Tag: chronic physical pain

a good but tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Today was my niece’s graduation. I am glad I went because I saw my cousins that I usually only see during weddings or funerals. I had no idea they were coming. It was so good to see them.

I have been in a depressed state. I hardly ate anything today. I should be hungry by now but I have no energy to eat anything. I just feel really run down. My pain is up there and I am trying not to let it get to me but I just can’t seem to ignore it the way I should be able to.

One of my aunts was telling me about her physical therapist and that I should see her. Thing is, I have had enough of PT and doctors to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to see anyone else as there is not a clear diagnosis for me to even begin PT again, not that it would help. I didn’t break a bone. I didn’t sprain anything that I know of yet I am in constant physical pain. She wants to help me and I understand this but there is nothing anyone can do. I know I am “babying” myself by not doing regular walking but what do you do when it hurts to walk?? I worked for two years in constant pain, seeing doctor after doctor to find out what was wrong. Now that I am on disability, I think I have earned the right to just sit around and do nothing for a little while. I know that resting my leg/ankle/foot is helping to bring the swelling down and I am getting better. But days like today where I am standing to talk to people and walking around just takes so much out of me. And people don’t realize it. They just think that because I am standing there with a smile on my face I am fine. I got a reprimand twice today about just wearing a T-shirt today. I wanted to tell them, “at least I showed up”. I wasn’t going to, I really wasn’t. But I went anyways and if I showed up in a t-shirt and jeans, well it’s better than me not being there, right?? Sure, it made me a little self-conscious, but my sisters didn’t mind and to me that was most important to me. I showed up and that was what counted.

I talked with one of my cousins today about my book. She is so proud of me for writing one. I told her exactly how I felt, like a failure because it wasn’t doing well. She said she is going to get it. Another cousin said the same thing.

I know I should be proud of my book but I am starting to feel like I put so much of myself into it that I shouldn’t have. But I can’t change the way that I wrote it unless I rewrite the book. I knew what was going into this book. I have read it three times. Some of the stuff I can’t believe I wrote, or that “I” wrote it because it was good stuff. But it’s not selling and that just has me down. And sadly, I can’t find the energy to promote my book. I have realized it will take money to make money and frankly, I just don’t have the motivation or the cash to do it.

why should I stick around

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t feel good at all today. I woke up with my leg and ankle hurting. I have been medicating myself so I don’t feel pain. I lost count how many days in a row I have been in pain.

Today is Father’s day and I really didn’t want to see him but my sister tempted me out of my room with a burger. So I ended up seeing him and wished him a Happy Father’s day. The game was still playing but I wasn’t too interested. I ate and then I pretty much went back up stairs to the safety of my room. I really need to rest my ankle and I just haven’t had a chance to all weekend. I need to take a shower but have no inclination to actually do so.

I woke up in the middle of the night again. And my allergies were really bad. My left eye was swollen and hurt really bad. I put drops in and took some antihistamines. It still feels sore so I will do the same thing again.

A dear friend called and said that she was very sick this past week. I felt bad. She lives in California. I just hope she still has her job as she has been out of work for a week now. Poor thing had a kidney infection. She is getting better but still feels pretty weak.

My mood has sucked today. I just don’t want to do anything. I haven’t read a book in days. I really haven’t left the house for anything except to get my prescriptions. I really just want to stay in my room and do nothing. This week I said that I would work on my book but I don’t think I can bring myself up to edit. I just don’t have the energy. And there is no one pushing me to do this. Getting this work done is going to be a challenge. And then I know that it isn’t going to sell the way that I want to so what is the point. I just feel so deflated. Maybe I should go into the hospital so they can give me some motivation to do something or a routine. I know that sounds dumb but I feel that if I don’t get some help, I might end up trying to take my life. And summer is a prime time to end your life, least according to the studies that I have read.

I don’t get why I should continue to live. I just am not worth it. My mother doesn’t need me. My sisters don’t need me. I know for a fact my father doesn’t need me. So why do I bother sticking around?

Saturday blog 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 4

I started doing this blog to ease into writing just once a week but it hasn’t turned out that way. I have been having a rough day staying awake. I woke up at 0230 after some dreadful dreams and could not go back to sleep afterwards. My sleep all week has been turned upside down because of these weird, disturbing dreams I have been having. I hope they go away but I am exhausted because I can’t sleep.

Today I forced myself to sleep a few hours by taking a couple of ativans this morning around 10ish. When I woke up it was about baseball game time. The Sox lost to the Indians. It was a very close game but fucking AJ sucked today as a catcher and batter and we lost the game. He is the one player on the team I do not like. I don’t know why.

