suicide attempt survivor, some thoughts

Today I wrote to my writing friend to ask for her help in getting someone to read my book just to see if it was ok or mediocre or sucks. I got a couple of people so that made my day. Then I started thinking of how she phrased the request. I know she used the term “suicide attempt survivor”. She uses that term whenever she refers to me. Every time I hear it, I can’t help but feel embarrassed, ashamed, and labeled. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I am hurt. I am not. I just feel weird being called such a term when I don’t feel like a survivor at all. I feel like I am a dead weight, much like a bookend.

I know she means well and I have not told her how I feel because I am not sure how to approach it. Most survivors that write on the AAS blog feel empowered and most like me don’t want to live life but have to. Others feel like their attempt was a blessing and they are happy they survived it. I don’t feel that way. I just feel like I should be dead, pushing up daisies or dandelions or something. I honestly have no jest for living but I just go on because I feel like I have to. Yet sometimes, I feel like I have to die, like it is my only way out of the situation I am in. I am lucky I have a good therapist that wants me here no matter what. Even though the voices in my head are against her right now, I am glad she is here to tell me that I have to go on, if only to publish my book. But what then? What do I do then when my feelings and life story are out in the world, much like this blog? I still have feelings of suicide and I guess I always will. You can throw away these feeling you have been having for more than thirty years.

But why do I feel embarrassed by this term? Why do I feel labeled? It is, after all, an accurate description. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, one that was medically serious enough to land me on a medical floor in the hospital. Yet despite all these tries, I survived them. I lived through them. So why do I feel like I can’t call myself a suicide attempt survivor?? Or do I need to? There is a growing awareness in the suicidology field that want to hear these people stories. Sure, they are rich for research purposes to help prevent more suicides. Once you attempt suicide, you are at risk for life of doing so again, no pun intended. Others are just curious because they find that taking your life is so unphathomable. I find this interesting. That there are people out there that cannot understand why someone would want to take their life. I feel bad for these people because they have never known hardship or mental illness. Yet even those with hardship never think of killing of themselves. I guess I am just one of the ones that do. I come from a poor background. I paid my way through college though I never did finish my degree because my mental illness got in the way. I have more W’s on my transcript than grades. Yet I still want to finish my degree at the same institution one day, if they will take me back. I do have that hope. I don’t know if it is realistic or not. Only time will tell. I am getting older without realizing it and this troubles me. I never dreamed of living to be in my thirties, yet I am. I have good genes on both sides of my family so I know if I don’t kill myself, I will live to the eighties or nineties. I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want to grow old. It is something that I never wanted to have happen. But I can’t stop time. My birthday comes whether I like it or not, most times not. Every year I think of it as my last. I have no future that I can see. So am I really a survivor?