still depressed

Had a productive day today. I worked on a paper and feel ok with it. My printer cooperated with printing it out so I can go over it for typos not picked up by spell-check (e.g., fro instead of for). I also added a little bit to it so I felt it was a complete paper.

Other than that I have been feeling off. I feel really sleepy since I woke up early in pain and then didn’t go back to sleep with the pain meds. The temperature has dropped so I am again hurting.

My therapist is back today. I was hoping for a time to talk with her but doesn’t look likely that she has an opening for today. I talk with her tomorrow. We have lots to talk about as I had some bad dreams last night about the bombings. I kept seeing the images of the shootout and the bomb going off at the finish line. I just couldn’t get the images out of my head. I guess that is why I woke up so early. Today we were supposed to have a minute of silence at 14:50 but I forgot to set my alarm so missed it. I hope that everyone affected ends up being ok. I still am on guard. Yesterday I saw a hummer and couldn’t help but think that there were armed guards inside. That is the type of week I have been going through, I am afraid to leave my house and go out. I haven’t been out since last night, to go for dinner with my family to celebrate my niece’s birthday.

I also have been afraid to leave the house because I don’t want to upset my ankle. I cannot believe that I still have tendonitis in it. I just want to scream.

This week is the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology. I so wanted to go but didn’t have the financial means of getting there. I didn’t have a good experience last time I was there so it kind of foreboded me going this year. I hope to attend next year’s but I don’t think I will be able to as it is in California. I can’t wait for the conference to be back in Boston. I think it might be the year after this one, in 2015. Least I am hoping it will be.

I started reading a new book called the Team of Rivals. Part of the book is the base for the movie Lincoln. I had to buy it because I am such a Lincoln fanatic. I have a good library going on Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents.

Mood wise I have not been so great. Partly because of what happened last week and partly because I just was down, even though my Red Sox were doing good. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I could say my appetite has suffered but it hasn’t. Not that I am eating more, just not the right foods. I have been eating more junk food because I say why bother. I got to get back to my cereal diet. I need to lose at least fifteen to twenty pounds. That is my goal but it is so hard it depresses me. I then fall into the cycle and it just hurts. What is more depressing is that every time I see my PCP he brings my weight up. I can’t stand it and I am embarrassed by it. I hate being this heavy and I wish I had the will power to not eat junk food but when you don’t care for living, why care what you are eating?