Pain is not my friend
Most people have pain for a good reason. They break a bone, there is an infection, they stubbed a toe. But my pain is not because of that. It is because my nerves were damaged by a disc fragment that I am hurting and even though the disc is no longer pressing on my nerves, I still have the pain.
Tonight this pain is keeping me up. I think it has to do with the temperature change and thunderstorms that have moved into my area. I am like a human barometer. I am so tired that I am kind of falling asleep while typing this but the pain is preventing me from actually going to sleep. I have not had this type of pain in a few weeks. I almost forgot what pain was like. Now I remember and I don’t like it. I want it to go away again and let me live my life even if I was depressed and unhappy. Being in pain is horrible. It drains what ever energy you feel.
Even though I felt ok for a few weeks, I kind of missed the pain. Not in a masochistic sense. Just that after dealing with this for over two years, it felt weird NOT being in pain. Felt like something was missing and I just couldn’t figure out what that was. I had gotten so used to the pain being there all the time that without it, I was lost. Could I walk a little farther than I wanted to? Sure and I did. No pain afterwards. Today I walked a little farther and I think that is what caused the flare up. I don’t know if this pain is staying or going. I hope that it is going because I was really getting used to not being in pain again. Now I have to worry about things, like how long it will take for a shower. Just how many spoons it will take to do my daily routine. Even now I can’t find a comfortable spot to rest my foot without pain. And my foot/ankle is screaming at me. I am not doing anything to aggravate it. It is just resting on a pillow as I am typing this. I don’t have it elevated as I probably should because it will make typing a little difficult. But even then I don’t have relief. I wish the pain was telling me something but it is not. There is no bruising. No redness. Not even so much as a little swelling to indicate to me what I should do to relieve the pain other than to take pain medication as I have done. That is the MOST frustrating part of this whole complex regional pain syndrome. It is a difficult diagnosis to explain and I don’t even know the beginning to try to explain it. Other than my nerves have become so damaged it doesn’t know anything else except to hurt. And you can’t touch it with anything. Socks or even your hand will make the pain worse. I tried putting on a brace to steady it because it just felt like it needed it. It did help for a little while but then the pressure of the elastic was too much and I had to take it off. Soon as I did, the pain intensity increased. My ankle hates me and all I did that set it off was moving my big toe to stretch it out. Stupid I know. But really? Probably not. I am sure lots of people can move their big toe without pain or causing their entire foot to go haywire. But that is what I deal with. Every day. Every night. Pain is not my friend.
midnightdemons7 