Tag: chronic physical pain

Third Blog of the Day: Suicidal Ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Okay, so this is my third blog of the day. I just feel the need to write as my brain is overloaded with this heatwave.

I love my new haircut but my mother doesn’t. My father didn’t see it today. I didn’t remove my baseball cap so he could comment on it. He was wondering why I didn’t shave my goatie I have going on. I usually trim it when I see him but I am tired of trimming it.

My brother in law put in my AC so my room is more tolerable now than it was earlier this afternoon. I am wicked tired. I should be sleeping but I feel like I should write. I got too much stuff on my mind. Like why am I not a boy. Why do I have to have female breasts. I feel like such a loser.

My therapist doesn’t know the week I plan on killing myself. I won’t be telling her. I have everything planned out, sort of. Only question is timing of it. I still need to give my psychiatrist her goodbye letter that I wrote a month ago. That is important to me. She needs to know what I have written. I think I will mail it the day I will die. Course, I am still ambivalent and might not go ahead with my plans. I still have not found a cyber person to take care of my social media accounts when I die. But then, I don’t think too many people pay attention to what I write so it might not be a big deal, especially on Twitter. I really don’t see too many people responding, but I could be wrong. I won’t know because I will be gone.

I wish I could say what my reasons are for killing myself. Pain is one. Being transgender is another. Living in a female’s body sucks. In June, I have to go for a pap smear because it’s been ten years since my last one. But I am wondering if it will be worth it at all seeing as I will be dead a few weeks after I am gone. It’s almost like, why bother? I go through the motions as if I want to live so no one has a clue I want to die. It’s not like it is written on my forehead.

Another reason I don’t want to live anymore is because I am tired of living a life I just don’t want to live. I am tired of breathing. I am tired of just being. I am tired of my life being such a struggle every day and no one noticing. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am never going to be a stellar writer. Hell, I can’t even sell 100 copies of my book. I can’t even give them away for free. That is how bad my book title is, perhaps. I am not looking for awards but a simple appreciation can go a long way. I am going to give the book away to the two people that have influenced the book the most. Then I am going to kill myself. I am such a loser. I keep thinking that this is wrong, that I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to go through with it. But I can’t help thinking that suicide is the answer for me. It will solve the pain piece. I won’t be in pain anymore. I can go to my death bed as a female like how every one sees me. My psychiatrist still sees me a female, not as a male. But then I have known her since I was a kid. I don’t blame her. How do you make that kind of transition? Even my eye doctor is the same way. It’s all confusing and rather than sort out the confusion, I rather die. I should maybe write a goodbye letter to my eye doctor. I have known him for more than twenty years. But how do I even begin to write something like that? He is a good guy. We have hung out together for a little bit, coffee and movies. I have even made him dinner a few times.

Then I think about my family and how devastated they will be when I am gone. It kills me. Some days I care and others I try not to. Knowing that I will be a source of their pain is not a fun thing to know. I try not to think about it because it always puts a stop gap measure in my planning. I love my sisters and my nieces and nephew. I know that this will hurt them beyond all measure. But I know they will get over my death with time. It is the one thing that I think keeps the suicidal demons going is knowing this. I don’t care how my aunts will react to my death. I worry that my mother will die of a broken heart. But then it will be her “daughter” and not her “son”. She wouldn’t have to deal with me becoming a man. And I think that is better for her.

Burning up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve done my errands for the day. Now I can take my pain meds for my ankle. I don’t have to drive anymore. Today is National Burger Day so I am thinking of ordering my favorite burger from my pizza place. It has avocados in it and I love it. But the rest of the Chinese food that I had for lunch really filled me up and the heat is making me sick. I don’t know if I could eat anything right now. Maybe later. It’s close to 90 degrees in my room. I have to bring that temp down if I am going to be comfortable. I feel like I am burning up.

