Tag: depression

Visit with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Visit with Friends

I visited and had dinner with friends tonight. We were celebrating my friend’s 79th birthday. It was a good evening. My friend’s kids kept us entertained with the going ons in their lives. One is a cheer-something. It’s like cheerleading but more gymnastic. I forget the name that it is really called. I saw videos of her daughter doing flips and such. It was cute. She will be going to Disney for the summit competition there. I am really proud of these kids. I have watched them grow like my own. My friend’s son was telling us that he is into the musical arts and drama. He sings in this thing. I can’t wait to see the videos of him singing. I am sure it will be cute!

We took the commuter rail to and from my friends’ house as it was south of Boston and its easier than driving there. The trains are still running behind schedule. We were supposed to be in Stoughton at 17:30 but didn’t get there till around 17:45 or so. On the way home the train was late again and I almost missed my bus to go home. Luckily it was on time, for once. Otherwise I would have had to wait another half hour in the freezing rain for the next bus. The bus ride home was anxiety provoking for me. It was full, there were people blocking the aisles (one of my pet peeves and anxiety producer), and of course, every single stop was called from the moment we left the station. I just got home about fifteen minutes ago. I didn’t think I was ever going to go home. I had too much to eat so was feeling sick. I got to my room and almost lost the contents of my stomach. I don’t know why I am getting so nauseous. It’s not even smells that make me sick. I just get really nauseous for no reason. It’s driving me crazy. Then tomorrow I have to deal with my cranky father who doesn’t feel good. I think he caught a virus and that isn’t good for a man his age. It can takes weeks for it to clear his system because he is old and has other health issues. I really don’t want to deal with him but I got to do his meds before he flips out. My sisters doesn’t know what he takes and so it is my responsibility.

It’s been a cold raw day. I am happy that we didn’t get snow they were saying we would, but we could if the temp drops. I really can wait for the warmer weather just so I can wear short sleeves again. I hate having to wear long sleeves all the time because it is cold. Sox lost tonight, like I thought they would. I had a feeling Porcello wasn’t going to live up to the hype, especially after he signed his contract. But there were 2 errors on both teams so I am not sure if they were costly or not. So the record is 1-1. Start fresh tomorrow.

I guess I won’t be canceling therapy next week like I was hoping. Bitch therapist said it “deserves conversation so we’re keeping regular times next week”. WTF I am still going to try and get out of Wed. I can play hardball too. I have too much experience with getting out of appointments, though with her, I haven’t been too successful. It is just so aggravating to be in therapy some times when you know it’s not helping. It’s not making matters worse, just isn’t being effective. I am not saying she needs to cure me, just let me limp my own way some times. She doesn’t want me to be alone. I do my best work alone. It’s when I get brilliant ideas on how to help myself or find something new to try. And I am not trying to discourage anyone from therapy, I just have been in it since I was 15 so I think a little break might be useful now and then, even if I am suicidal at times. I know my bad times don’t last forever, even if they feel like they are going to. I just need time to work on ME to make things better. And other times I need someone to bounce ideas off of that will hopefully understand what I am trying to say. Most of the time, what I tell my therapist is out of her league. She doesn’t get the chronic pain that I am but tries to. She know what happens if I don’t get a pain break. She also knows what will happen if I am ever denied my pain medication. I don’t abuse it but I do need it because if I don’t have it, I will end up killing myself because of pain. Not because I don’t have the medication, but because I will be up the creek without a paddle or boat and I will just drown.

I have a busy rest of the week. Tomorrow I see my father and Friday I see my pdoc. I am going to be constipated again because I can’t take a senna while I am out because I never know when it will work. The last time it worked a little too well and I just made it to the bathroom on time. But I was home. If I was out, I would have crapped my pants. So I rather be home when I take it and be safer than sorry. Because if I ever do crap my pants in public, I will kill myself. I have been lucky so far that this has not happened. But then I don’t leave the house until I poop. No one EVER told me this when I got CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. We never talked about the bowels or bladder. They just assumed everything was fine, if they didn’t ask. Course it wasn’t until I had regular movements that I knew that I couldn’t feel them. I had been constipated so long that hard stool was my life. When things were softer, I just don’t have feeling. And that my friends, is where the trouble starts and why I have to stay in the house when using a laxative to go to the bathroom.

Migraine day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Migraine day

Since last night, I have been fighting a migraine. I thought it had gone away, without any medicine, but I was wrong. The right side of my face feels numb and is throbbing. I haven’t taken my migraine meds yet. I am still waiting for the Excedrin to do its magic. If that doesn’t work, then it’s my migraine med time.

