Tag: chronic physical pain

I don’t know what happened

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t know what happened

I took a big dose of Nyquil to calm my cough down and get some sleep from the allergies that have been plaguing me all day. Within an hour or so, I got a buzzed feeling and decided to sleep. Nope…not happening. I then got an itching for ice cream and had some. Well, that was stupid of me. Now I really can’t sleep and my ankle is sore as hell for going up and down the stairs.

I don’t know where all this energy is coming from. I am not high per se, but I am somewhere in between. My Sox are losing and I should be paying attention to the game rather than writing this blog, but I have no interest in the Indians. I am in a writing mood and that almost never happens. SO I am going to write…

I was listening to a song earlier about “got a little drunk last night” by the Eli Young Band. It got me thinking about my ex. I know I have not talked about her on here because it just is too painful. She was my first love and at this point, I think she will be my only love. But she has a lot of issues. More issues than you can shake a stick at. I won’t get into them but mainly her health is what scares me the most. She recently re-friended me on Facebook and then after an IM session blocked me. I have no idea what I said that caused that to happen. We were talking about how to get to a hospital that is very difficult to get to when you are not used to the surrounding areas. I was trying to get her to use public transportation as that would be easier than driving and poof, she was gone. Her medical issues are getting worse and I just can’t handle it. I know she is going to die sooner than I would because she most likely will go on dialysis for her kidney issues. She has diabetes to boot. And MS. And that is what I know of. She has psych issues too, which is probably why she went and blocked me. I feel bad about her blocking me. I thought this time around we might be friends without the benefits sort of. But now, it is not going to happen because she blocked my ass. I never had anyone block me before, least not that I know of anyway. I miss talking with her. And I guess that was the bottom line. But oh well. Se la vie. She is out of my life, probably for good this time around. It’s her loss.

I do miss having someone in my life that I can talk to. Someone to go out with and hang with. But at the same time, I am glad I don’t because I don’t need the stress of a relationship right now. I can barely keep myself together. My aunt just IM’d me. Said she wants to talk with me. Great. And I know it has to do with my book. I don’t know if I can handle talking about my book with someone. I know she is my aunt, but we aren’t that close, close. She suffers from depression too. Maybe that is what she wants to talk about. I just don’t want to cry in front of her. That would not be good.

I went shopping after everything I did today. BAD IDEA. My fricken foot is not happy with me right now. It’s swollen and it hurts. It is very angry with me. And I am angry with myself. I knew that walking around the grocery store was going to trigger another flare up but I needed my flame retardant Powerade as I only had one bottle left. I spent more than I should have as I went a little crazy. The baked beans were on sale. I love baked beans. My mother told me to buy two, and I bought four. Then I had to buy bread and ice cream. I really didn’t need the ice cream but wanted to have it. I just had some, in case you were wondering. A late night snack. I really want to make a cheeseburger but I will tomorrow. I am in no condition to operate a stove. I still feel buzzed out from the Nyquil.

I am going to ask my therapist what the hell are the objects Freudians talk about in their literature. It is bugging the crap out of me. I just hope I remember to ask her. Because unless you know what the hell they are talking about, the sentences make no sense!!

This week’s AAS post was about coming out as an attempt survivor and then getting fired because of it. It is discrimination just like I was discriminated against because of my mobility issues. But getting back to the article, I think it was an eye opener. Now I feel that anyone that reads my book is going to know my deep darkness and it might cost me a job or two or three. Leave aside my debt issues, and what do I have to show for the last two years? Writing this blog and a book about my struggles with mental illness. I am lucky I am on disability because I really don’t think I can hold a job anymore than I can stand more than twenty minutes in one place. I want to be a barista but I don’t think I can stand to be on my feet for eight hours. Course, working at a place where you can screw up a double skinny no whip latte can be challenging and then having to make it again because it is “cold”, might piss me off. I vowed after working for a place for three years that went out of business, that I would not go back to retail. But I like customer service. I like interacting with people. It is the one thing that I miss most about not working is the isolation it brings. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet. Sure I have family but if you look at my call list, you will not see that many calls from friends where there used to be many. I hardly go over my limit of 450 minutes anymore because most of my calls are mobile to mobile. The only person to call me from a landline is my mother, usually. My father will also call from a landline. And the most they will talk to me is a minute or two. Boring.

I don’t know why I am getting pain in my “good” leg. Started with zaps in my heel and ankle and now I am getting pain in my calf. I think something is wrong with my back. I haven’t been getting back pain but for me to be having pain down my leg, it has to be coming from the back. And that scares me. I don’t want another surgery. I don’t even want to see another neurosurgeon for the rest of my life. I will kill myself if I have to have another back operation to repair my disc. I will have to have a fusion and I just don’t want to because that will mean permanent disability. Not saying I can work now but there is a chance I might find office work as a receptionist or something but that will go down the tubes if my back is gone and fused. I will lose whatever mobility I have and I just can’t risk that. I rather be dead.

Baseball, Allergies, and Other Stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball, Allergies, and other stuff

I think the cold in my throat/chest is nothing more than allergies gone haywire. Since taking the antihistamine, I have been fine, until I forgot to take it last night. My nose is running like a faucet, eyes are itchy, and the post nasal drip has been want to force things out of my stomach. So far, I have been able to keep things down. I just had pasta with garlic so hopefully that will help keep some of the allergens away from me (wishful thinking but what the hell).