I was talking with a fellow blogger today. We get a long really well. I hope the situation she is in gets better. She suffers from depression, like I do and it’s interfering with her getting well, or at least doing stuff around the house. I just want to tell her to leave it, so it doesn’t stress her out but I understand how things can pile up and then become unmanageable. I did some cleaning around my room today, which made me feel good. If the recycle bin wasn’t already overflowing, I would throw out what I have collected. It’s just old water and powerade bottles that have missed the basket. I didn’t realize I was such a bad shot until I moved stuff around so my brother in law can install the AC. Good thing I don’t play professional basketball! I’d stink like yesterday’s garbage.

Meeting with my father was interesting. He was in an aggravating mood. Damn guy just wouldn’t keep his hands to himself. Kept fake punching me or moving his papers so I couldn’t see my phone. God, he is so fucking annoying. But he needed to have his blood drawn today. I probably will get results hopefully tomorrow. I hope they are normal. Last time they were high. Before that, it was low. I give up. I just do what they tell me and then relay it in child speak to my father. 83 going on 5. Bastard is probably going to live to be 100. And why not, he has me doing all his medical stuff for him to keep him alive. I bring him to the best doctors (aside from his PCP, who is a jerk). But to him, I am just his secretary. Next week starts his other stuff that I won’t be too happy about. Every Thursday in June there is a medical appointment for him. God help me.

I really am feeling low and sick. Heat is not my friend. Since my nerve injury, I have grown intolerant to high temperatures. I hope this doesn’t mean I am stuck in my house until the heat wave is over, once the AC is in. I will venture out for my mocha. I think it’s going to be cooler next week. I hope so anyways. It’s not even June yet and it’s humid and yucky out. So shoot me if I am the first person to complain about the heat. Least there is a cool breeze now and then. I have my window open to try and air out my room and get the air circulating. I am really miserable.

I called my therapist today and asked her to answer my text about the abuse and whether I should write about it to her. She still hasn’t answered me. I hope she got the text. Both our phones have been acting up lately. My phone is having trouble answering phone calls. I ordered a new phone today. I will get my glasses next month. I need a lifeline and it is my phone. If I can’t get phone calls, what the hell is the purpose of the device? Today I was trying to call my father and the damn launcher crashed. I couldn’t do anything until it went through it’s shut down phase. Then things were alright again. It just kills me that this is happening just three years after my last upgrade. I guess the phone is only as good as the OS (operating system). I know they came out with a newer Android OS. It is on the newer phones. My cousin has the S5, which is what I will be getting. I can’t wait to use it. But it won’t come until possibly sometime over the weekend of next week. I had to order it because they didn’t have the phone in stock. It was kind of a hassle because they wanted me to “lease” the phone and I didn’t want that option. I wanted a 2yr agreement. Turns out I saved a dollar by ordering it in the store rather than online. Too funny. I complained about the customer service being not too friendly with my request. I hope that I have everything the same as I do. I know that I will be paying a little more each month with the new upgrade, but to me it’s worth it. It’s my phone and I can do what I want with it. I just hope I can do what I want with it, like putting music on it and such. The phone is going to have a 64GB external SD card so I can load my pics and music. I should probably do that tonight so I don’t have to do anything when the phone comes in. Just plug in and hope it all works!

Therapist just got back to me. I have some writing to do that is not going to pleasant. Writing about past abuse rarely is pleasant. I won’t go into graphic details because that could be triggering. And I am already a little post, PTSD with my foot. Because I couldn’t move my toes the other day, it set me off big time. My anxiety was through the roof. I just am now back to my “normal” level of heightened awareness. Plus, bruising my last toe pretty good really got me freaked out. I think I will wait a few days. I don’t have to have this done till at least Tuesday. That should give me time to think about what I want to write and stuff. I just hope it is helpful to me. I also know that I don’t have to do this. My Ativan supply is limited until I get a refill next week so I really have to think about what I want to write. Ativan is the only med that helps with my PTSD symptoms, which is mostly anxiety and overthinking. I used to really be on guard every time my foot swelled up and I couldn’t move my toes. I would think that I was getting CES again but I would have no other symptoms such as numbness, pain in the legs/back, loss of bowel/bladder, etc. But I would just go nuts and flip out. The Ativan has helped me so much that I don’t flip out as often anymore. I don’t take it all the time, just when I need it. The funny thing is, it really is just my brain on fire when the symptoms of PTSD occur. I really have to ground myself with distraction, or talking with the voices (mostly because my agitation level is up) or I have to take pain meds to quiet the pain flare. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but when it does, I am a wreck. I have to continually tell myself it isn’t going to happen. It’s hard because the brain wants you to go crazy and you are fighting yourself with not going crazy. I hope this makes sense.

