I was waiting at the bus stop today and four police cruisers stopped and pulled over in from of Citizen’s back. The supervisor went inside and then one of the employees locked the door. I recently got a funny text saying that every 15 mins a bank gets robbed. Maybe that was one of the banks. I don’t know. No swat team or other special police arrived while I was waiting for the bus. All the time though I was praying a stray bullet would hit me and kill me. Bad thoughts I know but I just couldn’t help but think it.
Met with my psychiatrist today. No med changes. Just keep doing what I have been doing. It’s like the Mary Chapin song, “Simple Life”. Shrink says see you next week. That is how I feel. I know she gets what I keep telling her every two weeks but sometimes I wish there was some thing more she could do. But there really isn’t and that is the frustrating part. These docs just expect you to live with your illness and if you can’t well then there is always the hospital to help you try. I really can’t stand it sometimes. I get angry with her though there is no reason to. We have exhausted all medications. The rest is up to day to day management and making sure I keep my end of the bargain which is actually taking my meds.
I’m still trying to work on this comparison paper that I hope to post soon. Thing is I am so stuck on it that I just can’t move forward on it and then I read some new study that has a new measurement so I am conflicted as to whether or not to include it. This paper is good but I just don’t know where to go with it anymore. It’s so frustrating.
The urges for cutting have been strong today. I am trying not to think about it because it would be very easy to give in. I have been playing the radio as a distraction and so far it has been working. I would rather plan my death but all I want to do is cut. Right now I am saving up money for a hotel room so I can get away one of these nights and be away for a while. I just need to get out of my house and into something else so I can think and maybe write a bit. I don’t know where I will go but maybe the Best Western or someplace like that. Just a place I can be truly alone without being hounded by the loud TV. Maybe stepping out of my environment will let me get out more and get my coffee and work on things in my head about what I need to do. I don’t know this is just an idea. The last time I tried this I came home everyday because I forgot one thing or another.
midnightdemons7 