I did go out to get my prescriptions. I got some candy because I felt like having something sweet. I should have bought the big bars of candy and not the mini bites. The mini bites are dangerous and can be eaten very quickly. I already have like 4 left in the small bag. They will be gone by the end of the day. My mother went to a graduation party. I hope she brings home some cake. I haven’t had it in a long time. I love cake! Not the frosting, well a little bit of frosting, but not much. I saw on Facebook a cool cake that if I make it to my next birthday, I am going to have my mother make. It is a loaf cake and if she makes her marble cake with vanilla frosting it will be superb.

I haven’t done anything to do with hygiene today. I don’t feel like brushing my teeth and I don’t feel like showering. I should brush my teeth as it has been a few days but we’ll see. It is just so hard to do when you are feeling down. The sox losing didn’t help my mood. My foot is still hurting from going to the game the other night. I still wasn’t in the mood to go. I think I need to be back on the Cymbalta. Since not taking it, my mood has slowly hit rock bottom. Course I keep forgetting to take the mood stabilizer in the morning. I am not good at taking meds in the morning/afternoon. One of the dreams I had (and there have been at least two) had me being in the hospital just to regulate my meds. I don’t take that many, just a half dozen or so (not including my Ativan or pain meds or other stuff that I take). If I take everything, you are looking at at least 20 pills. I would list them out to you but I don’t want to bore you.

I hope that I am “awake” when I talk with my therapist on Monday. It has been a LONG while since waking up in the morning and feeling awake, not rested, just awake and wanting to start the day. Lately, I have been awake but groggy and sluggish. I think it is most likely due to waking up at 0230 most mornings and then going back to bed around 5ish. I usually write when I am up. If I am up to it, I will blog but usually I don’t.

My latest favorite song is John Legend’s “All of Me”. He performed the song with Jennifer Nettles and Hunter Hayes at the CMT awards. I wish I still had it so I could show it to my friend in Canada who does not have the channel. But I deleted it after the show thinking someone would post the video on Youtube but they have not yet. I am sure CMT will post it on their website as it was a great performance.

I told my writing partner that this week I will be editing my second book. I won’t put it out in the same format as before. I think I will go with smashwords or Lulu to see if I get better sales. It will take me awhile to save up to pay for their services. I hope it will be worth it. I won’t be using an editor this time around because I think I can edit a few pages of stuff myself. My second book is just a collection of short blogs and a short story dealing with darkness.

I have not sold any books for the month of June. I am sad by this. I am going to try and put out an ad or something in the local newspaper. I have to do something to drum up sales. Using Twitter has not helped me as much as I thought it would. I am still hoping to find the right audience. I think once I do, the book will sell like hotcakes.

baseball blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball blues

I don’t know what my problem is but I had the opportunity tonight to go to Fenway and I really did not want to go. I went anyway, hoping when I got there I could get into baseball, but I just couldn’t. By the 4th inning, I really wanted to go home. We stayed till the end of the 6th when Ortiz hit a homerun. It was the first time experiencing that. But I felt nothing. I just wanted to go home. And me being a big sox fan, something is just not right. I knew it was going to cost me, in being in pain over the next few days. Well it started by the time I left the park. By the time I got to my house I was limping. I just couldn’t stand the pain. I have no idea how I made it down the block.

My boys won, 5-2. They needed this win and I am glad they got it. I am glad I got to be a part of it, at least partially. Now comes the dreaded sleep I have been avoiding all day.

I had a nightmare last night. I got about 7 hours of sleep when I woke up at 0230 with a bad, really bad dream about my niece. She was floating in the bathtub like she had drowned. I just stared at her, no reaction as I couldn’t believe my eyes and then she said “breathe” and moved to another part of the bathtub, all the while floating on the water. She was dressed in pajamas, the water was flowing, and I just couldn’t pee (which is why I was in the bathroom to begin with). I woke up, went to the bathroom and that was it. I was up the rest of the morning. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0500. I had another weird dream but it wasn’t something I can now recall. Something about a plumber or electrician is all that I do remember. I don’t know why I was dreaming this stuff. I had to talk to my therapist about it and she said that really my niece was me and I was the one who wished I was dead. That somewhat helped me but didn’t help getting the image out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see my little one floating in the water. Been like this all day. So, as you can probably tell, I really didn’t want to go to a baseball game with this weighing on my mind. I keep telling myself it was just a dream. It didn’t happen. And besides, the girl who played my niece looked to be like two years old and my niece is 9 and I seriously doubt she would let me in the bathroom to pee, in reality. It is just freaking me out. I am glad I have therapy Monday morning.

My ankle/foot is throbbing like no tomorrow. I really hope I can get some sleep without the weird dreams. But something tells me I will be in pain most of the night so who needs sleep??