It’s a raw, cold, cloudy day today. I was planning on going out but nixed it when I felt how cold it was. So much for spring. Tomorrow night, I am to go out to dinner with friends so it is just as well that I conserve my energy for that. I am looking forward to seeing my friends as I haven’t seen them since November. It’s always a good night for laughs. I am not sure where we will be having dinner. I hope it’s Old Country Buffet. I really like it there. I just hope the commuter rail runs on time and there are no delays. Despite there being no weather impairments, there still seems to be delays, especially during the evening rush hour. We will be catching the 16:50 train so there is a chance it might be delayed.

I waited till 12:40 for my therapist to call me today. I know it was silly as I canceled my appointment but sometimes she forgets and calls anyway. I kind of like not having therapy. I have been in therapy so long, that I am enjoying this breather. I kind of already am not looking forward to next week when I go back. I want to cancel but I don’t think I will get away with it. All day I have had Gary Allan’s “See if I Care” song in my head. I don’t know why so I put on my MP3 player to drown it out. Right now I am listening to Carrie Underwood’s “Wasted”. I love that song. Granted, listening to music is not helping my headache, but it is soothing my inner anxiety. I don’t know why, but am having that anxiety that give me chest pains. Or maybe it’s the chest pains that are giving me anxiety? Either way, it’s not a comfortable experience.

I requested my medication to be refilled today and then got an email saying it was out of stock. I called the pharmacy to find out when it will be in, and the tech said the order had just came in. It should be filled sometime today. I don’t know why I listen to these fricken emails. I get them saying my insurance didn’t go through (I call, it went through). It drives me crazy. Why send a dumb email when it’s not true? It just sends me in a panic for no reason. I just checked the status and it’s still telling me out of stock. I have until next Tuesday until I run out so I hope it is filled by the end of the week. And because I think it’s a brand name still, I get to use my savings card which will save me $25. But I won’t know until they fill it. I hate waiting!

I think allergies are contributing to me feeling yucky today. My nose has been running since I woke up this morning. I don’t think I am getting sick because I feel okay otherwise. Last night was a bad pain night, again. I hate when I have a semi good day and then at night, wham! I am in pain. It took me forever to get to sleep, even with the damn headache I had. It’s the season, though I have yet to see any blooming going on.

Yesterday, my favorite actor’s dog passed away. I feel so bad for him. 18 years is a long time to love a dog. I hope that Riley is in a better place now up in dog heaven. His favorite posting was “I’M A DOG” whenever he posted a pic of her. I am going to miss seeing the pic as much as he is missing her right now. It’s amazing that people share their pets on the net and we grow attached to seeing them, even though we never see them in the real world. His wife rescued a dog called Lucy and she has been posting pics of when she was just 5 weeks old to now. It’s been amazing seeing this little, rib caged dog grow up healthy and with meat on her bones. It makes my day seeing these pictures. I will never own a dog because I am not a dog person, but I like seeing pictures of them. Same with cats, though I am a cat person. I just can’t own one right now because my mother would have a heart attack. Or worse, fall because the damn cat got between her legs or something.

Opening Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, chronic physical pain, depression

Opening Day

My mood lifted enough today that I finally was able to watch baseball until the 6th inning. My foot/ankle decided that was enough. Fuckers. My team was leading 4-0 and I just hope the bullpen can keep that score. Buchholz was on his game today. I love him. I don’t particularly care for the catcher, Hanigan. He seems too nervous behind the plate. I don’t like when catchers twitch before a pitch because it can cause the pitcher to lose location. I hope he gets the nervous jitters out of him. Score heading into the 9th now is still 4-0! Yeah BABY!

I slept most of the day today. My therapist finally texted me back with confirmation of my cancellation for the week. I just need some time away from her. I was really shocked she gave in. She usually gives me a hard time, every single time I want to cancel a session. I texted her back that she was a softie. She said should would call me next week at our regular time. I am so tempted to cancel that appointment, too. But I won’t, for now.

My mood appears to be back on the up swing again, even though I feel really tired. I think most of the feeling tired is because I have been battling pain the last few days. It wears you out. I haven’t played my game today, but I did win big on poker. Doesn’t make up for all that I have lost the last few days but it helps. I hope my mood stays up and I still feel invincible. I was reading some of my more depressing blogs last night. I was trying to find a blog to help out a friend who is having troubles right now. I haven’t talked to her today but hope to talk to her later this evening. I know that my blogs help people who are going through some bad times. It always helps to know someone who has been through it.

