Been thinking really hard today about what my next move should be. I told my therapist goodbye but she didn’t accept it. She refused my cancelations so I have her on voicemail only on my phone. See how she likes that. Not like talking to her does much help anymore. Nothing seems to help. I am just a pitiful excuse for a human. I feel so awful I can’t even begin to describe it. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth since Wednesday. I am going to brush after I send this blog out. I hate not being able to take care of myself at times. I just don’t think about that kind of stuff anymore since being out of work.
I am still thinking about my plan. I always have a plan. It is how I cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it but I have it none the less.
I have a busy week next week. I have to see my PCP to get my pain pills refilled then see a friend on my way home to pick up my gift for my psychiatrist. It will be perfect because I see her on Wednesday. That is the other thing that is bothering me. How can I tell her happy 20th anniversary and then kill myself that weekend? I hate this tug of war with life. I really do. And don’t give me the crap that because I care means I am fighting to live. I can counter with I am fighting to die too. You people that think that way have no clue how frustrating it is to try and want to kill yourself and having all the responsibility to stay alive around you. You want so badly to die yet something keep holding you back. I call it hope at times that gives me another day. I really do because without it, I know I would not give myself a week to plan my death.
I also have group. Yes I will be going back if only to see if it is better than I think it is.
Struggle. That is all I do and I hate it. I just want the struggle to end. Is that too much to ask?
midnightdemons7 
hey. i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. i hear what you’re saying about the tug of war and feeling like you want one thing but feel a responsibility to do something else. it must feel like a heavy burden on you. i was just wondering..”responsibility” makes it sounds like you’re doing it for other ppl. if everyone else was out of the equation, don’t u think you’d still be fighting to live just for yourself? for that hope you still have that things are gonna get better? from what i’ve read on your blog, it seems like u would. but of course, you are the best judge of that. it was just a thought…i hope you’re feeling better today *hug*
LikeLike
So sorry you’re suffering
LikeLike
I totally get that feeling of being stuck here with your responsibilitys. Mine are my kids. When I was at my worst, they were the only thing holding me back. And I was kind of angry at them for that. Glad now but I just wanted the pain to end so badly. Pain makes you a different person IMO.
LikeLike