paranoid

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.