Almost decided not to blog today. Having a rough day. For the first time in almost 21 years I feel like my psychiatrist does get that I am ill. I told her today, I wanted to go up on my mood stabilizer because I have been wicked up and down and all around. Last night to top off my wicked sucky day, I got hit with a mixed state that had agitation and restlessness mixed with the need to write. I told her that I was going nuts and she said I can’t do that. She won’t increase my meds just have me take the trilafon and Ativan when I need to. I am so frustrated with her. I think the extra mood stabilizer is what I need right now to tamper things down. I am only escalating. And usually this time of year, I am in a deep depression that has me walking in mud. Well no mud today. I walked all over town today, well more than I usually do and now I am paying for it but I don’t care. I had to get the agitation/frustration out of my system somehow. I know that things are going to get worse if I don’t get a handle on them now. If I end up in the hospital, I am going to tell her “told you so”. I did forget to tell her about my menses. She became really concerned when I told her I was having trouble with my vision. She wants me to see an ophthalmologist. I will make the appointment after the New Year. She doesn’t know if it is the medication or not. My luck the doc will just call it atypical migraine and be done with me.
When I came home, I took my meds. Then I had to pick up my niece. I am beyond tired and hope that I sleep tonight. I know I am probably not going anywhere tomorrow because I will be too sore. If this throbbing that I am feeling now is any indication. I know it’s going to get worse after eight. I am not looking forward to it. I can’t even stand long enough to change out of my jeans and into my PJs. This so sucks. I know I brought it on myself but it felt good walking again. It doesn’t feel good right now, but I didn’t have pain when I was walking around town. Picking up my niece did make things worse but that is my fault. I forgot my sister told me so if she didn’t text me, I would be in big trouble right now. I also did the walking without my AFO so not sure that was a good idea or not. I had to have steady snow shoes on because there still is a lot of ice and snow on the ground.
I don’t think I will have a mixed state tonight because I am so tired. The walk wore me out and going the extra few blocks to pick up my niece from her after school care program really did me in. But I have the weekend to chill. I really just hope that I don’t wake up one of these nights before Monday. I just don’t want to deal with my birthday. I used to love it and the Christmas days. I would see my family three days in a row, well my father’s side anyways. It was always fun. Now I don’t. And I think my godmother forgot my birthday again this year as I didn’t get a card from her like I usually do. Since my uncle died, I haven’t been getting a card every year. I really miss his handwriting. It was the neatest script. I also really miss him, too.
I really want to take myself out somewhere for my birthday. Just go to a good restaurant. I might take my niece as her birthday is the fourth of Jan. When I was working, I used to take my “kids” out for their birthday as they hated getting a book from me. I figured a book never gets out of style like clothes do or games/toys.
I still am upset about my psychiatrist. I think I am going to increase the med anyways. I am the one that has to live like this not her. And if I want to do something, I am going to do it. Last night I thought definitively there were rats in my room (it was just the radiator kicking on). That is how spaced out I was. Luckily I was able to talk to a fellow blogger friend that understands. She really helped me get through the night so my meds could kick in and work. I am glad I have friends like that.
In other news, I got a weird question on my Facebook page. They wanted to know what topic my book is. Obviously, this person has not been following my blog.
midnightdemons7 