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day.

I was walking, slowly, to put my coffee down on the counter and as I was walking, I spilled the damn thing. It went onto my sock, the floor, everywhere. I am pissed. I blame my mother, who was cooking bacon for this fiasco. If she wasn’t in the kitchen, I probably would have not spilled a drop. Great way to start off the day. Could have been much worse. My sister nearly ran over a runner that came out of no where as we were trying to make a turn down the street. Thankfully she is ok and not hurt.

I have to deal with my fricken father today. I need to take him for blood work. He was supposed to see his doc today but they messed up the schedule when I rescheduled his appointment. Dumbfuckers. Did I mention how much I hate his office? His doctor is a jerk and I really dislike him more than his office staff. So now I have three hours before I have to see my father, who I also dislike. He just annoys me to no end.

I have to get my brother in law to put in the AC in my room today. There is no way I can survive another day in this humid hell. I will sleep in my sister’s car if that is what it takes to get my AC in my room. And this is only the beginning of summer. I bought swim trunks this morning. I hope they will motivate me to go to the public pool when it opens the end of June. I just hope they fit.

I have been up since 0500. But I slept good, so I can’t really complain. I got about 6.5 hours, which is like a record for me. I probably won’t sleep tonight because I was up early. I don’t know why I made coffee. I could have gone to Starbucks and avoided my coffee spill fiasco. Course, I think of this now. UGH. I guess I just wanted my own coffee, in my own mug, made the way I like. I made the Breakfast Blend today. I am trying to save my Brazil Nova Resende coffee as much as possible because it’s the last of the batch. When I went to Starbucks yesterday, they only had two bags. I should have grabbed one but didn’t think of it. Course I think of it now. D’OH. I might need a Starbucks run later as I have been up so early. I have the car so I can go whenever I want. I might go to Wendy’s for their spicy chicken sandwich. I don’t want the ghost pepper sauce. I am not a hot freak. I like things mild to medium. And I definitely would not like the jalapenos on it. Man, who would eat all that hotness!?

I started writing last night in my journal about the abuse but didn’t get anywhere. I think I am going to write a letter to my therapist about it. I can then print it out and then mail it to her. Which reminds me, I have several things to mail this week! I hope to get it done later today. Depends on how crazy my father gets me. My toes is still hurting me, though it isn’t as bad. The swelling has gone down but it’s still sore. I am glad my new sneakers are nice and comfy, unlike my old pair that is tight and beat up. I think they were a size too small, which made my feet hurt after a few hours. I love the new pair. If I had the money, I would get another the same model but in black. Maybe next month. I still need to get my glasses. I think that is tomorrow’s adventure. I would have done it yesterday but I forgot the glasses I want the new lenses in. I hope they are big enough to have progressive lenses and I don’t have to get a new frame. That will suck!

I am still feeling hot and yucky in my room. I hate the fricken heat. And I know it’s just the beginning of what is to come. Doesn’t help my mood any better. I really want to go to a town called Rockport this year. Only problem is that the place I want to go to is 1.3 miles from the commuter rail station. I can’t walk that far. It will hurt me. I could take a cab but I don’t know if I will be able to get one near the station. And I don’t want to be waiting around all day for one. I figure I have two hours of sight seeing before the next train goes back to Boston. There is a place called the Bulfinch House that was built by my favorite Boston architech, Charles Bulfinch. He is the one that built Mass General Hospital way back in 1811. I love his use of columns and domes. I really would love to see what this bed and breakfast place looks like. But, like I said, it is too far for me to walk and the drive would annoy me. It’s pretty far from where I live.

