games and suicidal thinking

Woke up feeling energetic today but after my therapy appointment, my throat was hurting from talking for an hour and I lost my zip. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and then went back to bed, though I didn’t sleep. I just kind of played on the computer. I am still playing Pioneer Trail, though I don’t know why. I think only about 10 of my 150 neighbors are still playing, which makes it difficult to get things for your homestead. I am also playing the dreaded Candy Crush saga. I had to see what the hype was about and wish I never did. I started playing on my phone then moved on to the computer. HUGE MISTAKE! So after I am bored with twitter and checking status updates on Facebook, I will be playing candy games. One thing I HATE about playing it on my phone is the dreadful music. It sounds like a funeral march or something. I have to turn the sound off to avoid it but then when I play my MP3s and no sound comes on I am like WTF till I remember that the sound is off.

I read my therapist my last blog entry. I think I really have a bozo for a therapist. She didn’t get the point of the blog. Think we spent like 5-10 minutes talking about it and then she wanted me to write a blog about constriction. I was like, where did that come from. She really thinks that I am in this blinders thinking about my plan. I know I am, that is why I am planning on killing myself! DUH! You don’t have to tell me I am suicidal when I am planning on killing myself. I can’t seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I am going to be true to my word this time around. How can I not be? I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of fighting everyday. I am tired of struggling. Why should I continue my lousy existence?

I tried again with my psychiatrist to get an appointment though I am feeling what is the use? Not like she has some radical new drug for me to try to help this ache I feel inside. I doubt a pill would help cure me of my suicidal tendencies. My therapist has threatened to tell her what is going on with me but has not. I can’t bear to tell her for fear of her throwing me back in the hospital and it’s not like the hospital is going to do anything for me except piss me off, and screw up my pain meds.

I see my primary tomorrow. I hope that he can do something about this throat pain that has been bothering for almost two weeks now. Every time I think I am getting better it flares up again. I still have a cough that likes to kick up every now and again. My sides are killing me from it. It is annoying. I am kind of thinking I will be placed on antibiotics but I am hoping not as I hate taking them.

My writing friend is in England right now. She will be there for a week. She said to write emails to her about my writing progress but I kind of don’t want to. It’s not that I have to or anything. I don’t think she is going to respond as she doesn’t have internet connection up there. I guess she is in the countryside of England so why bother when I know I won’t be getting a response. Much like my psychiatrist that doesn’t respond even with all her gadgets. I get frustrated with her when she doesn’t return emails, in a reasonable amount of time, like a day or two. I know she is busy and might not get the email right away but come on, it has been almost a week since I last emailed her and still NOTHING. So I sent her another email today asking for an appointment. I still have not heard anything. FRUSTRATING!

So maybe I will write a blog about constriction over the weekend. Not like my therapist is going to read it anyways…