Tag: depression

worrying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up a couple of hours ago because my phone woke me up to tell me it was time for my medication. I didn’t want to get up, nor wake up. But I reluctantly did, took my meds and tried to get back to sleep. I am not sleeping as you can tell.

My thoughts seem to be revolving over my father. I feel like I am missing something with his medication. I just don’t know what it could be. All I know is that I am having a bad feeling about this and I don’t like it.

My pain is astronomical right now so I am not thinking clearly. My leg and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I think my ankle is going to win. I know I should probably read the stupid book I have about the civil war but it’s a drawn out affair. The author is dragging out 1861 like it was the only year of the civil war. I am completely bore by this book but I am one of “those” people that once I start a book, I have to finish it. So please don’t tell me how it ends, LOL. If I had known more about this book, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. It already took 276 pages before the war started. I have 500 more pages to read to get to the ending. I have no idea if they are going to stop talking about the war and a little bit of reconstruction or what. That might be volume II. I will say this, even though the author goes around in circles, he does write eloquently and keeps you engaged in the book. I wouldn’t recommend the book to anyone, unless they like long, drawn out books about the civil war. I primarily bought it to learn more about the battles of the Civil War but even those are hidden and not too clear. But I will finish the book, however long it takes me.

I don’t know why, but after I take my meds, I get really hungry. I usually just make something small, like a bowl of cereal. I have found that eating shredded wheat helps keep me full longer than any other cereal that I eat. And it keeps me regular so that is a plus.

I hope my father is going to be okay. I really don’t want another incident where he has to be in the hospital. I also hope this worrying is for nothing. I am going to try and go back to sleep now. After I have a little something to eat.

Sunday hurt blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday hurt blog

I spent the morning dealing with my father. He had a visiting nurse come see him and she was all fucking stupid over his blood level. I was like, he hasn’t taken the drug in almost a week, of course the level is low!! But she needed a MD, a doctor, to explain it to her. Fucking moron.

Then I get home and as I was filling a pan with water I got dizzy. My mother sees this and then comments saying, what are you dizzy from working? FUCK YOU, I wanted to say to her. You know I was going to ask her for 5 bucks because I need it but I think I am going to stick it where it will really hurt her, my check that I give her. I will take $50 off it every time she is disrespectful to me. See how she likes that. She thinks she is being cute, be cute. You will end up with NOTHING and then I laugh. Thanks for being concerned and everything. Damn bitch. I never give her smart remarks when she is feeling ill. Nor would I. I am just so sick of both my parents being disrespectful to me.

OMG the dog from hell is barking in my neighborhood again. I wish I knew where this pooch lived so I could call animal control and have them silence the dog. There should be a law saying that a dog shouldn’t be out in public areas for 16 hours a day! That is just cruel!! I really just want a muzzle put on the yapper. Stupid fucking dog, and they always seem to put the dog out when I want a nap. Fuckers.

I am just in a pissed off mood today. I didn’t sleep too well and I had to get up early for my father’s bullshit appointment. I have one day where I have a reprieve from him. Then I got to deal with him on Tuesday again. Just shoot me, please??

Because I missed my psychiatrist’s appointment, I don’t have one in the books. She hasn’t answered my email and I am getting ticked off. But I know this is the game we play. I email her a thousand times until she answers. Then I go to voicemail, then I go to paging her. Just to get another appointment. I wish I could just call the office but she does her own scheduling. Another annoyance. Is it gin o’clock yet?

I have been drinking gin a little more than I should and I don’t really care. I need an escape hatch. I nearly killed my father, unintentionally and I feel it is my fault he developed an ulcer. If I kept on his medication, this probably wouldn’t have happened but God knows when the last time he ran out of his medication. Now I got to deal with his PCP, who is clueless about the current events. I will do that after I had a chance to talk to my sister about her car availability. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. Probably have him switch to another PCP in Boston. I don’t know if that is going to happen soon or not. I’ll have to find out on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday. UGH.

I am feeling really stressed out about having to take care of my father’s medical issues. I don’t know if it’s because I have been in pain more I just can’t handle stress the way I used to, or what. My leg is killing me as I am writing this and all I want to do is take a nap. I just wish the pain would stop so I could think a little more clearly. Pain is just inhibiting my vulnerability and I don’t like it. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

Saturday blog 11

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 11

I spent the morning with my father in the hospital. It got bored very quickly so I took my niece with me to the lab, where I used to work. It was very strange being there and not working as I always worked on Saturday. I wanted to go into the sendout room and log on to one of the computers but I no longer have computer access to the network. I miss working there so much it pained me being there. I said hi to those I knew and introduced my niece. It has been a long time since she was there. There are a lot of new people in the lab now so I don’t know everyone. Lot of turnover. I kept getting asked when I was coming back. I wish I could come back but even while I was standing there, my ankle was flaring up.

It’s still bothering that I was let go because of my medical issues. But I am a little happier that I am no longer at the “slave” lab. They didn’t care if both your arms were cut off, they just expected you to show up and work. That part I don’t miss.

My ankle is hurting me big time today. I really didn’t do too much other than walk around the hospital. I guess I went passed my limit. I know there is no way I can work an 8 hour shift there anymore. Not until I know that my ankle is better. I should have worn my brace today but I didn’t feel like it. Plus we were close for comfort in the car so it would have been really uncomfortable to wear.