Another place I really want to go this summer is the Harbor Islands, specifically, George’s Island. There is nothing to do there but I love this island. It is where there is a fort, Fort Warren, which was built around the time of the Civil War. I explored it numerous times in my younger days, which is why I love it so much now. But even a cruise around the harbor would be exciting. I have never visited the other Islands in the harbor. I could do that. But we’ll see.

Ankle Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I love Grubhub. I just ordered dinner, as a treat to myself because I have been in pain the past few days. I have been hardly eating because it’s painful to go down the stairs. While I was downstairs washing what is left of my hair (had a haircut today), I stubbed my last toe on my good foot. It’s pretty swollen but I don’t think I broke it. I put ice immediately on it. I now have the ice pack on my bad ankle as it’s swollen too. I did too much today. I went to my doctor’s office and they screwed up my prescription for my blood pressure medication. I was supposed to get a hard copy and instead they sent it to the mail in pharmacy. I didn’t want that because it costs too much. The retail pharmacy where I filled it at was just $1.72! For a month’s supply. Last month I paid $10! I don’t get it. It is made by the same manufacturer but I don’t care. I saved big time. But while I was waiting, I had to stand for a good twenty minutes, which just aggravated my poor ankle. I came home to my foot and ankle swollen. So I am glad I have the ice on it now. I hope it will ease some of the pain, too.

I really wanted to get pad Thai and spring rolls from my favorite Thai restaurant in Boston but I didn’t want to wait around. I was already hurting and I forgot to call before I got my haircut. I love my haircut. It is a military crew cut. My mother is going to flip but I don’t care. If she says anything about being a boy, I will tell her I am one! I am tired of being the one getting hurt by the comments. She always has to snicker in these snide remarks and makes me feel like an asshole. I am not giving in to her snide remarks this time.

My day went fairly well, despite being held up by an incompetent medical assistant that can’t read. My psychiatrist had to cancel the appointment this morning so that went well for me as I didn’t have to rush around. I don’t see her till next week. I am tempted to give her an update but something keeps holding me back. I don’t know why, I have given her updates before our appointment so she knows ahead where my head is. I think it’s because I am afraid she might tell me to go to the emergency room for the pain I have been experiencing and I don’t want to do that. There is nothing they can do for me, other than to rule out a clot or something. I know I don’t have anything broken. Hell, my foot isn’t even red, despite being swollen. My little toe on my right foot hurts more than my regular pain right now. That is the toe I stubbed in the kitchen. It got snagged on one of the kitchen chairs. And it hurts big time. But with the ice, the swelling has gone down a little bit so I don’t think I broke it.

Therapy went smooth. I didn’t talk most of the session. I did bring up the abuse that has been running through my head the last few days. I just have difficulty talking about it because she keeps telling me it’s not my fault when I know that it is. If I had “listened” to my mother, I wouldn’t have been abused. It’s a long story that I don’t wish to publicize on this blog. Time ran out conveniently when we were arguing about this. She wants me to write it in my journal and I may just do that. I just wish some people on Twitter would have the decency to censor what they tweet about childhood sexual abuse. Just mentioning, triggered back memories I was happy not remembering.

It is so damn hot in my room. I need the AC in by tomorrow. This is getting ridiculous!! If I didn’t hurt my foot, I would have my brother in law install it tonight. But I can’t move the stuff I need to because I can’t stand. UGH, another night in a sweltering room. Even my sheets are hot, like they just came out of the dryer or something. I so wanted to take a shower tonight but between pain in both of my feet, that is kind of impossible. I just want to fucking scream. Sox better win tonight or I really will be an unhappy camper. They lost last night, 2-1. Buchholz got no run support, again. Story of the season, I tell ya! It sucks!!!