Tag: writing

rambling 62

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide attempt survivor

For want of a latte

I really want a latte today but it’s Sunday and it would take me at least 2 hours to get to Starbucks by public transportation. So I think I am just going to make a cup of coffee and work on my next book.

I know that I am technically not supposed to do any writing until the first/second of January but I am bored. I also know that I need to finished my ending for my book but I just can’t seem to focus on it. I think it’s done anyway and I don’t want to tinker with it.

I slept really good last night. I took my phone off the ringer and I am glad I did because I had like several messages from different apps that would have woken me up. I still am tired because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. I feel like I could go back to sleep and just sleep the day away. I don’t know why I don’t do that. It’s a dreary day anyways. I have no idea what time the Pats are playing today. Course, I am not that interested in watching them play. Last week was pathetic but we got the win. Well, it was pathetic on the other team’s side as we scored two touchdowns in the fourth quarter with in like two minutes. That made the score ridiculous. I could go online and check the time on NFL.com but why bother. I’ll know soon enough.

I cannot wait for baseball season to start. I miss it so very much. I started working on my next book chapter anyways and it sucks. I go on about how suicidal I am and what goes on and such. It’s lame. I don’t think I am going to touch it. I will hold onto it for sentimental reasons but I don’t think it will be included in the book as it is too depressing. I know my writing partner will want to be hopeful and cheery. But that is not how I write. I am not a cheery person, nor am I a positive person. I see the glass as half empty.

I need to shower today. My menses have stopped! Finally I get a breather! It’s back to boxers!! Maybe I will after I write this. I think in addition, I will include a writing about Aeschi in my next blog. I realized I don’t have a blog post that is just on the subject. I have one on CAMS but not Aeschi. That will give me something to focus on in the New Year. It will be really interesting where the New Year will lead me. I will have my first book published. I am kind of scared and happy this is going to happen. And the hardest part of this is that my family has no clue this is happening. Sure my sisters sort of know about it but my mother has no clue. Her family doesn’t have a clue. Some of them are on Facebook so they might have a clue. I don’t know. We aren’t exactly a close family. I know my father has no clue nor would I want him to. The book isn’t something that he would be showing off with pride because it deals a lot with my suicide demons. I still get frustrated when my co-writing friend calls me a “suicide attempt” survivor. I still don’t know why that is. Maybe it is just that I feel like I am being labeled and I don’t like to be labeled or there is a hint of shame in that that I am suppressing. Whatever it is, I am really hurt by it. But it’s true and that is the sad part.

I don’t think hurt is really the word I am looking for. Embarrassed? I don’t know. But when she says it, I just feel something and it is hurtful. Question is why. I guess when I talk with my therapist on Thursday I will ask her.

still feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Still feeling blah. I was talking to my cousin about this and he said it’s similar to being numb. He’s right. It is similar. I hate feeling this way. He is feeling the dead inside feelings I used to have. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t know how I am supposed to live like this. This is going on almost two weeks now, for me anyways. I am just waiting for the suicidal thoughts to come back. But then, I don’t really need to be suicidal to kill myself.

I had a very rude awakening this morning. My fucking bastard father called me at six-thirty this morning for shits and giggles. I am not kidding. Woke me up from a sound sleep. I got really friggen mad, so mad I couldn’t go back to sleep. I hung up on the friggen turkey brain. I didn’t care. If he called back I was going to lay into him. Now I don’t give a damn about him. He has the appointment for his blood work on Monday, and he is going alone. I am not going with him. Fuck him. I don’t need to be there anyways, just to make sure he fucking goes. I got to call his GI doc again on Monday because that idiot didn’t call me back or let me know they called in the prescription. I also have to call the Ophthal people back on Monday for my own appointment. Monday is going to be busy.

I can’t wait till my therapist is back. I miss talking with her. She is not going to be happy about my father. He is such a jerk. I should call him at three in the morning when I wake up just to show him. But I am not going to because I am the more mature person. Who the hell does that?? Calling someone at six-thirty in the morning, for fun??? God I am so pissed just thinking about it. I am so done with him. Let my sisters deal with his stupid ass.

I didn’t go out today because once I got back to a normal temper, my foot went out of whack. I took some pain meds and then was out till about two. I needed the nap. I just ordered Thai food. It was good. I wish it had less chicken. I really just like the noodles.

I got my MP3 player and Taylor’s “Lucky One” is playing. Yesterday I was just thinking how my father always said I was a nothing and even a school teacher told me I was a nothing. Now I am rubbing elbows with some of the top suicidologists in the country and in Switzerland. I know I should be feeling joy or happiness. Or even feeling like a lucky one, but I don’t. I am trying hard to overrule my childhood programming but it’s not easy. I still haven’t heard back from the guy about what I wrote to him. I wrote about my synopsis of the book. Maybe he isn’t in the office and that is why he hasn’t responded. It was late in the afternoon when I wrote. And Switzerland is at least six hours ahead of us. Maybe I will get a response on Monday.

