Not having a good day. My pdoc’s schedule was all messed up so she was almost 30 mins late to see me. I felt like leaving but I stayed anyways. I asked her multiple times if I was a waste of her time. She said I was projecting. A nice psych term. It basically means I am putting my feelings (being a waste of time) on to someone else. She wants me to consider going in the hospital but there is no way I can. I have to take my father to his numerous doctors appointments this month. Next week is a double header so there is no way for me to go in. Plus all they will do is babysit me. I refuse to go to groups because they are useless. I never get anything out of it and the group leader (who runs most of the groups) is an idiot. We constantly butt heads. She is very condescending and I don’t like her.
I texted my therapist about this. She also wants me in the hospital. But then she knows that I am feeling really bad if I want to stop therapy. I also told her that my pdoc increased my mood stabilizer so hopefully that will help. If I remember to take it. I won’t be able to take it while I am driving my father around the world. It makes me sleepy sometimes.
I also put in a call to my repro endo doc because my fucking menses showed up last night. I am so mad. With all the technology that this world has, why is it so difficult to stop a menstrual cycle?? At this point, I am seriously thinking of a hysterectomy because what the hell do I need it for anyways? I am not going to have kids this late in my life, not like I was waiting to have them anyways. I never wanted to have children because I don’t want to pass on my depressive genes.
Saw my PCP and it was determined that I have a yeast infection under my arm. FUCKING great!! Now I really have to shower every day. I was really hoping it was just a dermatitis thing and would go away with some cortisone cream. Nope. UGH. Today is not my day.
My mood still sucks. I just want to die. Told my pdoc today that I just don’t have the energy to kill myself. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I just want to hibernate, which, if I go in the hospital, that is all I will do anyways. They don’t force you to go to group. I will just isolate and be by myself. And it’s not like they will start me on an antidepressant. My pdoc would if there was one out there for me. I hope increasing my mood stabilizer works.
I am supposed to pick up my niece tonight. I really don’t want to. I want to keep my foot up because it is hurting but I told my sister I would. I am just so tired. I had two doc appointments today. Then was standing in line forever at Walgreens, in my AFO. I hate standing too long because there is no cushion, just plastic so my foot hurts. I won’t wear it again when I pick up my niece. It’s already swollen so I probably will make things worse trying to force my foot in boot.
Did I mention my mood sucks? My pdoc thinks it is because I got my menses. I have to deal with them for a week. I am not happy about this but it’s the only course of action. I have to stop the pill for a week and then restart it. Might as well do that today and then the following Sunday, restart it. So not happy about this. Another reason why I need to shower every day. I have to tonight because I just feel gross, even though I took one yesterday. I need to buy some nice smelling shampoo to motivate me to take a shower. I think that might help. I really hope I don’t get cramps. I usually don’t, haven’t in a while but I still have knots in my stomach because of constipation. I still haven’t found a regimen that regulates me everyday. It sucks. And soon as I find something that works, I forget to do it every day. I am my own worse enemy. I know that if I were to go in the hospital, my meds would be given to me and I wouldn’t have to dish them out every night. That would be the only benefit of going on the hospital. I also wouldn’t have to worry about what to eat. Meals would be given. I wouldn’t have to cook some thing for myself. The food is not that bad.
I have been thinking about writing another paper. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about it and I wish I was writing down what I was saying. Now I forgot. It will be about different suicide theories. That is all I will say for now.
midnightdemons7 