Sirens 2
I have been listening to Pearl Jam’s “Sirens” for the past half hour. It seems to be fitting with my hyper brain. I am still hypo though I didn’t feel that way when I left the house this morning. I was pretty groggy, alert, but groggy. I thought since I slept most of the morning, the hypos were going away finally and I would be back to my “normal” self. I was wrong. By the time I reached my PCP’s office, I was flying high. They gave me some crappy paperwork to fill out and before I was done with it, they called me into his exam room.
The exam was normal. We talked about my stupid weight and he would like me to reduce my food intake by 5%. I think I can do that. For lunch/dinner I just had a half a sandwich. Other than the donut I had for breakfast, I haven’t eaten anything else today. He then asked what my orientation was because he was “dumb”. I told him, in confidence, that I was TG and I didn’t want it in my medical record until I was transitioning. Which I don’t know when it will be. I feel so hyper that I feel like I could do this today. I was really racy when I left his office. I knew I was hyper because I made him laugh at something and it took him some time to regain his composure. I have no idea what was so funny as whatever I said was forgotten shortly there after.
I emailed my pdoc about my experience and asked if I could take some trilafon. I took 4 mg after our exchange but I am still ramped up. My thoughts are going in fifty million directions. I don’t know how I am writing this blog as my mind is everywhere. He did say to me that if I crash and think about hurting myself, to call him before I do anything. We shook on it. I don’t know if that is a good thing as I would have shook his hand anyway. And besides I am so high right now that I don’t think I am ever coming down. I have never been this way before, not for too long. I just hope that I don’t spend all of my check tomorrow. Granted after all my bills are paid, I will have just $100 left. If I am able to keep it, it will be a miracle. I still have some money left from the payment, but it’s only like 15 bucks. I should have ordered a steak and cheese sub with fries instead of the roast beef BBQ sandwich. It was good but I couldn’t finish it all. Tomorrow I think I will order a pizza for my niece and I. I usually get her a pizza when I babysit her and need to feed her dinner. Or maybe we will have it for lunch. I don’t know. Depends on my mood.
I can’t believe I told my PCP I am transgender. But I felt like I could trust him. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes after I told him. I think he was expecting me to tell him I was gay. I signed up for the class for next Monday. There were still openings available. Now I just need to print out my essay that I will be editing. It is the Love/Hate blog that I wrote more than a month ago. I feel it is a good piece of work and have been submitting it to NY Times for the past month but still have not had any responses. It might be too short and that is why they haven’t gotten back to me. I don’t know if they are even getting my messages but I keep sending a message every day or every other day.
Another song I have been listening to is “Leave out the Rest” by Linkin Park. It is a song that I have dedicated to Edwin Shneidman, PhD. He was a psychologist in the suicidology field that I really look up to. Dr. Shneidman was the father of suicidology. I haven’t written about him since the early goings of my blog. I should maybe write something about his work while I am in the mist of this hypomania bullshit. It should keep me focused. I will post the lyrics to Sirens at the end of this blog. The music is so touching. If you want to see the video, check out my other blog “Sirens” or you can just YouTube it. Music is so powerful when I am this “high”. I can’t believe I took the trilafon and I still haven’t slowed down much. I even watched an episode of Rizzoli and Isles. It’s always fun to watch them. I adore these women so much. Maura is so the opposite of Jane. Both are smart in their respective fields. That is what makes the show so good. Did I mention they were hot, too?
“Sirens”
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens,
Hear the circus so profound.
I hear the sirens
More and more in this here town
Let me catch my breath to breathe
And reach across the bed
Just to know we’re safe
I am a grateful man
The slightest bit of light
And I can see you clear
Oh, have to take your hand
And feel your breath for fear this someday will be over
I pull you close, so much to lose knowing that nothing lasts forever
I didn’t care before you were here.
I danced in laughter with the everafter
But all things change
Let this remain
Hear the sirens
Covering distance in the night.
The sound echoing closer.
Will they come for me next time?
For every choice, mistake I’ve made, it’s not my plan
To send you in the arms of another man
And if you choose to stay I’ll wait, I’ll understand
Oh, it’s a fragile thing
This life we lead
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulders
Want you to know that should I go
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away.
It’s a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder
Want you to know that should I go,
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away.
Ah-ah, oh-oh
Ah-ah, oh-oh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pA-_DND-tc here is the lyric video.
midnightdemons7 