sleepless night

Listened to the Sox win the game. I can’t sleep. It is too hot in my room despite the A/C cranked. My ankle is killing me and I just took an Ativan to try and calm down as my thoughts are squirrelly. It’s going to be a long week as the Red Sox are on the west coast this week which means the games are going to be late ones. I have not missed a game all season, though I might have fallen asleep during one or two. Listening to monotone voices will do that.

I miscalculated my numbers for reaching 10,000 views for my blog. Unless I can get 40 views per day over the next two weeks, I am not going to reach it. My average is 20 views per day so I seriously doubt it is going to happen. But, stranger things have happened. I got 143 views in a single day. If that happens again, I will be in good shape. The nice things about knowing the stats is where the views come from. Today I had about 10 different countries looking at my blog. Usually I just have the US, Canada, the UK, and sometimes Australia. Today I had those four plus Bolivia, Belgium, and India. I forget the other countries.

I hate it when I can’t sleep. It makes me really restless and the more I try to sleep the more restless I get. Which is why I am writing. Sometimes writing will calm me down enough to sleep. I don’t feel racy. My thoughts are just going around in circles because my ankle pain is driving me nuts. I had a deep stabbing pain earlier this evening and now my ankle and foot are on fire. I can’t seem to find a comfy position to put my foot. I am a side sleeper and usually sleeping on my right side will ease the pain but not tonight. So I switch and that makes it worse. I can’t sleep on my back because I will have to raise my feet up so my back doesn’t hurt. And I am too lazy to grab my trapezoid foam cushion to put my legs up. I know I am making excuses. But it’s tough being in pain this late at night. If I am not asleep by two thirty in the morning, I will take another dose of my pain meds. I can’t take anymore right now because it will be too early.

Because of my suicidality, I have been thinking of going in the hospital but there is no way that I can. Not with the way my current pain med prescription is written. I will only have one pill every six hours. That is not going to do me any good, especially when I am in this amount of pain. And if I get a flare up in the hospital, which I most certainly will, I will be beyond screwed. I know I did too much today and now I am paying the price. I hope tomorrow will be better but it already is tomorrow.

My mood still sucks. I still feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I hate it. I have tried to get out of it a few times today but it seems every time I try, the deeper I am sucked in. I have listened to good music to try and keep my spirits up but it has done nothing for me. Just made me think more about why I am single and not in a relationship. Made me think of my ex-girlfriend who I know I hurt once again. I have been meaning to try and text her but I know it is probably for the best that I leave her be. I miss her though. I miss talking to her. But she is crazier than I am. Because of this, I broke up with her again. She just doesn’t realize that she is hurting herself in ways and I can’t be around that. I have tried to point it out to her several times and still she goes back to the same behavior so I put an end to our relationship. It was difficult to do but it had to be done.

Maybe that is why I am depressed. I have not told anyone about how I feel about losing her. Everyone has told me to dump her, that she isn’t good for me. But yet I have not told anyone how much it hurts being apart from her. I know she isn’t good for me and I am probably not good for her, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings got hurt in the process. We have known each other since high school. It really hurts to see this relationship end because of differences of opinion and her wanting to be the victim all the time. And she not taking care of herself. That is what killed me. We are 90 miles away from each other and I couldn’t be there for her even if I wanted to. And another reason why I ended it. No long distance relationship lasts.

I guess I will stop here as it is approaching 2 am.