Because I was so wiped out yesterday, I didn’t see my psychiatrist. I don’t know when I am going to see her next as her schedule is jam packed the next few weeks. I have been emailing her but she hasn’t given me a date or a time. I hate when she doesn’t respond to my emails. It drives me nuts. I didn’t have side effects from the pink pill last night. I think it was because I was too tired. I wish I could stop taking it but it is too risky. I can’t risk being off it or I might become psychotic. But I am going to play with it for a few nights to minimize the side effects. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my own body. And the side effects I felt the other night were horrible. I felt like I was having symptoms of MS or something. I was so spastic. But it was only in my forearms, not anywhere else. Usually, when these side effects happens, it usually affects my limbs. It will either be my lower legs or my forearms. So odd, but that is me. To prevent them from happening tonight, I took an Ativan earlier than usual.

While I was in the lab, I showed off my book. A couple people were interested in it but they didn’t buy my book. They just thought because they were my “friend”, they should get it for free. Too bad. They are working and can afford it. I am struggling with disability and my own finances. It really burned me, especially when they were like, oh this should be “ten dollars”. Whatever. You don’t have to buy it. I am not forcing you to buy, but don’t be telling me how to set my prices.

I really want to have some gin tonight. But I took so much pain medication that I don’t think it will be a wise choice. I just feel like drinking, not that I have to, but I just like the taste of gin. Granted last night was a battle but I slept good, even though I woke up a couple times during the night and finally ended up waking up at 0630 this morning. I have not taken a nap so I am hoping to sleep good tonight. I might have some gin a little later when the meds have a chance to wear off. I don’t drink often, just when I am hurting, emotionally, and I can’t express it.

I really want to take a shower, but my mother is cleaning the bathroom so a shower is out, unless I use my sister’s. But I can wait until my mother is done. What is one more day, really? It’s not like I am in a hurry to be clean. My leg will probably kill me afterwards so I am saving some spoons by not taking one. I really also want a nap. I don’t think that is going to happen, or maybe it will. I know that if I get some gin in me, it will be more than a certainty.

I have been trying to think of things to write about for my next book. But my thoughts have been clouded. It’s been a crazy week with dealing with my father and all. I am surprised my therapist called me on Thursday, and she texted me! I think she read part of my blog. I deleted most of the messages that I sent her. I am still so tired of our relationship. I just am not getting anything out of it. And she doesn’t see things the way I do and we just keep going round and round. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

feeling like crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like crap

Again I woke up at 0430 in the morning in pain. This is stressing me out big time because it’s disturbing my sleep. I haven’t done much all day except try and sleep and keep of my ankle. My father wants me to visit him in the hospital but I am too wiped out. There is no way I can go. I already canceled my pdoc appointment today because I am just wiped out physically. I am really tired. But I am eating which is good. I haven’t really eaten much the last two days. Mostly from worry, mostly because I didn’t have time to eat. Or I just didn’t know what I wanted to eat. Last night I made Elio’s pizza. I won’t be having that again any time soon. The only good thing about it was the crust. I felt like I was eating ketchup with something that is supposed to be cheese on a crust. Maybe I cooked it too long and that was why it didn’t taste good. I don’t know. But I am back on track today.

Did I mention how tired I am today? I slept for most of the day and would still be sleeping if people didn’t keep calling me. My aunt called but I have no idea why as I accidently erased the voicemails she left me. I don’t know how the hell that happened. I never delete a message without hearing it first.

Last night I was feeling poorly. I feel it is my fault my father is sick. If I had got his medication right, he wouldn’t be sick. Least that is my rationale. So I had a few shots of gin last night with my medication. I took my pain meds and Ativan and then a couple shots of gin. Then I thought about it some more and decided two wasn’t enough, so I had four. That knocked me on my ass so I finally fell asleep before 11pm. I just didn’t care last night. I feel really guilty. I know realistically, there was probably nothing that I could have done. He could have had the ulcer anyways, but I just feel bad because if I just kept on top of his meds, this could have been avoided. The doc said that it was a big ulcer so I don’t think I am fully to blame for it. Something that big takes time to form, longer than the missed meds.

I learned a few things about this experience. I don’t ever want to under go an endoscopic procedure. It just takes a lot out of you and the thought of a tube going down the throat doesn’t make me want it more. I am going to get a health care proxy, though I don’t know who that will be.

I still feel like drinking gin. Despite waking up early, I slept pretty well last night. I am not advocating for drinking before med especially when you take psych meds but drinking is how I deal with my father. Always have been. He just annoys me enough to just want to drink. And the only time I do drink is when I get into scuffles with my father. It doesn’t have to be gin. I could drink any alcohol beverage, but gin is all I have right now. I ran out of my whiskey.

I just had a foggy notion of emailing my pdoc and telling her I am drinking gin more. But I stopped myself from doing it. I was talking with a blogger friend that is in crisis. She really needed someone to talk to and I don’t know how the gin came up. But she knew that I was dealing with my father if I was drinking gin. Funny how people know me so well. Yet my therapist of almost 14 years can’t figure me out for shit. Maybe she is going through some difficulty in her life and it is affecting her work with me. She seems more distant on the phone lately.

Think I am going to drink some more gin and then pass out. Hopefully, I will feel better in the morning.