Today I found out one of my Twitter buddies dog passed away last night. I know that the dog wasn’t in the best of health lately. She was an older dog, I think around 18 years old. It still stinks. Then I found out a friend from my junior high school days cat passed away. I was like what the hell is going on! I don’t have much details about the cat. But I feel bad for both of my friends that lost their pets today.

My sister is going to pick up my prescription that I neglected to pick up today. I was hurting too much for some reason. My left leg was out of sorts and felt like a disc was out but I wasn’t experiencing any back pain. It was weird. I dealt with that most of the morning, which is why I was so sleepy because of the pain meds I was taking. If I don’t keep up with it, I am hurting out of control. I know the pain might be because my calf muscle is tight. I once rubbed out a knot and the leg pain went away. This is, my calf has been really tender to the touch lately so I am not about to be rubbing it until it calms down some. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything to cause my calf muscles to hurt. But now that I think about it, I went down a steep hill the other day. I bet that is what set off my calf hurting and is now causing my leg pain. Do’h.

I am kind of nervous that my therapist accepted my cancellation. I know I will be alright and I know I can call her if I get into trouble. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday so I think I will be alright. I think I have emailed her nearly every day since she has been back in the office. Just been keeping her informed about my mood swings and such. I asked her if going through the change would be causing this havoc I have been experiencing. She said it is possible. Fucking A. Just what I fucking need is another hormonal imbalance. Been having hot flashes at night to the point where either I am undressed and the fan is on or the fan is on and I don’t have any blankets on. It sucks for my feet that have to be kept warm all the time or they will cramp. And it’s not even summer yet so I can’t blame the weather. She recommended I go back to see repro-endo. I really don’t want to see that doc because she is a nervous nelly around me. I haven’t seen her in more than two years. Thing is, I don’t want the blood work. And I don’t know how the blood work is going to be with me taking hormones every day to stop my menses to begin with. Just makes me wish my death date were sooner rather than later. I really don’t want to deal with this shit.

Just had to put on some thermal socks. Feet are like ice. If they don’t warm up soon, I am going to cramp. And that sucks!

Easter 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Easter 2015

I had Easter dinner same as always, at my sister’s house. And as usual, I overate. I couldn’t help myself as there was a lot of good food and goodies afterwards. I feel like I should nap, but I did that last night and then woke up around midnight. I even had a cup of my coffee and I am still sleepy.

The day would not be complete without an insult from my father. He said my haircut was lousy. Instead of wearing a hat like I usually do, I decided to fix my hair with gel. He never has a nice thing to say to me. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. I told him thank you after he told me my hair was lousy. It is growing out so of course it looks lousy. But did he really had to say that? Of course he did, because the man doesn’t know how to give a compliment to save his fucking life.

Last night, as I was trying to relax and snooze, my phone was blowing up with text messages. I was really like who the fuck is texting me. I knew it was from Twitter because they were successive texts. For some reason, if the text message has a new emoji, I will get up to 3 messages for the same text. It is so annoying to have the message broken up this way. But I have no control over it. I checked my messages and the person blowing up my phone were all direct messages from a dear friend of mine. She was telling me all the reasons why I should be here and that she needs me to be here, etc. I had messaged her the other night when I was in a bad mood. So she wrote a lovely, albeit multiple, message about all the reasons I should be here. It was really sweet. I haven’t responded yet because I am trying to think about what to say.

I missed the weekly BPD chat this week because I was spending time with my family. For some reason 4 pm comes very quickly on Sunday, no matter what I am doing. I like attending these chats because I know many BPD people and it always gives me insight into trying to understand where they are coming from.

I didn’t sleep as late as I wanted to today. I kept on waking up every couple of hours. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than 5 hours straight. I keep waking up due to pain. I can’t seem to sleep on either my left or right side or on my back. And I can’t sleep on my stomach because that is not good for my back. So I am constantly waking up to change position. It totally sucks. And don’t get me started on relieving my bladder. That starts around 0630 and continues until I wake up. Then I don’t go again until I drink a lot of fluid, which could be hours. It amazes me that I can pee three times, without drinking a drop of liquid yet when I do drink, I don’t pee once! Fucking CES.

Since writing the rant of CES the other night, my stats have gone through the roof. I am a number nerd so I keep track of my numbers. I still want to pass my one day view of 172 one day. But the closest I have come is 118 views. But my goal every day is to have at least 20 views a day. I am happy with that. Anything more than that is a gift.