beyond Exasperated

Had an early morning today because my father had a doc appointment. It went ok, though my father had no clue what was going on and didn’t understand what the doc was saying. I had to explain it to him in smaller words.

While I was at the doc’s office, I had to use the bathroom. I found out, much to my dismay, that I sharted. Now I am in a very dark mood. I came home, washed up, and while making my way to my room, my ankle exploded. So in addition to losing my dignity, I am now in wicked bad physical pain. I took some pain medication and am calling it a day.

I wrote my therapist a letter that I had hoped to mail today but forget it now. I wrote her an excerpt of the blog I wrote last night. I felt she had the right to know what I wrote. I also added some things to it. I also texted her to try and have her call me. I really need to talk to her because I don’t think I can be ok till our next appointed time. I don’t know if she will call me or not. Some times she is able to and others she is not. I really am hoping someone cancels one of her appointments and I am able to get their time. A session would help me today. I could call my psych but I know she will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to go. Besides, I don’t have a car and with my ankle the way it is, I can’t walk there. I just feel stuck.

Since the shart episode, I feel like I can’t trust myself. I am afraid to do anything that will cause my bowels to move. I hate feeling like an asshole. I know it isn’t my fault but the hardest part of dealing with CES is losing the ability to trust your own body. It’s gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The sensitive nerves are damaged and there is no getting these nerves back. I can’t feel myself and haven’t for the past eight years now. It’s the little things like this that bother me the most. And what is worse, is that I have no control over it when it happens. There are no warning signs. Just soiled underwear and skid marks. Luckily today I was wearing a feminine product because of my menses so my underwear didn’t get soiled. And that is the other thing that is frustrating me. That I am having to use feminine products because of my menses. I am beyond exasperated. I should not have to wear them but what choice do I have? It’s either that or really soil my underwear. I am just so frustrated by this. And no one understands, except another CES sufferer.

Why am I dealing with this? I should just be dead. To me that is the answer that I am looking for. I am tired of constantly dealing with a body that isn’t working anymore. I am tired of dealing with depression that makes my soul dark, that sucks the energy out of me. And that also goes for my body excretions as well. You have no idea how tiring it is to have a bowel movement sometimes. I feel like I am in labor. I sometimes am so weak afterwards that I need to rest. All because I can no move my movements because of the nerve damage. I literally have to push and push to get it all out. It is a very tiring process. And if this grosses you out, well, I am sorry. Every time this happens I want to kill myself. I just don’t think I can go on living this way. It’s just too much for me to bear. I am past my breaking point, well past it! I am so far from the edge that I still haven’t realized I am on standing on nothing. Yet gravity hasn’t knocked me down yet to kill me. Or maybe I am just falling in slow motion. I refuse to grab on to anything that might save me. I just am not good enough to go living anymore.