This morning I woke up to two comments, one was on my blog and the second was about my book. The one about my book was from a fellow CESer (Cauda Equina Syndrome sufferer) who loved my book so far and had to tell me about it. I felt good that she took the time to write such a lengthy comment, but well worded. She said I was an inspiration and that she would be sharing my book with friends and relatives. She is British, so used the word brilliant a few times. I didn’t mind. It was the kindest review I have gotten in a while.
The second comment left me perplexed. Either the writer had no clue what my blog was about or was trying to talk ragtime. Either way, I deleted the comment because if I couldn’t make sense of it, neither could anyone else.
To my new followers, thank you for following me. My readership has exploded the last few days and I thank you for it. I hope you find this blog informative and relative to what you are experiencing, or at least helps you to understand what it means to be suicidal a little better.
I did not succeed in canceling my appointments with my therapist this week. I texted her my swollen ankle and some how that was reason to uncancel my cancellation. UGH. Won’t do that next time! Course, the reason why a swollen ankle would not cancel a psychotherapy session is beyond me. She still wants a signed copy of my book. She desperately wants me to come out there. I am still trying to figure it out but I haven’t been feeling well all week. Today, my allergies have been making me sick with gagging episodes. I really hate post nasal drip and it doesn’t help that my area has trees that are in bloom, that I am allergic to. And it’s chilly. Temperature has gone back down to freezing. I can’t believe it’s almost May and we still have the heat on. There have only been one or two days that have been above 50 degrees in the past two weeks. My back and foot hate the cold. I used to not mind it but when it causes me pain, I have to pay attention to it. I also have been in a lot of pain the past few days. And of course, all I want to do is sleep because that is what my depression wants. I forced myself out today, gagging and all, to get my prescription and a mocha. I am praying the mocha stays in my stomach. I just figured maybe, if I got some coffee, I would feel better. I am a little bit more awake but I definitely feel like I need a nap.
My cousin invited me over for dinner tonight. He is also going to cut my hair. The barber didn’t do a good job so it’s longer in some places and shorter in others. I know I should go back but I think my cousin can fix it. Besides, it has been a few weeks since my last haircut. I usually like it buzzed on the sides and back and then short on top. My cousin will likely blend it in with scissors as his regular stuff is at his shop. I told him I was looking forward to dinner but really, all I want to do is sleep. Screw the haircut and dinner. I don’t care. But I told him I would go so it is too late now to cancel on him. He is making me cheeseburgers.
My therapist was annoying today. She will ask a question, say how am I doing and then when I ask to clarify, she replies with three questions. WTF. I hate that! It gets me all jumbled up. So I just answer one of them. We were also talking about how there is a suicidologist that seems to be making headway with his Interpersonal theory on suicide. His name is Tom Joiner. I read his book, Why People die by Suicide? And it was good. His theory is valid, as I have been there but the one element he is missing is psychological pain. I have noticed since Shneidman’s death, no one talks about psychological pain anymore. I find it sad, really sad. But even with knowing about the perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness, how do you go about “treating” suicidal patients? That is the one thing that I believe is lacking in his theory. There is no treatment for it, and that is where Jobes’s CAMS model and SSF (suicide status form) comes in. Using this is the best defense in preventing suicide. That is my belief. If I didn’t feel so strongly about it, I wouldn’t be writing about it. Because it helped to save my life and I know it has helped others. It is also a reason why I talk about it in my book.
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