Tag: transgender

It’s hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It has been hot and muggy the past week. I’ve been tolerating it but I am starting to lose my patience with it. I need to clear the area where my AC is so my bro in law can put it in. I sort of made a mess of it when I was cleaning my hamper out. I got to decide what I am going to do with the clothes. They aren’t particularly my favorite. And the sweatpants elastic is basically gone. Doesn’t fit me anymore.

I had therapy yesterday reluctantly as I needed to get a letter from her. She was being a bitch the whole session. I hate it when she doesn’t allow me to change subjects or just shut down on something. We talked about my mother and school and transitioning. I told her she could write the letter saying how I was depressed because I was transgender and wasn’t transitioned but now that I am transitioned I feel better. She then asked how do I explain the major depressive episode last fall. Ugh. I really can’t. Late Aug/early Sept I always suffer from depression. Been that way for nearly 30 years. Sometimes I get really suicidal. I didn’t tell her this. I felt like if I did, I wouldn’t have the letter.

After therapy, I went to get some lunch and my haircut. Talking to my barber made me depressed. I was feeling so low afterwards. I went home after and then I went to PT. My foot was hurting because I had been on my feet all day. We decided not to do the machine and just worked with a ball. She then worked on my foot tendons. My foot was hurting still today but less so.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we went out to eat. I ate too much. I slept nearly all day. I didn’t do anything I wanted to do. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I had a hard time sleeping because my foot and ankle flared up. I hurt so bad. I was up until like 130 and then woke up every couple of hours during the night. Didn’t help that it was so fricken hot in my room. I really need to clear the space so my bro in law can put the AC in.

Sunday Blog 28052023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Sunday Blog 28052023

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. There was really nothing to write about. I woke up late and it was the same as the day before. Today same thing. Tomorrow is a holiday so I have another day I can sleep late. I forgot to write in my calendar my therapist’s time so I won’t know until I check the patient web thingy Tues. I don’t know if we are meeting at 11 or 2. I think it is at 2 though. I thought it would be in person but it is virtual.

I went outside topless for the first time. It is wicked hot out. I was in the sun for at least 10 mins and had to go back in the house. I hate heat so bad. I took out chicken breast for tonight’s dinner. I might roast some potatoes with it if there are any left. I forgot to buy them when I placed my grocery order. I hate to turn on the oven but it is the only way to cook the chicken. I am not going to cut it up to fry it. I hate cutting raw meat.

I listened to the game last night. We won 2-1. They play in a couple hours and then are off tomorrow. The Celtics had a good game last night and won. I am happy about that. I will be watching the score tomorrow night as it is game 7. I don’t have cable so will have to watch the feed from the internet, which I don’t know where to watch it yet. My sister said YouTube so will check that out.

I have been reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a good book. I am not suicidal so it is good reading right now. I hung up my pride flag yesterday that I bought from Amazon. I just hope it stays up with my room’s temp changes. I think it will as I hung up my tissue box and it hasn’t come down. It has been up for more than a couple of years. I also bought a trans rights are human rights T-shirt. I can’t wait to wear it when I see my doc the 8th. I am glad I am starting PT again as my foot has been awful the past couple of days. It has been hurting me so bad. I also need to get my knee checked as it has been hurting since I fell a month ago. The CRPS pain in my ankle and foot has been back. I don’t have anything to take for pain. It sucks so bad. I hope when I see my doc on the 8th she will prescribe me something.

I have to go to the Square Tues to pick up my prescription. I might go to Starbucks and have a latte to read for a bit and then pick it up. Depends on how I feel after therapy. Lately all we’ve been talking about it my mother and how I feel about her. I’ve still been experiencing sadness all the time and now I have moved into depression. I am not hopeless as I know this will pass. I think if I was hopeless I would be suicidal. I keep wanting to check on her. Her room is so empty without her. And the house is too. It really sucks.

Dcmd

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.

In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.

Anyways, that is my story

post op day 30 top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, FTM, transgender

Post op day 30 top surgery

I am healing well except that I had some fluid build up again. I got to go back to the clinic on Tues. If there is still more, they are going to put in a drain for a week. I have a scab on my left nipple that doesn’t want to come off. NP said it will on its own once new skin grows. I don’t know how long I have to wear this binder but I think it will be a while, sadly. It annoys me. I want to be free but I also don’t want my chest to be drained.

I had therapy today. We talked some more about grief and my sadness. She is worried that the grief could make the depression worse and then I would become suicidal again. I didn’t mention that I felt that I need to be in the hospital with her. I think if I tell her, she might be like ok. I just feel sad all the time and she said not that much time has passed since my mother passed away, which is true. It’s only been a little more than three weeks. She wants me to do things but she won’t say what things I should do. I don’t think there is a DBT skill for grief. I told her I would read more. I just got a new book from the library. I haven’t started it yet. I wanted to today and might before bed. It is a bigger book than I thought it would be so reading it might take some serious time. I tend to read a chapter and then put the book down. Sometimes I pick it back up but most times I wait till the next day. I remember when I used to just read right on through. I guess it depends on my attention span. I can follow Twitter easily because it is short posts, even though some people make long posts now that Musk took away character limits for those that pay for the site. It is easier than a thread sometimes. But I am not going to pay for the site. It is going downhill and I fear in a few years, it might just be a memory.

I wish I could call my mother. Just to hear her voice again. I have a couple of voicemails but it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I knew she was going to die and stuff but I really thought she would survive at least a year with the diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain and I guess that took a lot out of her. I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. No one deserves 24/7 pain unless they are child molesters/rapists.

With this binder on for who knows how long, I really can’t go in the hospital because it will be a safety concern. I am not suicidal but I have stuff I could overdose on and just hope for the best. I don’t know if that means I need to be in the hospital. I was feeling that way before I left the hospital and the staff knew I had stuff. Hell, they were discharging me with a script of it! Only problem is that there is no guarantee that I will be back at that hospital if I go in. It took a few days in the ED for me to get a bed there. I think I was in the ED on a Wed and didn’t get admitted until Friday.

I bought the new Linkin Park CD. It came today and I should be excited but I am not. I haven’t left my room since I got the message it was delivered. I don’t feel like leaving my room for anything except if I have to use the bathroom. I just took my night meds. I might take some Benadryl as my allergies are killing me. Normally, I would take another Allegra but the Benadryl will help me sleep some. I have my grocery delivery tomorrow. My niece isn’t home so it will be me taking the stuff up the two flights to my room. I ordered a lot of Gatorade as I ran out before the end of the month. Hope I get everything. I have to be careful because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.