would be devastated with my loss. I can’t help but feel trapped. Like I can’t take my life because people need me to be here and I don’t want to be here any more. It’s a struggle I have been dealing with for years. I am tired of fighting this. I just want to give in to my thoughts, to not exist anymore. It’s painful to breathe. I am tired of the heaviness on my chest and the accompanying chest pains that magically appear and disappear on their own. Sometimes an Ativan is needed to get rid of these pains. I know it’s my anxiety when the pain goes away and the heaviness lessens.

Right now I feel like I am a burden to myself. I almost told my therapist today that I don’t want to meet twice a week anymore. I know she wouldn’t approve. She knows I have a date but I have not given it to her. I just can’t because I know she will try and stop me. It’s not like she is going to be okay with me dying by suicide. No therapist will. Then I have the agony of sending a copy of my book to a former therapist. If I send it now and she tries to get in touch with me after I die, I know the book was written in vain. Some writer I am. I write how much this process has helped me, how CAMS has helped me and then I kill myself? Good going. It just doesn’t make sense. I am afraid. I am afraid of getting older and I don’t want to live because I never wanted to be an adult. But my support system kept on telling me I was worth it and I believed them. So I am still here today.

I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. It is written in the statistics of suicide research. I fit every model. I am high risk because I have attempted multiple times, I have an abuse history, I am transgender, and I am hopelessly depressed. All these factors are not good in assessing suicide risk. The only thing I have not done is give away my most prized possessions. Though I really don’t have any. I have my suicide library that I value dearly but it hasn’t helped me deal with my suicide thoughts. I have not been cured of them and as one person in my life has said, I never will. I will always have these thoughts of ending my life. But do I have to act on them? Should I just let them fester until they boil over? I don’t know. Right now I am calm. I am just going through the motions of life as if I were living without thinking of taking my life. No one knows except my therapist and psychiatrist. (And now the blogosphere.) I really want to end my life yet I still want something from it. What I want, I don’t know what that is. I would love to complete my degree but I don’t have the money for it. I don’t even know if the stress of school will activate my paranoia and psychosis again. I do want to write another book. But I have no ideas. They are few and far between. Then I think I should go back to the hospital where I will be safe and possibly be able to think of something to write. But why bother with that if I just want to end my life in a month and a half or so. I am so torn. Ambivalence is such a bitch. And it’s not like you can do a pro/con thing when contemplating ending your life. Every time I do it, I seem to have more pros than cons. There are reasons why I want to end my life. I don’t want to be in chronic physical pain anymore. I don’t want to have psychache. I don’t want to live because I just can’t tolerate my self hate. I can’t tolerate being a woman when my brain keeps telling me I am a man. And the only reason I have not gone through with transition is because my mother won’t accept me as a man. So I rather die as her daughter than her son. I have nothing else to live for. I am only alive to keep my therapist and family happy. They know my suffering. I guess they rather see me suffer than to be dead. I have been fighting this depression for a really long time. I have been suicidal since I was eight. I first attempted when I was ten. That was thirty years ago. I think that is a long time to suffer from a depression that defies treatment. No pill alleviates my suffering and I have been on many. I am just a hopeless case.

I thought about sending this to my therapist but I am not going to. It is written by me and not my alter, Hyde. I am very tired but I am not in pain, least not physically. My brain just wouldn’t shut off until I wrote this stuff out. Now I am feeling sleepy and I think I can call it a night. These suicidal thoughts that come out are my midnight demons. They come out after midnight and I am truly in their grip. My heart is heavy and there is nothing I can take to make it light. My world is dark and gray. It has been like this for a very long time.

TG Issues 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Had therapy today. She wasn’t as talkative today as she was yesterday. We talked about the self help book that I bought about shame and perfectionism. She asked if it had to do with trauma and I said I don’t know, I just started reading it! It is very dense so it is going to take me a while to read. Dense books I have to read in spurts or my brain gets fuzzy. We also talked about the letter that I wrote her but I had already sealed it up for mailing so couldn’t get her specifics. I know most of it is about my cousin and what he did to me. Still sickens me every time I think about it and makes me feel ashamed of myself, so maybe this new book might help with that. I also told her I found a former therapist’s address online. I only looked her up to send her my book. I think she will be proud that I wrote a book, even though the content is a little disturbing. But she is in the book so I hope she will understand.

