Tag: chronic physical pain

Therapy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Tuesday

I had therapy today, like I do every Tuesday. It started off with talking about my father’s appointment woes. I thought I had an appointment with his PCP this Thursday but apparently the incompetent staff forgot to put it in their calendar/scheduling. So there is no appointment this week. I am so pissed. Their next time that I can do is fucking June 30th. I have to wait another month to see this asshole. I hate this office so much. If I was still at my job, I would have found him someone at MGH so fast or at least put him on a waiting list for one. This is just ridiculous. So we discussed this in therapy for the first fifteen minutes. I was aggravated and needed to vent.

We then talked about my pain and other issues. I wanted to bring up some abuse issues but it was getting close to end of session and I don’t know where I will be tomorrow in the beginning of our session as I will be traveling home, I hope, if the bus gods agree with me. I have to finagle the bagel a little bit tomorrow. I want to get my haircut tomorrow before my psychiatrist’s appointment. My therapist inquired about what is on the agenda for tomorrow with her. I have no idea. I need a few refills and I need to pick up my prescriptions at my primary care office. I have such a busy morning tomorrow. I just hope that I fucking sleep well and not wake up at fricken 0400 like I did today. I won’t go back to sleep if I do because I will just be groggy and won’t remember all that I have to do. I should have just canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow. That would so make my life easier.

Then we talked about what I am working on with my writing. UGH, I hate this question more than being asked what my psychache is. It is because I usually don’t have anything that I am working on. This time I sort of am. I am writing a review on a research article. I am trying to make it interesting but now I am getting to the guts of the paper, like stats and stuff, that is important in a review. After I typed it all up, my brain spazzed and I lost interest. Then my perfectionism mixed in and I thought the paper was junk (what I was writing, not the article). I’m going to have to do this review in spurts when my brain isn’t so jumbled.

The last part of our conversation was about my friend that attempted suicide twice since I last talked with her. I feel really bad that she didn’t try to get in touch with me before she did it. I feel so helpless. But she did what she did and there is nothing I can do about it now but give her support as best I can.

My country radio station has an idiot DJ between 2-7. I really dislike him. He talks too much yet tries to be cool but fails miserably at it. I miss Steve Kelly and Keith Stephens. They were the evening crew and they were awesome at what they did. I was hoping I could get used to this jerk but I just can’t. I love the music so I just try and block him out while he talks.

I am feeling really depressed, which wasn’t discussed today. Sometimes I have a hard time telling my therapist this. It’s like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to worry her more than what she is worrying. She did lose all my texts that I sent her. To make up for it, I have been texting her stupid shit, just quick updates on how I am doing and such.

It’s really hot in my room and I can’t stand it. And this is going to continue the rest of the week. I so want my AC in my room in the window but my foot is killing me. Just trying to move my toes is painful and it’s setting off panic attacks for me. It is the one thing that triggers PTSD for me. I feel like paging my psychiatrist but I am seeing her tomorrow. Most she will tell me is to take an Ativan. Heat is not helping me because it is annoying me, even though I have the ceiling fan on full blast. It is just moving the hot air in my room. I think I am going to cry. I am just so frustrated and I can’t go down the stairs to get anything. Hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I don’t think I can make the stairs. I just took a pain pill, though I don’t remember taking it. I could take another one in an hour or so. If I feel sleepy, so be it. Yesterday I had to take two pain pills and fell asleep around 1730. I woke up around 2130 to take my meds and then I stayed up till at least 0030. I remember writing in my journal around midnight and then feeling sleepy after a page or two of writing. Despite going to sleep so late, I still woke up at 0400. I hate waking up this early. I had coffee when I got up. I needed it. I should have waited until my mother left the house so I didn’t have to talk to anyone but I didn’t. Hate people trying to talk to me before I had my coffee. I don’t care what you have to say until I had at least a half cup of coffee in me. You would think my mother would know this by now but she is oblivious. To her, I am just grumpy and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. GGRRRR. So annoying!!

Rotten Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rotten Monday

I have been having a bad day. I was able to take a shower, which aggravated my ankle/leg. I thought it was okay until I started watching TV for a little bit. My leg does not like to be down while sitting. I decided to make some potatoes for a potato salad and that further aggravated my pain. Now I am listening to the game on the radio as I can’t sit and watch TV. I am annoyed because they have Rob Bradford in for Dave O’brien. I don’t like Rob too much. He just sounds like he is full of himself all the time.