I guess in a way, you can say I am the “lucky one”. Who would have thought that I would be a writer in such a short period of time and be able to write a book that is close to being published. I do hope it is successful but not too successful. Course, if it sells a million copies, then I will be happy and won’t care. But like I said before, I will be happy with just 100 copies sold.

Don’t feel anything but blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t feel anything but blah

I had an exciting day. The coeditor of the Building a therapeutic alliance book has totally said it was ok for me to write about the Aeschi model in my book. I am very excited about this. To know more about the Aeschi model, you can read this blog here. It’s in the middle of the blog.

I know I should be feel ecstatic but I don’t for some reason. I liked that the guy gave me some more stuff on the Aeschi model to do some more research into it, but it was just general stuff. He also gave me his chapter in the book. OMG I should be jumping up and down (well not really but you get how I should be feeling). I just don’t understand why I am not feeling joy.

I guess I am just feeling like a nothing and this guy doesn’t think I am nothing if he is letting me acknowledge him in my book. But I just feel so blah. I don’t get it. An author I highly respect emails me back and says I can acknowledge his work in my book and I don’t feel anything but blah? I guess it just hasn’t hit me yet. I know this guy doesn’t know me and I don’t really know him. I know his works as I have read his professional papers and stuff. But I have never met the guy. And I just wrote to him telling him my life story. I am thinking I might have scared him off with that.

But then, if he gets scared easily with my multiple ideas of suicide, then how does he deal with it in his practice? Silly me. I did nothing but praise the guy. I know it isn’t exactly his model. It’s just common sense. I should just write a paper about Aeschi. I thought I wrote about it in my blogs but I can’t find it. I forgot what I called it. I know it’s there because the blog is in my book.

I had a good day, even if I am feeling blah. I realized today that I am neither happy nor depressed. I just don’t feel anything. I guess it is just anhedonia, another symptom of depression. And this time it is very thick. Usually I am ok with it but not being able to feel pleasure with things I used to enjoy bothers me. I find it hard to write when I am in this state. I also find that I am easily distracted to things. Music, for example, is distracting me as I write this. I have to concentrate on the lyrics for some reason when I am like this. Facebook is also distracting me. I just can’t concentrate on what I want to write. It is frustrating as all hell.

I might be depressed, but at least I am not thinking/planning on killing myself. Don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I keep waiting for the big hurt to come that causes me to think of killing myself. My pain, as much as it has flared recently, has been bearable. I don’t feel psychache. I don’t feel any type of psychological pain in a long time. The heaviness in my chest that was there before is gone. Maybe I have turned a corner. Maybe the suicide demons have gone away.

can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours and have not been successful. My mind keeps thinking about things, mostly about how I have not been thinking of suicide the past few days and it just seems odd. How can I go from thinking about suicide every day to not thinking about it at all? Weird. I also have been in pain the past hour or so. I just took something for it.

I am feeling like I should be doing something. But it’s one thirty in the morning. I thought I would write as it just seems like that always brings my thoughts down and makes them go away enough that I can actually sleep. But my I just realized all I had to eat today was some eggs with ham and a few doughnuts. That was quite a while ago. I didn’t have supper. I wanted to order out but I took a nap instead, which is probably why I can’t go back to sleep. I keep looking, well actually scrolling, through Facebook on my phone and going on twitter but nothing new is happening.

I really feel like I should be dead or something. This living thing is hard to really think about. I don’t know what my life is going to be like now. I still have thoughts of buying a cemetery plot and a casket. I really want to buy a casket. I know that is really morbid but it is how I feel. So I might not be suicidal but I still think about death and dying. It is not the same as wanting to kill myself because I am not planning my death. I am just wondering what it would be like if I were dead. I wonder if people will think about me in the same way. I know my mother would be heartbroken. I could careless what my father feels. I don’t know how my sisters will feel.

I have been thinking about reading something. But writing is much more fun. I have been trying to get into the new book called “far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon but it stirs up too many feelings. I am having a hard time reading it so you know it is a good book. It talks about homosexuality and disability. Both of which I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, I just am. I like women. But seeing as I am a transgender, I guess that would make me straight. I don’t know if I ever will be the man I am meant to be. It seems like it is too difficult to try and do. I hate being called “her” or “she”. Some parts of me just feels like I have to accept it. But it hurts when I try and settle for the wrong gender pronouns. I am sure my father wouldn’t like to be called a her. I had some stubble growing again on my chin. He said I should shave. The stubble was irritating me anyways so I did. I then felt bad. I don’t know why I did it. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. But at least I know that it will grow back.

When I was working, I always shaved it off. I liked the idea of shaving every day. I wouldn’t touch my mustache but I would shave my goatee. Now that I am no longer working, I just don’t shave anymore unless I feel like it or I have to go some place important. I don’t know if I will ever take hormones to be a man. I would love to but I don’t know if I can at this stage of the game.

Well, my meds seem to be kicking in right now so I am going to try again to get some sleep.