I had sent my therapist a pic of my stupid goatee, which I will be trimming tonight when I take a shower. It’s grown past its tolerable length. She likes it on me. I like it too, but think it’s stupid because I have a space in between. A real man would just have it continuous. She said testosterone would fill it in. I am thinking about taking testosterone supplements. I might run it past my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I didn’t tell my therapist these thoughts because she is not a doctor. I figure I might bypass the whole having to go to a doctor for T. With my pituitary problem, it should be that hard to produce more T, which is why I can grow a goatee to begin with. We also talked a little about Jenner. There is no way you cannot talk about her as she is in the news big time! What angers me is that people are saying she is “heroic”. There is nothing “heroic” about coming out as TG. It’s a hard process. It is courageous and brave, especially to go public like she has, but not “heroic”. It’s like Chaz, Cher’s son. He came out and was in the lime light for a while and then went back to being under the radar. Same will happen with Jenner, eventually.

I wish I could come out like Jenner. I am envious, but then she has the money to do the changes and I don’t. I don’t even know if it is covered under my insurance. Course, I have to go forward to find out. The biggest thing for me is to get rid of my damn breasts. I hate looking at them, I hate the way they feel on me, and I hate that they are asymmetrical. It just really makes me hate myself because it only reinforces what I am not, just like my menses.

I went off on my mother today for the first time ever. She wanted me to do the dishes but I wanted to write. She then called me lazy. I don’t know what the hell the big deal was. It wasn’t like the sink was overflowing with dishes. Just pissed me off and I said that it hurt me to be called lazy. She then asked, You aren’t lazy? in her sarcastic voice. I got wicked angry. Now she is calling me because dinner is ready. I swear she doesn’t take my writing seriously. Course, with my book published, I really haven’t made that much money, which is all she really cares about. I really hate living with an unsupportive parent but I have no choice. I can’t live on my own because it just costs too much and I can’t work like I used to because I am disabled. It just really sucks.

Random 710

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My therapist was wicked talkative today. I don’t know what got into her. She just was very inquisitive today. It made the session go by fast. We talked about a situation I am in with a certain person. I don’t know how to handle it. My therapist prefers that I don’t but I fear the longer I don’t have contact with this person, the worse it will be. I had to laugh because she kept on saying stuff that indicated stigma. I wanted to bring it out to her so I might give her the blog with what she was saying. She also was asking when will I be mailing her the letter I wrote and I blanked out on her. I totally forgot about the abuse letter I wrote the other night. I might work on it tonight and then mail it out tomorrow. That will be next week’s topic.

I figured out why the Otterbox didn’t fit my phone. It’s the wrong one and because I have had it so long, I can’t return it. So I am trying to sell it. If anyone needs an Otterbox for an S5 ACTIVE phone, let me know. I really should read when I buy things. Now I don’t have a case for my phone. I am tempted to use the box until I sell it but it is such a pain getting the phone in and out of the case! I am not going out today but might tomorrow. I will have to use it to protect it. I finally transferred my ringtones to my phone. My therapist’s ring is now the old one instead of the generic one I had. The sad part is that I don’t have my Star Trek tones in the folder. I am going to have to download the app again to get it. It annoys my mother when the communicator beep goes off for my text messages.

It’s a really damp and cold day out. You would think June would be warm but it’s fucking cold! I like it but it makes me sleepy and want to go back under the covers to get warm. Like predicted, I am sore as all hell from the 2 mile walk I took yesterday. My back, hip, and calves are hurting me. I have been resting most of the day, except to go down to the cold kitchen to make something to eat. My kitchen doesn’t have good installation so it gets really cold in cold weather. You might as well be outside.

I had a bowel attack while I was having therapy today. It was not fun. I don’t understand why, as I had already gone like an hour or two before. I think even though I have seen my therapist for years, I still get nervous talking to her and that brings about a bowel attack. Luckily, I didn’t lose it. I don’t know how, probably because the stools were hard. That has been my saving grace. Got to love CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. NOT.

I’m still in a depression so have decided to stay off of FB as much as possible. I left a status saying that I will be on Twitter if anyone cares. Some of my friends are on Twitter so I know they will talk to me if they need me. I am just tired of the idiotic postings on FB. Especially of the poor dog that had tape around his muzzle. That really disgusted me. I had to remove the post. I don’t understand why people have to post things like that. There are very few things that get me but posting a sick baby with tubes all over him/her is one of the creepiest pics. Okay, we get your kid is sick. No need to post it to the internet, because I will just gloss over it and keep scrolling. Or report if for gross content. There were some porn covers from books that I had to report to remove them. You wants to see a couple having sex on the cover is just gross. I will not buy that book. Not like I am into that thing anyway. I am too much of a nerd to be interested in that kind of erotica. Speaking of books, I just realized, I haven’t gotten my latest shipment. I gave away my last book so needed more so I could send it to my former therapist.

Today would have been my parents 43rd wedding anniversary. They have been divorced for at least 20 years. I don’t know why it still bothers me but it does. I understand that it had to happen. It is one of the main reasons why I started going to therapy. Tomorrow is my favorite Uncle’s birthday. He would have been 101. I miss him very much.