My mood sucks right now because my boys are losing, big time, thank to Joe Kelly. I really dislike Kelly. His last few starts have sucked. I thought he would make it to the 3rd inning but he barely made it to the 2nd when the Twins exploded on him. They got six runs off him. So disappointing. And what is funny, like ha ha funny, is that he, Kelly, thought he would win the Cy Young Award this year. That is a joke. His ERA has to be in the 700s. Well, maybe not. I just checked and his ERA is 5.13, still pretty bad. You don’t get the Cy Young award with an ERA of 5 and a losing record.

I didn’t sleep too well, again. I woke up around 0530 and then went back to sleep around 7ish after I made some pancakes. I have been craving pancakes every time I see tweets from IHOP. I love their pancakes. I have yet to make them fluffy. I don’t know how to make them fluffy. I mostly make them flat. They were still yummy. I have to get more Buttermilk mix and regular syrup. My mother bought a lite cheapo brand and it is kind of gross, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

I have been playing poker the past few days but for every hand I win, I lose 20. It’s terrible. I have tried playing Farmville again and that is a mind numbing game. You just plant and plant, then harvest and harvest. Not much challenge but it keeps me busy, when I need a distraction. I really miss my Pioneer Trail. I was hoping that there would be a Pioneer Trail 2 but I heard that Zynga laid off the programmers. So I am stuck playing Farmville and poker. I have tried playing the game that other players have gone to, Household, but it just doesn’t appeal to me.

My mood has been very irritable because I haven’t been sleeping and in pain. My mother has been cleaning out the front porch so our living room is a disaster area. It has been pissing me off because I can’t watch TV as there are stuff in the way. I really wanted to watch some Bones episodes but because of the stuff, I can’t. I am really annoyed. I am depressed because I just can’t get out of the house because of pain. I was lucky to get a shower in today but now I am paying for it. I just can’t win. My thoughts haven’t gone to the suicide caliber, yet. I still am thinking about the date I have set aside for my death date. I am waxing and waning on going through with it. I hate ambivalence. It really keeps you here. It is just annoying me because if I didn’t have the ambivalence, I probably would just go ahead with my plans.

Another Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Another Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

I participated in the weekly BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, chat on Twitter. This week’s topic was about social media. I gave a few thoughts and shared my friend’s blog. She has BPD and writes about the struggles quite frequently. I will also be participating tonight on the SPSM chat later this evening. I just hope that I will be up.

My boys won today, 6-1. I am very happy they did. We needed a win and now fall within 2.5 games of the Rays, who are currently in first place. I am glad it was a day game today. I don’t know if I could handle a night game and then a chat. Or chat while the game was going on. I don’t particularly like SPSM because I feel it doesn’t validate my statements most of the time and I get talked down to a lot. I know it’s probably not the case but it feels that way.

I plan on making pancakes for supper. I just don’t know what kind to make. I am leaning toward oatmeal because I do love them more than buttermilk or original. The last time I made them, they came out kind of sucky so I am going to play with the ingredients a little bit to make them better. I only once made them perfect and that was a while ago.

Sometime in the last few hours, I re-read the article I am writing a review on. I wanted to get back to it but I have been lazy today. My brain just isn’t there. I didn’t sleep too well again last night as I went to bed around 0230. It seems if I am up past 2300, I get hyper and have a hard time falling asleep. I get my second wind, so to speak.

My mother needed a box for the cleaning that she is doing. I was happy to oblige and gave her two that were in my room. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the clothes that are in its place. I am slowly making my way to the closet but I am just not there yet. It is a struggle and maybe before the chat and after I had some food, I will be able to clean a little more or at least go through some of the stuff that is there. It’s so hard for me to make decisions on what to do with the stuff that I just get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep telling myself just one thing but sometimes, that one thing leads to another that leads to another that leads to another. Then you have several things and you start feeling overwhelmed by it all and just say fuck it. At this point it will become my summer project. If I can clean out that part of my room, I can then hang my jeans and clothes that can be hung and not be on the floor or on top of boxes.