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to. I should have cancelled tomorrow when I had the chance but I was stupid and didn’t call. I am so sick of talking to her. Next week I get a little break. I talk to her on Monday morning and Wednesday. I am hoping it won’t be so bad but my mood can change on the dime. Right now I am feeling a little frustrated with therapy. We talk about the same thing nearly every single session. It is getting so boring. I thought reading this depression book would be good for us to talk about, which it is, but I haven’t been able to read it since Thursday because I have been in a lot of pain. The book is dense and takes some effort to read it.

And she is hung up on the song idea. Leave me alone. When a song comes my way, it will. Forcing it is not going to help. So I told her I had a song but I don’t really know if I do or not. I have to listen to it a few more times to see if it fits me or not. I just know it’s by the Band Perry. I don’t remember the name of the song.

In baseball news, I am PISSED. One of my pitchers got a 6 game suspension for throwing the ball over the batter’s head. He did not hit the pitcher at all, yet he gets suspended. Meanwhile, in the same game, the opposite pitcher hits 2 men and gets NOTHING. No ejection, no fines, no suspensions. NOTHING!! It is a conspiracy against my Sox!! And I am not happy about it. I am beyond PISSED about it!! WTF.

OK I said my rant about baseball. My depression is still the same, though I think it is finally getting better. I was able to get out of the house today for the first time since Friday without too much pain. I went out Sunday to get my scripts but that caused me too much pain and I had to spend another day on the DL. I felt bad because I was supposed to go to my niece’s graduation ceremony but I couldn’t stand or walk more than a few feet without pain. I had to take another strong pain killer yesterday to help with the pain and break the cycle. Surprisingly, I haven’t been suicidal nor have the demons come out. I guess I am just too tired. I don’t feel hopeless like I used to so I think that is helping me. Hopelessness and depression usually cause one to think about suicide. I still think people would be better off without me though. And if I had a chance to kill myself without pain, I would do it. But I just am not feeling it.

A friend of mine is reading my book. So far she likes it. I hope that she writes a review on Amazon. I am going to try and get her to. That will be three reviews I have on my book. I will be happy.

ankle chronicles 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I spent the weekend resting my foot. I thought my foot would be better by now but it is still sore. I have things to do and there is no one else who can do them for me. I need to get a haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescription.

I feel really bad that I am missing my niece’s graduation tonight. But there is no way I can walk around the stadium. It is also the hottest day of the year and I don’t do heat too well. I really just want some butter pecan ice cream and go back to sleep.

I was up early this morning. I woke up from a bad dream around 0130. I stayed up till almost 0500. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before the pain meds and Ativan kicked in. I also woke up in pain. I was not happy. I guess I really did too much on Friday night for me to still be in pain three days later.

I am tired of being laid up in pain. I want to go out and get an ice coffee and maybe read a little bit. And get my haircut. Or at least be able to shower. I haven’t had a shower since Friday afternoon. I was going to take one at the wee hours of the morning but I didn’t want to risk waking myself up. I never know how a shower is going to go. It will either exhaust me or wake me up. My luck, it will wake me up.

I think for the first time in a while, I might run out of pain meds before my doc appointment. I am running low because of this flare up and I don’t see my doc for another two weeks. I am not that worried. I can stretch them out. I am sure once this pain flare up calms down, I won’t be taking any meds. For some reason I woke up with my calf hurting this afternoon when I got up. A little stretching and it seems to have calmed it down. Don’t know what that was about.

I wish I didn’t catch a cold this weekend. I feel terrible. I think I am going to make some soup, despite it being hot out. But I need the fluids. I have been bad about drinking. It doesn’t really cross my mind. I am not really thirsty, which doesn’t help. I have powerade, but I mostly just use it for my meds. I need to get more, add that to the list of things to do.

Sleepy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleepy days

Since Friday night, I have been coughing and feeling sick in addition to my foot going bananas on me for the activities I did. I still am sore as I just went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am in more pain than I was before I left the house. So I guess it’s going to be back to bed again.

I must have caught a cold or something while at the ballpark. My throat just feels terrible and I have this dry cough. It is annoying me. But I am not really talking to anyone so I don’t have to worry about losing my voice.

I still am in a depressive mood. My appetite is still minimal. Yesterday, all I had was three slices of pizza for the whole day and today I was able to make some eggs. Now I am completely full but I am still looking forward to the left over pizza, if I get hungry later. It sucks being sick and being depressed at the same time. I really don’t feel like doing anything today. I did one thing and I am happy with that. Plus, I got chocolate for later. I don’t know why I have gone back to eating milk chocolate. I usually just buy dark. Maybe next time.

It’s a beautiful day today. If I felt more up to it, I could be in the back yard but I am not up to it. I just want to stay in my room and medicate. I am in a lot of pain. I knew I would be. Every time I get a flare up like this, it take three days to settle down. Tomorrow is my niece’s graduation. I really don’t feel like going. But we’ll see how I feel. I might change my mind.

I really wanted to get cookies while at the store. But I was good. I didn’t get them. I should have gotten the cookie spread by Biscoff. That is some good stuff. And the nice thing about it, is that I am the only person that likes it so I don’t have to worry about my family members eating it. I think it is better than Nutella.