Tag: self harm

a night of pain and the aftermath of self-harm

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had an awful night of sleep last night. I was awaken by pain in my elbow. I couldn’t straighten my arm out at all without severe pain. It was very swollen and I must have slept on it wrong. Whatever it was, it had gotten slightly better by the time I woke up a few hours later with another pain in my good foot. I forgot to tell the podiatrist about this mysterious pain that happens in my arch and goes away when I get moving. It was five AM when it woke me up so I wasn’t moving anywhere. I just took some more pain meds and tried to sleep some more.

Even now, my elbow is tender. I was going to call the doctor to make an appointment but I really don’t want to see another doctor for sometime because of my cuts. I am afraid they might not understand and send me to psych services or something. Once they heal a little more, I will decide if I should go. I think naproxen is taking care of the pain for now in my elbow anyways and my foot so I am good.

I wrote a good summary about my cutting episode in my journal the night it happened. I plan on typing it up and posting it when I feel up to it. I still feel numb and lost. I can believe that I did this. It was bound to happen one of these days when something set me off. I have to say it is better than me attempting suicide. Three one inch cuts hardly can count as an attempt as that was not the intention. I just needed a release. I still have not told my psychiatrist. She kindly called in my antipsychotic prescription. It went through this time around. Thirty bucks gone. Now I just have to fill my pain meds and I am set for the month. I will drop off the script tomorrow as I forgot to do it today when I went to the pharmacy. I just wasn’t thinking about it until I went to pick up my other prescription.

I haven’t written anything about my darkness story in a few days. I should write about the cutting but I am afraid it might trigger me into cutting again like it did the other day. It got real intense and I totally wasn’t expecting that. Usually I can write and it is all good, no matter how dark and carried away I get but this time, it just proved to be too much. If I was an alcoholic, I would feel like I lost my sobriety. It had been more than ten years since I last cut. I am kind of uncertain what lies ahead now. I am trying not to think about it but it sometimes gets the better of me and I do think about doing it again. It is an addiction to the pain that I feel. Yet it also is a release. Only a cutter would understand what I am talking about.

Other than my therapist and the blog world, I have not told anyone about the cuts and I have been careful to keep them concealed around my house. I am supposed to go to my niece’s birthday party tonight. I might make an appearance and then leave. I still am not feeling too well since I had a bad night sleeping. My ankle still feels numb from the nerve block. So I guess it was the nerve all this time as my tendon has not flared up. Yet I haven’t done anything the last day or so to warrant it to flare up. I just have stayed home and rested. Today was the first day that I went to Starbucks. I figured I would work on my book and I did. I read the first two chapters then had to stop. I wore my AFO brace today so my ankle would have more support. It’s no longer icy out so I can wear it more. It is still cold out, however. But what do you expect in wintery New England??

I am glad it is cold out as it gives me reason to wear my t-shirt long sleeved shirts. I love them because they are not heavy like sweatshirts. My favorite one is the Red Sox Championship shirt I bought myself. It is in the wash right now because I got something on the sleeve and it was annoying me having to see it. I might wear the same things every day but soon as I notice they smell or have a dirt spot on them, it’s wash time! Speaking of wash, I should take a shower before my niece’s party as I do stink a little. I haven’t showered since Monday night. I can’t believe how long this week has been. I had so many appointments. And I know my therapist is going to want to keep an eye on me so she is going to try to get me to have extra sessions. She is worried since I cut and even though I wrote a blog for the reasons for it, she still wants me to talk about it. Typical therapist stuff. I am just glad she isn’t DBT oriented or my life would be hell right now. She does want me to implement the crisis response plan in the event I again feel like cutting again. She feels to blame, least in my opinion, for my cutting. But it’s not her fault. It’s no one’s fault really. I just had a bad day, a really bad day and something snapped. I can’t really remember what it was but I think me writing about it in that blog really triggered me and I couldn’t get it out of my head despite talking to someone, listening to music, and trying to de-stress. And I didn’t dissociate so that was good. I think I probably would have done more damage if I had.

Falling Apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Falling apart

Since my little self harm episode yesterday, I have been crying non stop. I am just am extremely sad for some reason. I cried throughout therapy and my therapist of course wants me to see her in her office. Her anxiety is up because of my self harm issues. I really want to cut again but am not sure I can do it. I have been thinking about it all day. I just feel like it will help with the feelings of being a worthless scumbag.

I have been up early today because I had to meet with the podiatrist. He thinks it’s a nerve issue so gave me a nerve block. It numbed the painful area and it still is numb. For the first time in three years it is not painful. I hope it still works during the night. I haven’t done anything all day because I didn’t want to risk injuring it while walking. He also wants me to have nerve conduction tests. I am foregoing that aspect of his treatment plan. I don’t think that will tell us anything because I already have nerve damage in the foot. My foot is still sore where the shot was. I hope it goes away.