I still have my menses, much to my disappointment. I thought it was going away as I had less stuff coming out of me but my last trip to the bathroom proved me wrong. I hate it so much and was so looking forward to wearing boxers. Now I just want to take a shower and do nothing. I am so disgruntled. And what kills me is that I have no one to really talk about it with. I have my therapist, but I don’t talk with her till Tuesday and by then it will most likely be gone. It just kills me that I have to put up with this every few months. I know I should be grateful it isn’t every month but I am a man and shouldn’t have to put up with it period (no pun intended). It just kills my ego and how I view myself. It’s like it takes a little part of me every time it comes around. It definitely makes the suicidal part of me grow. I really rather be dead than to deal with this shit. And the trouble is no one understands. They just think that I have to endure it because I am a “woman” and that is what women do. God, it hurts me so much. No matter how much I try to be a man, I just can never be enough of one.

I am sad to report that one of my friends just told me she tried to attempt suicide twice in as many weeks. That makes three attempts, maybe four, since I have known her. I really don’t know what to do. She is having a hard time getting services where she lives. And I just feel helpless. We used to talk every day and now it’s spotty. She feels like she is a burden to me and no matter how many times I have told her otherwise, it hasn’t clicked in her brain. It is just upsetting to me that she uses my illness as a way of not reaching out for help. I know I am just one person, and she obviously has the right not to seek my help, but to tell me she attempted after the fact just strikes me as painful. I want to help her, I really do, but I can’t if she doesn’t talk to me. I haven’t responded to her message and I don’t think I am going to, least not right away. I need to regroup and think about this and how to approach her.

Saturday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21

I didn’t go to sleep until 0430 in the morning. I thought I was going to pull an all nighter, and I partly did. I just couldn’t sleep to save my life. I started journaling around 2ish, thinking that would settle me down but it didn’t. I was already drugged up so I didn’t want to take more stuff because I knew that wouldn’t be good. I think that if I didn’t fall asleep, I would have taken some more Ativan. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up every three hours or so. I didn’t wake up but I did manage to go back to sleep after being woken up. I would basically look at the time and then go back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1130, feeling somewhat rested. I had some breakfast, well, lunch really. Then I went to Walgreens to get my cookies. Except they didn’t have my cookies. I was so sad. They had every other type of Oreo but the one I was looking for. So I decided to get some mailers and a coke. I needed to mail out some stuff for a friend that would not fit in an envelope. I also needed to mail out one of my books for a “winner”. I had put out on Twitter that if you responded by direct messaging me with your address, you would get my book for free. Trouble is, the person I wanted to respond, didn’t. So I will be sending this person my book next week. I have to get a different mailer because the one I bought was too small. Who knew that a 6×9 mailer was too small for a 6×9 book! Pissed me off, I tell ya.

I started the review that I was thinking of writing. I got half a page done before I lost interest and didn’t know what else to say. I am going to have to read the article to get more ideas, and try not to put stuff that isn’t in the article in the review. I was writing and had the inspiration to add stuff about another article but stopped myself.

My boys are winning at the moment. It’s good because they have lost their last string of games. Last night was just terrible. 12-5 loss. I stopped listening to the game when the score was 11-2. It took 39 minutes for the Angels to score 9 runs. It was so pitiful and painful. I just tuned in and the Angels have changed three pitchers. I hate pitching changes because they take so long to get ready and pitch to the batter.

Sleep is really affecting my mood, well, lack thereof. I am getting really short tempered and my mood is so bad that I don’t want to do anything. It was good that I left the house today to go to Walgreens as I felt up to it. I don’t think I would have left the house otherwise. I have been spending so much time in my room doing nothing. I have been really bored and I keep looking at the mound of shit I have in front of my closet. I keep thinking of doing something about it but I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep trying to tell myself to do one thing, like remove a box or sweatshirt. If I keep doing at least one thing a day, maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. But I don’t. I just keep staring at the mess and that is all I do.

My mood has taken a hit with the sleep loss. I feel more depressed than I usually do. It fortunately, has not affected my reading as I have been reading my Dostoevsky book. It is the one thing that is giving me pleasure at the moment. But it is hard to read at times because the author writes about nothing and then hits you with a left curveball. Last night I was reading stuff about cannibalism, something I never thought I would read. They were discussing it at Myshkin’s birthday party, which is an odd conversation considering the topic. The author just brought it up casually, talking about how people survived famines. It got me thinking, did this happen during the Irish famine, too? Just chilling talk.

I was invited to a chat last night by one of my Twitter buddies. Talk is about Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope that I can stay up late enough to participate. I don’t particularly like this chat because I tend to feel like my opinions get slashed down. But hopefully, that will change with this chat as I have my experience to go on.