The urges to cut have not stopped. I feel like I might try again today but I don’t know. I am trying to resist as long as possible. I have been trying not to think about it but it is hard. My therapist of course wants another session with me on Monday but I don’t think that will help me. I feel like I let her down because I cut. I feel really ashamed of myself. No one knows about this except my blogging community and my therapist.

I tried to eat some good food today but nothing tastes right. I should have just had donuts and be done with it. But I am still waiting on my psychiatrist to write in my prescription for abilify so I can get it. I am kind of running low. I don’t care if I run out but there will be consequences if I do stop taking it. I sent her an email about the podiatrist and the script so hopefully she will write another script because the one she did never went through. My therapist thinks that I should write to her to tell her I cut so she is in the loop but I don’t want to. I feel like it will be another person I let down and I can’t live with that.

Today as been a hard day. I have been trying to sleep and just rest my ankle but it is not easy. I either have to go to the bathroom downstairs or I get hungry which leads me to downstairs yet again. I just want to zone out. I could just take some Neurontin and chill out. I think that is what I am going to do. Maybe if I sleep off this laziness, I will feel better. I have been up since six. It has been a very long day.

I think part of why I have been so weepy today is because I finally have no pain after three years. Not even a buzzing sensation on my ankle. No throbbing. No nothing since the nerve block. It’s very weird to go from being in pain to no pain. Maybe a nerve block can happen in my brain and prevent my urges for cutting to.

What I’ve done

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, transgender

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.

exhausted from all these appointments

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I went to my dentist appointment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The dentist was really good and didn’t hurt me while he scraped. I have no cavities, which I was thrilled to hear about. I still have my two baby teeth. They don’t have “adult ones” so I really need to start taking better care of my teeth. Because if they get injured or fall out, there is no replacement other than false teeth.

I came home and tried to sleep but I had therapy so I didn’t sleep too hard. I would sleep for forty-five minutes and then wake up. It was terrible. Then after therapy I figured I would have the afternoon to snooze. Nope. My sister called saying that my niece was sick and I had to pick her up. UGH. So now I had this sick kid that just wanted to cuddle with her germiness. Just great. Hope I didn’t catch anything. I washed my hands and I plan on taking a ton of vitamin D so I don’t get sick. No that is not a typo. Vitamin D actually helps the immune system because it helps a cytokine in the blood that is part of the immune system. Cytokines are like helper cells in the immune system, if memory serves correctly. I could have it wrong. But the bottom line is, Vitamin D is what you should take if you get a cold. I have not been really sick since taking it.

I am still exhausted. I still have an early appointment tomorrow that I am just dreading. I know it is just going to go like this, he sees me, examines me, and then says I have tendonitis. End of story. If he offers any other type of treatment, like a boot or a shot of cortisone, I will decline. I will be wearing my AFO just to show him that I have been treated for this before and I am sorry to waste his time and my sleep but my cranky PCP wanted to make sure that this was a foot problem and just a foot problem because God forbid it should be what I think it is, nerve damage that has messed up my foot! I am still nervous about this appointment because it is so early in the morning. I am afraid I will just go along with whatever he says because I am not awake enough to argue. Or that I will miss the appointment because the bus is late. As it is, I have to have my checking account on hold because I am not sure what the copayment will be. It will either be $15 or $40 (USD). It’s hard to say because I don’t know if this guy is in network or out of network. I won’t know until they run my insurance. I am still nervous about what he will do. I will die if I have to have x-rays done. Though he might just want to put me in a boot and see what that does but I am in an AFO so what good will that do me?? UGH, I am so frustrated and I haven’t even set foot in his office yet! (no pun intended!)

I talked with my therapist about self harming today. I told her my mother looked at the scars the other day. I felt mad because she touched me on my wrist and I hate being touched there without my permission. I actually hate being touched anywhere without consent, even if it is my mother. I have some pretty deep scars. We were talking about how I wish I could cut again to release my urges but she said that will open up a can of worms. What worms? Only thing it will do is want to make me cut more. And more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need one cut to make me feel better. And then the idiot therapist brought up my book as if that is the source of all evil. UGH. My frustration has something to do with my book, yes I am not going to lie about it. But it’s not the only thing frustrating me. Today my group called me by my birth name and I got wicked pissed off. Granted this person doesn’t know me so I had to quickly diffuse the situation. An old time member called me by my real name and that is what caused everyone to call me by my real name. I am so frustrated with my transgender stuff it’s not funny. So throw that on the table as well for reasons to cut. Plus it has been more than ten years since I last cut. I want to feel the release again. But I know the last time that I did cut, I didn’t feel anything and wanted to go all nuts on my wrist. It took quite a bit of self control not to give in to that type of harming.

I am trying not to give in to it today. But damn it is so hard not to think of it helping me when all else has failed me. I keep thinking of the way it will feel. But at the same time I know what will happen when that feeling is gone. I will want more. And more. It won’t stop. Just writing about it is making me want to do it. I think I should stop here for now.